


Conflict Predisposition

by aitiabot



Category: Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Angst and Porn, Anxiety, Childhood Trauma, Corruption, Disobeying Orders, Dubious Consent, Dystopia, First Love, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Humiliation, Insomnia, Internalized Homophobia, Isolation, M/M, Manipulation, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Paranoia, Physical Abuse, Pining, Propaganda, Religion, Self-Hatred, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Surveillance, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2018-11-08 00:48:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 90,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11070552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aitiabot/pseuds/aitiabot
Summary: Spanning the entire duration of Crisis Core to fill in the script from Cloud's POV. In-game email and ridiculous DMW plot included.My entire premise for writing this was that I thought working for Shinra must have been awful, but I ended up making it out to be much worse than it probably was.





	1. His unwavering smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Cloud had a DMW Zack would have been added early on.  
> You won't convince me that Cloud hadn't already noticed the new SOLDIER star far before Modeoheim.   
> So here's hoping you enjoy my version of things.  
> Fair Warning: It's terrible.

Cloud fixated on the bottom of the bunk above his. Another night of not being able to sleep surrounded by a dozen others in rows of bunks. It wasn't what he'd expected. Then again, what had he expected? Working in the infantry was just one of the ways he could afford to stay in Midgar and keep trying to get in to SOLDIER. 

He felt like he hadn't gotten to know anyone since he'd arrived. They all talked, mostly to exchange company news, or incidents, but he felt like he hadn't gotten to know anyone. He had never considered what being homesick could feel like before leaving. He'd thought he'd had it all planned out.

Instead he read the same signatures and bad quotes over and over again lying awake in his bunk. He especially couldn't sleep recently because in three days the next exam to get in to SOLDIER would be held. He was planning on taking it again, despite his certainty of failing it a second time. 

Everything had been going by so fast since he arrived at Shinra. He had been hired on the spot, among other young men and women, handed a uniform, and promptly put to work in whichever department would take them first. People were hired like that at the company every single day. 

Many quit without a word as well, making it hard to get to know anyone at all. But Midgar was the largest city in the world and it was where SOLDIER and the Shinra Electrical Company had started off, so it was where he had to be. 

An impressive 50ft above-ground technological fortress of a city divided in 8 sectors each with it's own Mako reactor. It was in part thanks to the Mako reactor that had recently been built in the mountains of his hometown that he had heard about every Shinra exploit to date since he was a child. 

The company was the largest in the world, they controlled all known sources of concentrated Mako. They also owned and operated the only wide-scale military force and were virtually unopposed. 

Virtually, since they were still currently at war with the last standing nation that refused to let them access their territory, the Wutai nation. The young blond didn't know much about Wutai, but he had heard nothing but praise for Shinra, and for SOLDIER in their plight against the solitary nation. 

Long tales of honor and bravery were shared in every village about SOLDIER. Namely for one SOLDIER operative in particular, the great Sephiroth. The strongest man in the world. A man with very distinct features; tall, muscular, with a slender face, and a complexion that made you believe he'd stared through the face of death itself.

The famed 1st Class SOLDIER that Cloud had idolized for so long was a man with astoundingly long silver hair, captivating silver eyes, and dressed exclusively in black leather. Cloud on the other hand wasn't particularly remarkable in any aspect. 

He was below average height for his age, had regular blue eyes, his blond hair was messy and spiky at all times despite his best efforts to tame it in a ponytail and up under his helmet. Not to mention that on top of everything else, he couldn't seem to gain muscle mass.

He had wanted nothing more than to be like Sephiroth. He would do anything to be as remarkable as him. But that man was also the reason he was currently staring at a the bottom of the steel bunk above his own in dread and he wondered if it was such a good thing after all to want to be like him. 

Since his arrival at Shinra he had only stood in the presence of Sephiroth once; in a room filled with other infantrymen all attempting to pass the SOLDIER exam. The Hero was there to wish them luck. His presence had been brief, but he couldn't get the 1st class SOLDIER's voice out of his head. 

Cloud wanted nothing but to hear him speak again. He couldn't quite grasp how serene and tantalizing his presence had been, as if he really wanted more people to join SOLDIER. If he made it in to SOLDIER then he may someday get the chance to work with the 1st. Which was why even though he knew he wasn't anywhere near the scores required to pass the exam, he needed to try again. 

As the weeks went by, the young blond became increasingly anxious about his constant sub-par performance. People either passed or they didn't pass, only those who passed ever admitted their scores. Those who didn't avoided the topic with the other people re-applying for the exam entirely. Some thought taking the exam was stupid anyways, that they'd have more chances joining the suits instead. Others hated the competition and if they found out you'd been applying again they'd make your life hell. After a point he had stopped caring that everyone ignored him just because he was quiet. Or bullied him, just because he wasn't good enough at anything. He'd never cared about that stuff back home either. 

He never cared about the people he grew up with, and he didn't care about any of the other infantrymen he had met here either. He missed his mother. He hoped Tifa was well. He regretted every word he'd said to her about wanting to be like Sephiroth. He would stay awake at night thinking about how it was possible to have had the highest of hopes and so much spite push him to such a naive dream. He had wanted to make a name for himself. But more and more, he lingered on the thought that he didn't even know what being cared for felt like anymore anyways. 

He started to think that he would never be able to go back home at this rate. Sighing, rolling over for the umpteenth time that night, still unable to sleep. He stared through pitch darkness at his squad mates who had long dozed off. They were all exhausted from the demanding training regiment the company had them on. 

Working in the infantry in itself wasn't just any feat, but so far he was doing terribly. Only a handful of people from the group he had enlisted with had already made it on to SOLDIER, those who hadn't then quit. New people came in all the time and he felt just as anxious as his first day surrounded by strangers. The SOLDIER exams were held every two months. on the last day of the month. Every moment that passed made him feel worse, because every moment only brought him closer to the next exam. A mix of excitement from the prospect of possibly being in the vicinity of his idol for a few moments again, and the absolute dread of painfully failing each part of the exam again, kept tugging at him to the extent that he felt physically nauseous. The exam was comprised of technical short answer questions, an essay on a developmental topic, as well as a physical strength test, a stamina test, and a combat simulation test. Cloud had received horrible results on each part of the exam during his first attempt. 

He hadn't been able to answer barely any of the questions they had selected, he had no clue what gentrification meant and hadn't been able to write three pages on the topic, nor did he meet the basic standards of physical strength or stamina. In addition to messing up the entire combat simulation within the first minute of it. 

He knew it had just been a virtual simulation, but for some reason he thought he could still feel the bullets that had ripped through his throat concluding his abject failure even now.

Put very frankly, Cloud wasn't anywhere close to entering SOLDIER. If anything he spent most days just trying not to get fired from the infantry. As a result, he spent a lot of his spare time doing tasks for other employees just to make up for all his screw ups. 

He was routinely taken advantage of because of this, but at least most of the errands he had to do for the ones threatening or blackmailing him sometimes gave him an excuse to talk to strangers in the city. He was too apprehensive to strike up conversations otherwise, even if being displaced in such a big city got lonely.

Cloud had no idea what time it was, but he finally lost his patience and got out from his bunk to leave their quarters. He couldn't stand laying awake thinking about how he was never going to get in to SOLDIER all night again. He felt as if he shouldn't of made a promise he couldn't keep, especially not to someone like Tifa. 

Cloud sighed to himself as soon as he'd slipped out of their quarters undetected. He walked aimlessly. The silence of the empty hallways at night creeped him out even if he knew most of the building well enough by now. He wasn't supposed to be wandering after the company's curfew, but he was screwing everything else up, so he may as well screw that up too.

“Oh boy! Angeal! That mission was RADICAL! The most fun I've had in years, by far!”

Cloud froze as soon as he heard a loud voice echo through the lobby of the headquarters he'd managed to wander down to. Had he wanted to leave HQ? This was a bad idea. 

“shit..”

He ducked behind the first beam he saw in hopes that he wouldn't be seen. Peering around the corner he watched two tall dark haired SOLDIER reporting back to HQ. He could only imagine the world of shit he was about to receive for not only breaking curfew but for being caught by SOLDIER members. 

Why he had thought he could make it outside so easily in the dead of the night had long escaped him. Instead he stressed about how unnatural it felt to suddenly want to walk right up to them, just to meet them, despite the amount of trouble he'd get in to. 

Cloud held his breath, trying to remain as small as he could behind the beam. He had to try to get away with it. As he saw them approach he considered that it probably wasn't normal either, to think about how beautiful the younger of the two men was, or about how jarring his smile was.

“Try to keep your head clear. That was an amateur's case. You still have a lot to learn, Zack.”

He recognized the other man now. Angeal, 1st class SOLDIER, and fan-appointed leader of SOLDIER. He was scolding a 3rd named Zack, but the 3rd didn't seem intimidated in the least. He continued to watch Zack's unwavering smile and he forgot about getting caught or even failing.

“My head's never been clearer, Sir!”

Zack responded just as enthusiastically as before, but Cloud was surprised that anyone would talk back to a 1st like that. It was as if he was openly gushing at the older man. The entire time he'd watched them walking down the hallway towards him the 3rd's eyes never left the 1st's. His bright blue eyes were just as insisting as his smile in indicating that he was filled with unwavering joy from their successful mission and the presence of the 1st at his side. They were almost about to pass where he was hiding when Cloud turned his back to the beam in fear leaning back motionless against it.

“Alright, Zack.”

The two SOLDIER walked past him without breaking stride. Neither turned. Cloud watched as they moved past him chatting, like most people did any other time of the day.

“I'm serious Angeal. It was the funnest thing I've ever done. This SOLDIER business is going to suit me just fine! You'll see.”

“Why are you so set on becoming a 1st?”

Cloud almost gasped audibly. Angeal was personally training a 3rd to become a 1st? Cloud didn't think anyone got picked out that early. That sort of thing never happened. Just how strong of a rookie was he for the leader of SOLDIER to take an interest in him? 

“I want to be a hero.”

“A hero?”

“Yeah.”

“From what I saw today, you might do just that.”

Cloud continued to watch in silence. He wondered if he'd ever see that 3rd again. He watched as the pair were about to enter the elevator at the end of the hallway when Angeal glanced over his shoulder and looked directly at him. He thought he'd been caught after all, but he only held his gaze until the elevator doors shut and they were gone.

Cloud wasn't sure if Angeal would end up penalizing him later on or not. He had known that a 1st class SOLDIER should have noticed someone hiding just a few feet away. But then why would he just pretend not to notice him? Did he do it to test Zack? Or because he just didn't care about some nobody who was out past curfew?

It was with a lot of additional stress that Cloud then made it past the only guard patrolling the entire Lobby and slipped out of the front doors of the Shinra building. The cold night air washed over him and he felt like he could breathe again. He wandered the streets until sunrise, mostly for the relief, but also because he was too afraid to return before curfew ended at this rate. 

He kept thinking back to Angeal's neutral gaze. He'd wished he'd grabbed his helmet before leaving his quarters but he hadn't been thinking straight. Not only was he cold, but he was so worried that Angeal would recognize him later. He usually always wore his helmet, but he hadn't been thinking. 

It was so rare to be in the presence of a 1st anyways. Other than at ceremonies or during training. And during training they wore all their equipment. The blond infantryman was barely recognizable with his hair tied up under his helmet, and he liked to keep it that way. 

He'd enjoyed the anonymity at first, but he was even more envious that SOLDIER were strong enough not to need headgear at all. But it wasn't just shame that motivated Cloud to remain hidden. It was also fear. He really didn't want to get a bullet through the head, and so he gladly kept his helmet on as much as he could usually. 

Cloud watched the sun rise up between the reactor and adjacent facilities in the distance. He knew it was time to head back inside, but he hadn't been able to shake off the dread that kept reminding him why he was here.

Just 74 hours until the next SOLDIER exam.

Morning training was always the same; push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups, squats, and running, a lot of running. Cloud may not run as far, or as fast, or beat anyone's records but his own, but he liked how exhilarating pushing your limits was. He didn't mind the working-out part of it all, it was better than the studying or dealing with people parts. He didn't mind pushing himself physically, except the days where his body failed him.

He hated waking up in Medical, yet here he was again. He was trying to remember how it happened this time. Except, all he could remember was blacking out sometime in between the 2nd and 3rd mile of their run that morning. He cringed when he finally felt just how much his head hurt.

The blond gently inspected a large bandage across the side of his face. Looks like he'd really bitten it this time. He groaned at himself and turned over to try to see what time it was. Looks like he'd been out cold for at least two hours if he was telling time right. He wasn't sure that he was.

A nurse noticed that he was awake and got up to come check on him. Cloud thought he recognized the man but he was having trouble focusing. He probably knew all of the staff in Medical by now, it was no use trying to remember every one of them if he kept this up. Besides, he felt he wasn't even in a state to look them in the eye in the first place.

“How are you feeling?”

“...”

The nurse sat down on a chair besides the young blond when he received no response. He sighed before trying another question.

“Do you remember what happened?”

“I'm fine now.”

“That's not what your chart says.”

“...”

Cloud didn't want to hear about how maybe he wasn't cut out for it again, how bad his digital mind waves looked again, or about how he wasn't taking enough care of himself to stay in the Infantry division. Let alone make it in to SOLDIER. He just wanted to get back to his unit before he got fired for missing too many hours of service that week.

“Listen. I know we've been over this before. You already know what I'm going to say don't you?”

“...”

Cloud maintained his silence but the nurse grew impatient.

“Right, so I'll just cut to the chase. The department is suggesting that we increase your infusion levels, adjust your anabolic booster dosage, as well as your Methylphenidate dosage.”

When Cloud still said nothing the nurse went to get the supplies he needed. In a moment he was back and set the tray down on the table beside the infantryman, pulled up his sleeve and swabbed the area for a shot.

“Hold still.”

He warned. He was used to the blond being squeamish when it came to needles but something about the way he lay with his eyes fixed on the ground away from them made him uneasy. It was something so routine, he held his arm firmly as he injected him with yet another anabolic drug. The company manufactured everything they were licensed to use on their employees.

The mixed results in patients he'd witnessed since his time with Shinra administering their technology and drugs worried him. The nurse Cloud couldn't remember the name of made it a point to document as much data as he could. Most of the employee's refused to talk to him or any of the other staff. They all heard rumors about how filling false reports of misconduct could get you fired. He knew Cloud was one of those people, who were too scared to leave the company.

“That's the last shot for today. And we're putting you on 50mg instead of 30mg so please follow the instructions carefully and report any irregularities to us. Okay?”

The nurse had handed the blond a glass of water and a Methylphenidate pill and waited. He sat up and took it without question. Then he handed a few packets to Cloud, who'd also taken it without response. The nurse didn't let go until Cloud looked up at him.

“I mean it, report any irregularities.”

“Okay.”

“You're free to go.”

The nurse let go and with a nod, got up, and walked away while writing down notes on his chart. Cloud watched him go as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and let his feet feel the ground. He wanted to stay. He felt woozy from the shot, or was it from the head injury? He rubbed his arm and pulled his sleeve back down. He looked around at the other patients, worrying about what could of happened to them to end up in here too.

He started to feel sick from worrying about what he'd look like the next time he ended back up in this place if things kept on like this. He willed himself to stand up and made sure he had his footing before heading out of the Med bay without another word. He needed to get back to his quarters and keep studying, there was only an hour until they had to go eat lunch, and even though he wasn't hungry at all, at least studying could distract him until then.

Cloud made his way back in to his division's living quarters, fetched a pile of books from the storage unit besides his bed and hurried back out before too many people could ask him questions about why he disappeared again during training. He ignored the other infantrymen who were trying to talk to him or who were laughing at him, eyeing only the ones who were trying to study in their bunks. He recognized a few who had failed the SOLDIER exam last time too. The one's trying to harass him for fucking up were new members.

He made his way up to the archives, no one used those rooms except a handful of employees but they usually left him alone. There where good tables and good lighting for reviewing documents. It was where he usually went to study when he was especially stressed. When he needed silence.

The next time the blond checked the time he realized he'd ended up studying for hours on end without noticing. He'd forgotten to report in for his first patrol shift, not to mention missed lunch entirely. He was so surprised he'd read for so long, he got up suddenly and reached to pick up his books accidentally knocking half of them to the ground.

A woman shouted when the books clattered to the ground. She turned around expecting to see a row of archives vandalized, but it was just Shinra Military-issued manuals, so she sighed from relief and apologized. Cloud apologized back, he felt terrible he'd startled her like that. He hadn't know what else to say, besides, he had to go. He was just glad she'd returned to her inventory count.

Cloud hurried back down to the Infantry floor and dropped off all his books haphazardly on to his bunk before turning right around and heading back out again. Only those who weren't studying for the SOLDIER exam bothered to look at him come and go.

He started running down the empty hallway back towards the elevator. It was unusually quiet this last week, he knew more troops had just been deployed to Wutai, but something felt off. Maybe it was just the guilt of being late for duty again. He tried to focus on that instead.

When he got out on the SOLDIER floor ,the other infantryman who had been waiting to be relieved from his post practically hissed at him.

“You do this to me again Strife, and it won't just be Security who will teach you a lesson on protocol.”

“I understand. I'm sorry.”

“Save it! Just fucking show up on time tomorrow.”

“It won't happen again.”

Cloud almost fell back in to the elevator when the other infantryman checked him while leaving. There was nothing he hated more than a sudden push or shove. Even the punches that didn't land provoked him just as much now he felt like his heart would stop either way. Threats of violence felt just as bad as being hit, knowing the other person somehow hated you that much. He managed to stay standing and avoided the elevator doors closing in on him, moving back just a few steps before they slammed shut in his face.

He glanced back over his shoulder to assess the current occupancy of the space. He saw no one. It was really too quiet around here. He'd only started patrolling on the SOLDIER floor a little over a week ago. Ever since the Security unit declared that joint training practices where the only way to dispel the myth that SOLDIER was better than the Security Infantry. That meant more of them needed time off work for these special joint training sessions.

Since the rest of the Security unit were set on "Defeating SOLDIER!" none of them wanted to patrol the SOLDIER floor anymore. But they weren't allowed to break their Security contract, and so that meant that the infantrymen that the Captain or prominent members hated most were assigned to those shifts instead. Cloud was at the top of that list somehow.

The fact he got to spend time up here meant he was happy he was hated for once. Even though the SOLDIER floor had a reputation for being dangerous. Fights between Shinra employees could break out at any moment, for any reason, but especially on this floor. Cloud wanted to have a better reason to be there, but at least he was there, and he was glad he had a chance to see more of the 1sts for a change.

Except, since he'd gotten access he hadn't seen any 1sts, or Zack for that matter. Which made him wonder where they all were. He knew Genesis was in Wutai, but he'd never seen so few SOLDIER in HQ before. He nervously brought a hand up to tuck in his hair underneath his helmet. Although, after getting seen sneaking around, he definitely did not want to run in to Angeal. He kept telling himself he wouldn't be recognized with his helmet on, but what if Angeal still did somehow? He just needed to stay focused on avoiding people.

He listened a lot while he patrolled, you could hear people talking about almost anything in this company. The blond had learned how to eavesdrop early on when he joined Shinra. He did a lot of walking, a lot of listening, and definitely not a lot of talking. He found that Shinra never gave them the whole story in their Shinra Newsletters and it caused a lot of gossip to travel.

It was quiet on the SOLDIER floor that night again. Only a 3rd or a 2nd was ever heading in or out and generally avoided him. Most of the SOLDIER had been harassed by the Security unit in one way or another prior to him being assigned there as they grew their rivalry. Thankfully SOLDIER ignored him most of the time, but when they tried to start a fight he'd learned to deflect consistently and loudly.

“I'll never be against SOLDIER.”

The longer he walked down the halls without seeing anyone the stranger he felt until someone interrupted the monotony. He thought that whatever it was that had him on edge about the prolonged silences must of been exaggerated. He should be appreciating how whatever it was, it was making his job easier.

Maybe it meant things were going well on the Wutai mission. He felt like there should of been more gossip from recent events, but it was almost like radio silence. He wondered if that meant that they would resort to dispatching the great Sephiroth overseas soon.


	2. The desertion

Cloud's time spent patrolling was agonizingly slow. He'd walk up and down the same hallways for hours on end. When no one was around it was that much harder. He hadn't realized how used he'd gotten to focusing on other people instead of himself. He'd hated how noisy this place usually was. He had stayed awake entire nights just wishing that, even just for one day, that there wouldn't be so much yelling, or construction, or traffic.

When he'd been hoping for a less abrasive city, this isn't what he'd pictured. The outside felt the same, the gut wrenching sounds of metal being drilled or pounded in to place, or of alarms going off constantly, or the sound of a car screeching to a halt. It felt like it was only the company that had gone silent. He walked up to the large glass windows that lined the common area on the SOLDIER floor and looked out at the city briefly. 

He heard that the construction had only just ended inside of the headquarters, and that the exterior would wake another 2 years to finish. Not to mention another 5 years, minimum, for the rest of the city. And that was only if everything stayed on schedule. He wondered if he'd even still be around when everything was done being built. If he'd get to see it with his own eyes. The city was more than all the steel and lights mangled together, but that's how it felt to him in this deafening silence. He tried to think of being somewhere else, but it was no good, all that came to mind was the sheer amount of steel that was used to build the city.

Could wished he could just go back to studying. He wondered if that was the first time he'd ever thought that since he'd arrived here. He hated studying. He always had. He hadn't expected how extensive the company's testing would be. He had thought being a SOLDIER was mainly about strength, but he hadn't even come near passing those requirements either.

It was too hard for him to try to recite chapters back to himself from memory. He needed to make so many notes to try to memorize anything. He didn't understand how everyone else was able to recall so much information about grenades and how they were even manufactured. He was too afraid to handle them, how was he supposed to know every detail about how they even came in to existence besides to terrify him?

Cloud sighed as he patrolled the halls. He did this a lot. According to the rest of the troops, this was one of the reasons everyone hated him, because he was always sighing. He hadn't noticed how much he did it until he'd managed to aggravate so many people. He tried to hold them back when people where in earshot, but the short infantryman's sighs only got deeper and angrier each time one managed to escape him. When something really bothered him, it was involuntary.

He wished he could just attempt to memorize the last SOLDIER exam to make it through, except that they changed the content of the exams regularly. By now he felt like he should have shown at least some signs of improvement, but in all likelihood he would fail the exam again. He wondered if he should even take it at all with what happened today. He felt exhausted enough to collapse from just patrolling, how was he supposed to try to complete another SOLDIER exam?

Again, he wished he could just go back to studying. Anything to stop the repetitive task of walking in circles. He still had to wait for the next infantryman to come relieve him from his post. He wanted to be doing something useful, anything that could help him get in to SOLDIER. 

Instead he felt useless, every other thought he had was about someone distracting him instead. Usually it was the faces of his superiors, upset with him, or of his hero. He'd come to the point where he felt that Sephiroth was so removed from his own existence within Shinra and that everything he did to try to get closer wasn't worth the effort anymore. 

He used to think of the unrivaled man a lot, probably too much, when he first arrived at the company. Daydreaming? He hated the term. As if it only happened during the day, and as if his thoughts were anything near dream-like. Even when he pictured Sephiroth, he never could manage to imagine the man being happy to see him. He had trouble picturing anyone who didn't hate him lately, except for Zack.

Cloud stopped walking. He needed to catch his breath suddenly. He really wanted to sit down, but there were cameras everywhere and he'd been caught “slacking off” too many times already to risk getting fired. He stood in the middle of the hallway and closed his eyes. The floor seemed deserted for the moment anyways, so it wouldn't really matter if he stopped patrolling for a minute, would it? 

He wasn't certain he'd been right about his realization, but he needed to at least try. Cloud attempted to reconstruct the image of the tall dark haired SOLDIER walking towards him in his mind. Remembering the smile he'd seen on the man's face alone made him feel like he'd lost his sense of time all together. He couldn't bare to continue imagining the other man smiling at him like that. He felt wrong. After all, he was convinced that the SOLDIER's opinion of him would end up being just like everyone else's should they ever meet.

He resumed his walk as if he'd never paused in his tracks at all. He felt his eyes burn despite himself, but no tears came. He was just too tired, he shouldn't be doing stupid things like that while he was on duty. He was lucky he was even allowed on to the SOLDIER floor in the first place. He just needed to get through this shift so that he could get back to studying. And eat something. He was feeling increasingly weak, and he regretted not getting something on his way up here. 

Cloud stared out at the city while he rounded the common area for the 21st time that night and sighed. By the time the next infantryman showed up he had forgotten what time his shift was even supposed to end. His phone had died, so he couldn't check online, and he couldn't remember his schedule for the life of him. When an infantryman finally did exit the elevators Cloud went up to him. 

“Strife.”

“Leblanc.” 

The other infantryman looked around the empty floor and sighed when he didn't see anyone, rubbing the back of his head before asking. 

“Do you think the rumours are true?”

“Which rumours?”

“About Genesis. I heard he and his entire unit deserted in Wutai.”

“Are you serious?”

Cloud swayed, he felt like he was going to pass out again and took a few steps past the other man, reaching out to the nearest wall for support from the shocking news. Leblanc hesitated for a moment, wondering if he was alright before elaborating. 

“Yeah. I heard Genesis convinced a ton of 2nds and 3rds to betray Shinra with him. I heard they've been emailing others internally to desert too. Everyone's talking about it. They aren't even sure how many have deserted yet.”

“Why did Genesis betray Shinra?”

Cloud asked quietly. He couldn't believe it. He looked back at Leblanc who had simply continued to gossip openly.

“It sucks. I don't want the likes of them coming after us. It makes me want to quit too. But I'm no deserter! Uh, well you know how Genesis went on and on about becoming a hero? I don't get it either. Shinra must have done something he didn't like in Wutai. That's my guess anyways. I heard the emails from the other ex-SOLDIERs have just been about how corrupt Shinra is and about how all they're accomplishing is poisoning the world, and on and on about how evil the company is and that it's up to them to end the suffering of the world.”

“T-That can't be.”

“I know! I don't know man, it sounds like maybe he's just lost it. Why wouldn't he just tell us what Shinra supposedly did in the first place? What the hell do they mean by all the suffering? Shinra helps people.” 

When Cloud went silent the other infantryman adjusted the rifle on his back and turned to go.

“Well, no time to slack off. I heard the company is firing anyone they suspect is involved, so don't tell anyone what I said to you, okay?”

Cloud nodded solemnly and Leblanc left to patrol the floor. It took some time for Cloud to make it to the elevator. He was so shocked that the popular 1st Class SOLDIER Genesis betrayed the company. Maybe the recent break-ins they were experiencing where related to the desertions? He needed to find out more about this. But he couldn't risk the distraction right now, it would have to wait until after the next SOLDIER exam.

He went down to the cafeteria and grabbed some basics before returning to his quarters. He ate on his way back. He was too starved to wait any longer, except that the smell of all the food had made him more nauseous than usual. He had picked very bland items and gotten in and out as fast as he could yet still had trouble eating any of it.

He had to think of where to go to study. They would be locking off non-essential floors soon when curfew came up, which meant he had really limited options. He got back to his bunk, stuffed the books he'd discarded there earlier in to a bag and collapsed on to his bed for a second. 

At least that's how he justified it to himself. He needed just a second to stop and figure out where he could hold out for a few more hours to finish his notes on that latest study Shinra had released. It must have been hours since that last thought, because the next thing he knew he was sitting in the back of a convertible. Since that was highly improbable, he definitely knew that he was dreaming.

Cloud rarely dreamed, or more accurately, scarcely remembered his dreams. He'd never questioned why really, but he reasoned that it was because his dreams were typically lucid, reoccurring, and uninteresting to him and that's why he never remembered them. Except he'd never had a dream like this one before. He felt wind all around him as the car sped down the highway, he looked over at the driver and saw a tall man with short black disheveled hair and blue eyes. Cloud looked around them, but it was pitch black out and they were speeding incredibly fast everything looked like a blur around them.

“Zack?”

The driver turned to look at him in response as he sat confused in the back seat. Zack's hands remained steady on the wheel and looked at him for what seemed like much too long. His blue eyes shone in the dark. He could barely make out his features but he knew it was him. 

“Cloud.”

He'd felt as if the car had suddenly hit a wall in the moment he heard the other man say his name. He rolled over in bed, the shock of the sudden crash had him breathing heavily, trying to calm down. He felt his heart racing from the dream ending so suddenly. How did he allow himself to fall asleep in the first place? He tried to check the time on his phone but he had forgotten to plug it in. He squinted in the darkness looking for a digital clock anywhere. 

It was 4 A.M. And he still had to wait another hour before curfew was lifted. Only a little less than 51 hours until the next SOLDIER exam. He plugged his phone in quietly and looked around at all the bunks. It looked like he was the only one awake. He didn't necessarily need his phone until his next work shift so he decided to just leave it. He only grabbed his bag of books and his helmet on the way out.

He'd rather forget all about the dream. It made no sense. Why would he leave the city with Zack like that? No one in SOLDIER even owned convertibles. What kind of idiot dreamed about getting driven around as if he was the president or some shit. He was so frustrated at himself. Especially for how much he had enjoyed the brief escape.

He had a hard time studying that morning. And an even harder time at training. He'd thought about quitting too many times, which led to him legitimately questioning his own sanity. Everyone by now was gossiping about Genesis and his deserters. A lot of pressure was coming down from management across the board because of it too. 

Cloud still couldn't bring himself to give up. He had been the first to report in for training that morning. The Infantry captain on duty was the same as yesterday's and he asked him what Medical had said, but Cloud only answered that they had cleared him for duty. He captain called him as useless as a piece of furniture and walked away to check on the rest of the unit in the locker room. 

The next two days had felt like hell. He managed to stay in line and hadn't caused himself too much additional grief before the exam, but despite all his studying he couldn't shake the regret of not being more prepared for it. He started to feel like he was never prepared for anything.

When he walked in to the exam room at the designated time that dreaded morning, he managed to make a fool of himself before the ordeal even began. He'd stopped upon seeing Sephiroth standing at the front of the room. The tall silver-haired man was leaning against the podium, waiting for everyone to sit down. Two people had run in to him in the process of stopping in the middle of the entrance. They threw a few insults directed his way as they shoved past and he'd managed to get out of the way and sit down in the nearest seat to the door.

The blond didn't dare look up again until a 3rd and a 2nd who were actually there to supervise the exam had finished passing them out to everyone who'd shown up. He tried to avoid looking at the 1st, he was too ashamed from gawking at him when he'd entered. He had thought that Sephiroth being present during the last exam had been a special occurrence. He couldn't believe it was happening again. 

1sts rarely attended entrance exams. They usually had to handle too many other things, and so he was worried why Sephiroth would be there again like this. Last time he had simply wished them well, but he wondered if he was here because of the desertion. Maybe this was the company trying to tighten the ranks. 

“I'm not here to lie to you." Sephiroth started bluntly. "You've probably all already heard the rumours. And they're true. Genesis has deserted Shinra.”

The entire room gasped audibly at Sephiroth's cold announcement. The SOLDIER brushed his bangs back as if he was exasperated waiting for everyone to stop whispering so that he could continue.

“Shinra needs SOLDIER more than ever. That's why I came to tell you all, you who will attempt to join SOLDIER today, that there is a lot of work ahead of you should you succeed.”

With that the silver-haired man walked out of the room leaving the other two SOLDIERs to quiet down the men that had erupted in to frantic gossiping. Cloud had sat by the door out of desperation to get out of the way as fast as he could, not because he had expected to be so close to his hero as he left the room unceremoniously. He regretted his choice of seating. 

He'd watched him walk all the way to the door, he hadn't wanted to, but he felt paralyzed by the sight of him. The hero had sounded detached, almost angry, during his address. But he could clearly see something else as he walked away from all of them. He looked sad. Had he and Genesis been close?

Cloud flinched when the man's silver eyes met his gaze briefly before he walked out through the electronic doors. It looked like he'd disapproved of being read so easily. He couldn't understand why the great Sephiroth had even looked at him at all. He was conflicted with the notion that he shouldn't have been staring at the man that way in the first place.

The exam had been just as difficult, and the rest of that day had felt like torture just waiting for the innevitable. The following day after the results of the exams had been posted online had felt even worse somehow. He couldn't believe that his scores had barely improved. He was still nowhere near passing. An entire month went by in a blur of pain and disappointment. 

Ever since Sephiroth had openly stated what no one else in the company would tell them the chatter had been ceaseless. He almost missed the deafening silence they'd all dredged through.At least it was better than everyone fighting and turning on each other. No one seemed to be able to explain why any of the desertion had happened in the first place.

Cloud had asked around as much as he could to try to figure things out, but most of his efforts had just gotten him in to more problems. People thought he was trying to either protect Genesis or idolize Sephiroth and he didn't want to be seen as doing anything except wanting the truth. 

He was on another long patrol shift on the SOLDIER floor one night, exhausted from training and studying as ever, when he noticed Zack again. It was the first time he'd seen him again since running in to him and Angeal that one night. His uniform was different, it had only been a little over a month and he had already been promoted from 3rd to 2nd? Who was this guy?

Cloud watched from behind the bend of the hallway as the blue eyed SOLDIER did squats in the common area. He had been at it for what seemed like forever now. Cloud had been too nervous to continue his patrol when he'd noticed the dark haired man complaining to himself in public between squats to blow off steam.

The blond was starting to feel awful about watching him for so long. His form was perfect, swinging his arms in a fluid motion, grunting as his entire body bobbed up and down. His legs were massive, and he showed no signs of slowing down. He looked upset about something, and despite his distracting activity, Cloud tried his best to hear what he was moaning about. 

The sudden elevator ding behind him almost made him jump out of his skin. Cloud had awkwardly spun around to see who had come out of the elevators when he saw it was another SOLDIER. The man looked right at him, practically caught red-handed spying, except that when he saw it was Zack in the distance, all the SOLDIER did was give the eavesdropping infantryman a smug look before walking right over to Zack with defiant confidence.

Cloud had been too afraid of being called out by the other SOLDIER to move, but his jaw dropped when he saw that he'd just ignored him to go sit down on the steps nearest to Zack. The man leaned back on one arm almost too casually. Something about the tone of voice he used to address Zack made Cloud really uncomfortable.

“Hey Zack, you seem a little on edge.”

Cloud knew he should have moved on long before he'd even gotten caught, but since the SOLDIER hadn't explicitly ordered him to mind his own business, he couldn't help but keep listening.

“Can you blame me? All this training. And no assignments. Like they're hanging me out to dry. You must be pretty busy with everyone off base.”

“Huh? Off-base? Wait, haven't you heard?”

Kunsel had stopped overtly staring at the other man's ass while he did squats and stood back up in surprise when he realized Zack was out of the loop. Cloud was surprised Zack didn't know too, but the scene had made him realize he didn't feel so bad anymore that he'd been distracted by Zack's body with the way that other SOLDIER had just sat down to admire the view in spite of the way he'd been watching from afar. 

“There's been a mass desertion at SOLDIER. It appears one of the 1sts deserted. He took a bunch of 2nds and 3rds with him, too.”

Zack had stopped his squats abruptly when he heard the word desertion. Cloud wondered why the SOLDIER hadn't just told Zack it was Genesis. How could Zack not have heard what had happened already? 

“Nobody knows why he left, or what he's up to. This mass desertion's the reason your training's on hold.”

Kunsel had continued, earnestly filling in Zack as best he could. The elevator dinged again and Cloud thought he'd died again for the second time that night from surprise. Angeal was next to walk straight past him in to the common area, completely ignoring him.

“Heads up, a 1st!”

Kunsel announced. It was protocol for the next highest ranking SOLDIER to announce such things.

“Zack, new assignment.”

“Woo! Finally! Some real action!”

Cloud was surprised by the SOLDIER's enthusiasm. He was rising so fast, and there he was being handed another high-profile assignment. It looked as if he wasn't bothered by the desertion at all as he ran up to Angeal, and the 1st class SOLDIER proceeded to promised him;

“This will be your show.”

“Yes!” 

Zack exclaimed in turn.

“Report to Director Lazard. We'll give you the details.”

Angeal walked off to the briefing room and Zack stayed behind just a moment longer to gloat to the other 2nd class SOLDIER.

“Watch me make 1st with this assignment, Kunsel.”

“I'm rooting for you, Zack.”

Cloud watched Zack disappear in to the briefing room and he finally resumed his patrolling. His shift was almost over and he wished there had been a way to find out where Zack was going to be sent. The company kept a lot of information about missions to a need-to-know basis, which was meant to prevent security leaks. Despite the company's best efforts to maintain covert operations, there were just too many employees with huge mouths who managed to work for them. Rumors circulated through gossip and emails faster than an electrical fire spread through cheap housing.

He couldn't help but wonder what kind of show Angeal had in store for the young SOLDIER? Cloud certainly admired Zack's strength and ambition, but he was left feeling unreasonably worried about where he would be dispatched by Lazard with Angeal. What if they made him go after Genesis in Wutai? What if he never came back either?


	3. The end of the war

Cloud hadn't slept that night knowing Zack was being deployed overseas. He checked the news, message boards, blogs, any source he could find for updates on the Wutai war.

He couldn't shake the sense of dread he felt since the man had suddenly been sent to Wutai. He couldn't explain it. He'd never even talked to him. He knew exactly nothing about him.

They received the official email about the mobilization many had witnessed just before morning training; 

\------------------------------  
Subject: Situation with Wutai  
\------------------------------

From: Shinra News

We have received reports from the Security and  
SOLDIER departments on the state of war with Wutai. 

We have been in negotiations with Wutai for years in  
order to peacefully resolve the long dispute regarding  
mako extraction in the region. However, Wutai's steadfast  
refusal has resulted in aggravated tensions.  
In order to break through this impasse, we have decided  
to resume military action. A special attack force of the  
smallest size has been mobilized to keep the scale of  
operations to a minimum.

\--

He'd read the email over several times while attempting to search for real updates and coming up empty handed. They didn't even say who they had sent. But a ton of employees clearly saw Lazard, Angeal, Sephiroth, and Zack along with a handful of men, leave HQ. That's all anyone knew and everyone had immediately moved on from that fact. He wished he knew where to look, but the company was highly secretive when it came to ongoing missions.

He tried the only thing he knew how to do, he hung around after training to listen to gossip. The longer he listened to people talking about anything unrelated to the war, the lower Cloud sank. He knew he couldn't outright ask anyone for updates, anything not released directly from Shinra was considered leaking classified information. Emails and calls on company lines were monitored, sounded reasonable, if you didn't know all lines where Shinra owned. 

On the second day without any news he'd been so desperate to find an inside source that he even asked the Soldier fans who gathered in front of HQ if they had heard anything new. He thought maybe one of them knew someone who was “close” to one of the SOLDIER deployed. They hadn't. He regretted even asking. They had then tried to make him pick between Angeal, Sephiroth, and Genesis. The infantryman walked away to their dismay. 

He was exhausted from lack of sleep. Well, that wasn't exactly new, but the additional stress was making him feel far worse than usual. He'd never been so scared in his life. He thought he had seen the worse of it already. How much more was there to possibly feel? He'd already feared for his own life on several occasions. He'd been convinced that he'd felt all of the loneliness, and all the pain a person could withstand, but he'd never imagined something like this. 

He needed to know if Zack was alright. He remembered the guilt he'd endured when Tifa got hurt when they fell in the mountains all those years ago. He remembered worrying back then too. Somehow he had known she would be alright. He knew she was a million times tougher than him. She probably still was. But what had hurt most back then was the guilt of being blamed for it when he'd only wanted to help.

Cloud checked his phone excessively for notifications or updates from the tags he was tracking. He felt sick to his stomach, he couldn't eat, and he felt as if he'd completely lost touch with everything he'd been working towards. Things were getting out of hand. He was supposed to be joining SOLDIER, not stalking one.

He told himself that Zack would be fine. He was a million times stronger than him too. So then what was making him feel like he'd never see him again? Never get to even meet him. Not that he'd ever have a reason to. 

Cloud sighed and put his phone away again before anyone got angry. The day had been agonizingly long and he wasn't done his shift patrolling yet. The only other piece of information they got later that day was that Rufus had been promoted to VP.

\------------------------------------  
Subject: Personnel Announcement 0012  
\-------------------------------------

From: Shinra News

Official Personnel Announcement

Effective today, Rufus Shinra has been appointed to  
Vice President and Corporate Officer.

Additionally, Rufus Shinra has departed on a  
long-term business trip, the details of which cannot  
be disclosed for security reasons.

\--

He was so sick of reading those only two emails since Zack had left. No one knew anything and staring at the screen on his phone was starting to give him a migraine. The rest of the 2nds and 3rds were off running scavenger missions in the meantime. The company's usual tactic when anything was going on was to keep everyone busy.

Cloud hadn't remembered falling asleep that night. All he knew was that he was staring down a highway again. This time he was in the passenger seat, and the radio was on. He glanced over and studied Zack again, wondering why his dreams where always so simplistic. 

They listened to the music while he drove them out of the city. Or was it in to the city? He couldn't tell. The song had a rhythm, but when he tried to listen too closely it only sounded like static. He willed himself to reach over and touch the other man's face. He'd often had lucidity to his dreams. Even though most of the time he had no idea what was going on, like most dreams. Sometimes they were reoccurring dreams, so he'd learned that remembering how they unfolded let him to try to change their outcome.

He looked the SOLDIER over once he'd caressed his face. He looked the same as in his last dream. The tall man's eyes were bright in the darkness as he steered the convertible at top speed. Streetlights whipped by, briefly illuminating them as he inched towards the immobile chauffeur.

Cloud thought that if they were just going to crash anyways, he may as well be the cause of it. He slid his hand from the man's cheek down his jaw then behind his head to run his fingers through his hair as he moved closer. He wanted nothing more than to feel his lips before it was too late but it wasn't right. Zack wasn't smiling at him as he had in his first dream. Wait? Had he been smiling at him last time at all.

Zack was staring ahead down the road past him, but before Cloud could turn to see why, he felt the car reach it's unfortunate destination and their bodies were suddenly flung forward from inertia. Both unbuckled, they went crashing through the windshield. He woke up screaming.

“What the fuck!?”

Someone shouted back. Cloud groaned through a sob in response when he stopped screaming. Several Infantrymen were either yelling as well, or throwing something in his general direction. 

“God damn shut up and go back to sleep!”

“It's 3 fucking AM!”

“Fuck what the fuck who was that?”

“Fucking Strife.”

“Go back to sleep!”

Cloud wanted to get out. He was chocking back sobs quietly while half his unit begrudgingly tried to get back to sleep by yelling at those who were still talking or cursing at him. He rolled over and picked up the cellphone he'd fallen asleep on early, pulled the covers over his head, and tried to hold on to the metal frame to stop feeling like he was falling.

It felt more like being thrown. Like being pushed down stairs. It took a while before he could breathe right again. It always took a while to calm down whenever he started crying like that. It wasn't so much the exhaustion from it that bothered him, but the searing pain in his chest and throat when he couldn't contain himself.

Once he'd worked up the courage he flipped open his phone under the covers. He'd get reprimanded for this on top of waking everyone up if anyone saw. But he didn't care, no one could see the light this way, and he needed to know if there was any news. He had no notifications. 

Cloud closed his phone and rolled over again. Morning couldn't come fast enough. He couldn't bare to be in there another second. As soon as the automatic alarm went off he was already walking towards the exit. 

“Strife.”

His superior called him almost immediately. He looked back and saw he was still putting his boots on, so he walked faster towards the door. He grabbed his gear while the rest groaned about having to get up more so than usual. 

“Where do you think you're going?”

When Cloud didn't respond the other man proceeded to shout, and a few others hesitated as to if they should attempt to restrain the blond or not.

“That's another mark-down, Strife!”

He kept walking. He hated being reprimanded for shit he had no control over. What was the difference between one mark-down or two mark downs the same morning at this rate. He hated that no one was talking about the war. How many people had been sacrificed over the years? It had been almost 10 years since the Wutai nation and Shinra had been facing off. The only two remaining world powers.

His town had welcomed the Shinra long ago. The first Mako Reactor ever even was built in Mt. Nibel. He didn't know what life was like without the Shinra. He wished he could have seen what Wutai was like before they had decided they needed another reactor and started the war at all. 

What where they fighting for exactly? Just more Mako? He looked at his phone again. Still no notifications. No one knew anything. Everyone was more interested in getting through their day than wondering about what the company was really doing overseas.

Cloud sighed and realized he was just as guilty. He'd never worried about the war before. It had been going since he was a kid and he never questioned it. Why were they only dispatching 1st class SOLDIERs now that one of them was missing? Shouldn't they have sent them all together instead from the start?

The news reports had long claimed that the SOLDIER initiative would bring an end to the war. Did Wutai have a secret weapon too? Had Genesis and his entire unit been killed off? Why did they think that he deserted willingly? What if they were just all dead? What if all the SOLDIER ended up K.I.A. and then the Wutai came after HQ next? 

Why hadn't they sent Sephiroth instead of Genesis in the first place? 

Cloud stopped walking. He swayed for an instant. That feeling of falling, of being weightless for just an instant. It made him panic, feeling as if he was about to faint, so he reached out to the nearest wall to brace himself. What was he going on about? He needed to keep his head low. If he got fired he'd never find out if Zack was alright.

He tried to dredge through another day. He hated routine. By the time morning training was over he was too tired to even look at his phone anymore. He knew he couldn't rely on the intranet, it was just inane filtered chatter. He needed to find a source. He was considering skipping lunch. He couldn't remember the last prescription he'd taken. He wasn't in any shape to keep this up.

He returned to their quarters while everyone else was out and decided to try and at least sleep before his patrol shift. Well he tried. He hadn't known if he'd slept at all before sudden shouting and cheering interrupted his train of thought. It was coming from the door as several infantrymen returned from lunch in some sort of frenzy, singing the Shinra anthem at that.

He groaned and sat up in confusion, watching the guys cheering and singing. He got up and opened his phone. He'd missed an email notification;

\--------------------------------  
Subject: President's declaration  
\---------------------------------

From: Shinra News

We hereby declare the end of the war with Wutai.  
Worthy of note is Sephiroth, SOLDIER 1st Class, whose  
contributions were instrumental in bringing about a  
peaceful resolution with a minimum of casualties.  
The end of this war marks the beginning of distribution  
and further development of mako throughout all regions.  
The Shinra Company is dedicated to these goals and  
will continue to achieve them by any means possible.

\- President Shinra

\--

The war was over? Cloud dropped his phone. The other infantrymen looked at him and they all burst in to cheering when they saw the shock on his face. 

“It's over! It's really over, we won!”

They kept shouting. They were dropping their gear off and practically flailing about the room with excitement.

“They're giving us the rest of the day off! They're throwing a party tonight for the returning hero, Sephiroth! We won!!”

Cloud picked up his phone from the floor and inspected it for damage nervously before putting it back in to his pocket without a word. He couldn't believe what he had just read, or heard. What did any means possible mean? What had Sephiroth done? Who were the casualties? 

“Come on! Let's go! We'll miss all the champagne!”

Cloud shook his head. The others didn't bother to stay to convince him to consume free alcohol as they were already marching off to partake. When the doors slid open again he could hear the sound of even more people cheering from the hallways before the door slammed shut again. 

“What casualties?”

Cloud questioned out loud. If only to feel just how much his throat hurt in that instant. He couldn't just break down. He needed to go see. He needed to know if he was back or not.

The entire HQ was buzzing with celebration like he'd never seen it before. He got out on the 3rd floor and he could see every surface was lined with white tablecloth and drinks and food were being pilled on in preparation. A podium was being installed for the president's address and the lobby was filling with people. Only authorized guests and employees were being let up to the 2nd and 3rd floors but they would probably be broadcasting the whole thing across the city.

Cloud anxiously looked around and tried to ask people when they were due back in Midgar but they only answered hurriedly before moving on.

"Any moment now!"

He begrudgingly took a drink, if only to get people to stop shoving trays in his face. Everyone was so happy. The president sure let it show that the only one he cared about was Sephiroth. He wondered why that was. Angeal and Genesis (and Zack) were probably all amazing SOLDIER too weren't they? Didn't anyone care about the casualties? His heart sunk when he thought that Zack might not to be walking in any second now.

It felt like hours had gone by. He had lost track of how many drinks he'd had. By now he was angry no one could tell him who else was making it back alive except the great Hero. Everyone who worked at Shinra was celebrating by this point, even the catering staff. There was music playing and everyone chatted about how amazing Sephiroth was. 

For the first time Cloud was sick of hearing about Sephiroth. He moved down to the 2nd floor to try to get away from all of the chatter. People were dancing in this area and really letting lose while some of the staff kept prepping cameras and equipment on the 3rd floor for the grand arrival. 

He'd been staring out at the crowd for an eternity when an audible gasp from the crowd down bellow alerted him. The security infantry had asked civilians to move aside and clear a path through the lobby. The entire HQ erupted in to cheers and applause and Cloud had to hold on to the banister not to fall in to the lobby from being pushed to see by everyone behind him.

There was Sephiroth. Not bothering to look at anyone, simply making his way fluidly through to the staircase while the infantrymen held the manic crowd back from storming their hero. Lazard followed, looking proud, smiling and waiving at everyone who was cheering.

He almost leaned too far over the banister when he hadn't seen Angeal next, nor Zack, a few more men followed the pair in to the building before Zack did, lagging behind. He wasn't looking at anyone either.

Where was Angeal?

The infantrymen moved back and blocked off the staircase again once the men had made it through to the second floor. Lazard was shaking hands and making his way up to the 3rd floor with Sephiroth. The rest of the men readily joined the celebrations. All but Zack, who walked straight up past everyone and left through the elevators.

Well that wasn't going to be good for PR. Cloud could already see several people gossiping about the 2nd class SOLDIER just leaving without a word. He wanted to follow Zack, but he didn't know what he could even do for him. Cloud watched Sephiroth from across the room and despite the fact he seemed to be acknowledging the public as he usually did, Cloud couldn't help but feel that he seemed incredibly sad.


	4. Post-war tentions

Cloud only snapped out of his daze when someone almost knocked him over trying to get by him. He'd been staring at Sephiroth for so long he felt numb, or maybe it was all the alcohol. He scanned the crowd but no one seemed to care that their hero wasn't showing any signs of partaking in his victory. 

Everyone was so ecstatic to see Sephiroth up close and for the president to speak that nothing else seemed to matter to them. He watched as the crowd swelled and ushered the two revered men up to the podium and cameras. He couldn't bare to keep watching anymore. He knew something went wrong with Angeal and that he wouldn't find out more by staying for the speech.

Cloud turned to leave. Somehow he'd underestimated how difficult it was to leave a crowded party. He was trying to get to the elevators and hadn't realized how drunk he was until he'd stumbled a couple times trying to avoid people with little success.

He still couldn't believe how happy they all seemed. He wondered if he would be acting just like them had he not been filled with so much grief for a SOLDIER he didn't even know. Would he have been just like all the others trying to get closer to Sephiroth instead of chasing after a stranger?

The infantryman had no idea what he was doing but he couldn't help needing to try. Finding Zack would he hard enough. What would he look like if he got caught sneaking around where he shouldn't be while the President gives his speech. He knew he shouldn't be going up there, but the look on Zack's face upon entering HQ was plaguing him. What was it like to lose a mentor? He wouldn't know, but he thought he'd felt part of it somehow. 

Other employees crowded in to the elevator as they progressively ascended. It seemed as though he wasn't the only one uninterested in the party bellow, or the one above. He overheard a few who were carrying as many bottles as they could in their arms talk about how the real party was on floor 61 tonight.

Cloud got off on floor 49. He followed his gut and somehow his gut was right. Except, he wasn't the only one who had worried about the man's sombre return. That other SOLDIER he'd seen with Zack before, Kunsel, was already talking to Zack in front of the training room.

Cloud moved back from the nearest corner to hide when he'd seen the pair. He wasn't wearing his helmet, and he instantly regretted his decision to find the man. While he seemed compelled by bad ideas, he peered around the corner to watch the pair arguing.

“You can't get caught up in all this desertion mess, Zack.”

Kunsel pleaded, his voice sounded minuscule compared to the anger Zack projected back.

“I'm not! He's not!”

Kunsel took a step back, raising his hands defensively.

“I just meant that no matter what's going on, we still need you, Zack.”

Zack sighed sharply before going back on the defensive.

“He's not a traitor.”

“I didn't say that!”

Kunsel tried to defend himself, but Zack just shouted back.

“He's not a traitor! He's coming back!”

Zack turned away and went in to the training room before Kunsel could say anything else. The other man was left standing there shocked. 

Cloud was just as shocked. His chest felt heavy and he couldn't breathe. He knew he needed to get out of there. He shouldn't have seen any of that. There was nothing he could do. He reasoned that it was safer for everyone to let the SOLDIER blow off steam in the VR system for now.

The blond headed towards the stairs. He couldn't risk getting stuck waiting for a crowded elevator again, not while he was on the verge of whatever it was that was preventing him from breathing.

The pain in Zack's voice had filled him with agony. He tried to hurry, quietly, but he barely saw where he was going. His throat burned, his eyes stung, he wanted to cry, but nothing was coming out. He had to stop walking and brace himself against a wall to collect himself.

“Hey you.”

Cloud looked over his shoulder. It was Kunsel. He couldn't move.

“Yes, you. What are you doing here?”

Cloud wanted to give an excuse, but he was too afraid. His heart was racing and he just wanted to make a break for it, he was so close to the stairs, why had he stopped? 

“Hey! I asked you a question!”

Kunsel was coming closer and Cloud moved from the wall to step away from him almost stumbling backwards in the process.

“Nothing.”

Cloud mumbled, he couldn't look the SOLDIER in the eye. The other man sighed when he saw the state he was in.

“Shit. Are you drunk? The party's downstairs. What are you doing here?”

“Uh... I..”

“Look, just get out of here.”

Kunsel shook his head at him as he dismissed him and Cloud turned to head down the stairs. He had to hold on to the banister with all of his strength. Every step down he took felt as if the ground would open up beneath him.

The blond had never felt so disoriented before. He wanted to blame it on the alcohol, but he knew that it wasn't normal to care so much about someone he didn't even know. He just hoped Angeal would return, for Zack's sake.

The next day everyone was hungover. Training that morning had been a joke. Some were doing worse than him for a change. He almost enjoyed it, but all the talk about how lit the party had been was too demoralizing.

All he'd thought about that morning was his patrol shift later that day. He wanted to see if Zack was doing any better. As soon as training was over and they were dismissed he was pulled aside by his superior and the 18th division captain.

They told him his work duty had been changed following several mark-downs in addition to a complaint from a SOLDIER that morning with regards to suspicious behavior. Cloud didn't see the point of making any excuses, he could only nod while they told him they were assigning him to the slums instead.

No one wanted to patrol the slums. He'd heard all about how terrible it was down there, and how more and more monsters were spawning by the minute. He didn't have a choice but to go.

He was more concerned about how he was ever going to get a chance to talk to Zack at this rate instead of his own safety. He'd never actually been to the slums before. When he enlisted he was driven in with a group of young men who were also applying to work for Shinra right in to the city.

That day had been his first time taking a train as well. He'd boarded with his employee pass and walked down the crowded cars, watching as they passed steel beam after steel beam descending from the plate above. He held the strap to the rifle slung over his shoulder tightly.

He had no idea so many people traveled to and from the slums each day. Once they'd disembarked he followed the commuters out in to the adjacent marketplace and he looked around in amazement.

It wasn't what he had expected at all. It actually seemed nice, but the rumors weren't all wrong. Once he'd made his rounds he'd seen that there were definitely a lot of monsters. Not to mention a lot of people who didn't like Shinra. Thankfully, they hated monsters more than the Shinra and he was able to shoot down a few of them to get people off his back. 

He gained more experience down there in a month than he had since he'd joined Shinra. It was strange being somewhere else than Midgar at first. He wasn't sure if he liked it, or if he just couldn't tell how bad he felt anymore.

It had been so long since he'd last seen Zack, he wished he could of spoken to him about the war, but he hadn't seen him since the night he'd returned. Even if he had, he knew he would never have the courage to do so. There was still no sign of Angeal, so he expected things weren't great for either of them. 

No one had any idea what really happened in Wutai. The company hadn't released any details. They hadn't even outright said if Rufus' overseas business was in Wutai or not. No one in SOLDIER had said a word either since. He would have heard if they had but everyone seemed worried SOLDIER was falling apart.

Cloud was sick of people talking about nothing. And now he was tried of them asking him about the slums. He'd preferred it when people had just ignored him. He didn't want to talk about all the monsters. There actually seemed to be more and more every week. His first few confrontations had been nerve-wracking but he'd managed to survive so far.

The slums were like nothing anyone knew outside of Midgar, and because of that it was a prime area for contraband and other services. He hated being accosted with requests for illicit purchases. He especially hated being accosted by people IN the slums. They didn't want anything from him except for him to leave because they hated the Shinra and he couldn't do that.

If he left he'd get reported. There were cameras in their helmets. There were cameras in the marketplace too. Well, a few, or the ones the residents couldn't get to at least. He thought he'd gotten used to the monitoring when he'd first joined the company but somehow it still got under his skin sometimes.

He hated that he still wanted to join SOLDIER. He wanted to quit even more now that he was constantly getting ambushed by monsters on his patrol duty. He'd accumulated a impressible collection of scrapes and bruises from all his encounters. Getting knocked down and trampled by monsters became part of his routine. He preferred it to being beat up by men, because at least the monsters couldn't tell him all the reasons why they were doing it in the first place. 

There was only one other detail besides being far away beneath Midgar that managed to reassured him. It was someone he couldn't describe to anyone. He refused to speak of her, or mention her name to anyone, for her sake. But her name was Aerith.

He'd seen the green-eyed girl walk though the marketplace many times. Everyone greeted her so warmly. That's how he'd learned her name. She smiled at everyone except for him, but he couldn't blame her. He was a faceless armed man whom she probably hated just like everyone else down here. He hadn't blamed any of them from the start either. 

If anything he was starting to hate Shinra too. He hated that they let two of their 1sts go on some traitorous desertion without explanation. He hated that they'd systematically murdered anyone who stood in the way of mako exploitation. He hated that Zack had probably killed many people in Wutai along with his hero Sephiroth.

Cloud wished he could think of something other than the war that had supposedly just ended. He wished everyone down in the slums wouldn't hate him as much, but it only made him work harder. 

Even Aerith had looked at him once with so much apprehension that she'd looked away as if more disgusted at herself for even looking than how disgusted she was with him. He hated that he had to be the person that made her feel that way.

Cloud felt as if something was different about her. It wasn't just her beauty, or her ceaseless kindness. Something felt different about her. Every time he saw her, he was left wondering about the lingering presence she had. Like warmth radiating through your skin. As if she was the sun and they all orbited her presence. 

He had spent a lot of time wondering if it was the same feeling he'd had when he'd first seen Zack. It felt so familiar in a way, but completely different in others. Zack had made his heart race. Lifted him through an instant of wonder and admiration for a person so beautiful and so strong he couldn't of expected to exist. 

But Aerith felt miraculous in a different way. Just her presence made him feel serene in ways he couldn't explain. All he knew for sure was that he wished he could talk to her too, somehow.

It had been a month so far and she never had, and he refused to cause her any grief by addressing her himself. All he could do was try to keep her safe through the simple act of expending as many Shinra issued bullets in to monsters as he could between the church and the marketplace.

The constant adrenaline that came with clearing out monsters left him feeling more on edge than ever. He felt like he hadn't been able to focus on anything else for all that time since he'd been assigned to the slums. Between training, studying, and his patrol shifts he didn't do anything else. The next exam was coming up and as long as Shinra didn't fire him, he would still try to make it in to SOLDIER.

He'd been sleeping more than usual somehow. He hadn't dreamed about Zack in a while, but he was still more than thankful for the sleep. Though the night before he hadn't been able to sleep before because the other infantrymen were all talking about Banora before curfew. Apparently Banora was where Genesis and Angeal were from, and where “The brightest up and comer, Zack” had just been deployed.

He hadn't been as terrified as when Zack was sent to war. He had no idea what Banora was like or why he was sent out there alone if only to confirm that neither deserter had returned home. But what if they had?

He'd tossed and turned all night. He had wanted to go walk to clear his head, but since the desertions and the war ending Shinra had ramped up security in HQ with what troops they had left. There were always new people joining the company but it took time before they could be trained. 

The very next day Zack had already returned from Banora. There had been no press releases about the mission. It felt like the entire file had been covered up, as if the mission had never happened.

Then out of the blue, about a week later, the company closed the case on the deserters. He sighed when he read it, as if they'd believe it when no one else confirmed it.

\-------------------------------------  
Subject: Personnel Announcement 0103  
\-------------------------------------

From: Shinra News

This is an official notification of the change  
in status for the following personnel.

Angeal Hewley - SOLDIER 1st Class:  
Killed in action

Genesis Rhapsodos - SOLDIER 1st Class:  
Killed in action

\--

Cloud had almost jumped out of his own skin when his phone's alarm went off shortly after he'd read the email. He knew it was odd, because he knew he hadn't set one for himself. He'd been so caught up in thinking about why the K.I.A. announcements and why they came in so late. He had been wondering if it had anything to do with Banora being covered up, but when he saw his phone was going off because of a city-wide alert he almost dropped it.

Several people were looking at him with concern, most just wanted him to hurry up and turn the alarm off, but once he had he felt paralyzed by the silence that ensued. What should he do? If the city was under attack, should he return to help? 

The infantryman waited for orders, or for something to happen. He'd walked around the marketplace for good measure, if only to confirm that Aerith wasn't around before heading outside the wall. If the city was under attack, they might try to come through the slums too.

He'd stood guard and nothing but monsters came. It felt like something was calling them from all directions, like a beacon. Whatever was going on above the plate was serious. 

He unloaded clip after clip in to mutated beasts trying to get in to the market. He told anyone who crossed his path to get indoors somewhere, that there were 

“More monsters out than usual.”

He didn't tell them what the alert had been for, he didn't want anyone to panic. Most of the people who lived in the slums were so used to monsters they didn't bat an eye anymore, just did their best to out-run the things and let someone else take care of them.

All day that someone had been him. He was almost out of ammo and he sat leaning against the cold steel wall of the marketplace in exhaustion when he got another email. He practically gasped reading it. 

\-------------------------------------  
Subject: Personnel Announcement 0104  
\-------------------------------------

From: Shinra News

Official Personnel Announcement

Effective today, Zack Fair has been promoted to  
SOLDIER 1st Class

\--

Cloud shoved his phone back in to his pocket and sighed out of happiness for a change. At least Zack was being recognized for his hard work. He's made 1sts so quickly. Banora must have been something.

He stared out in to the distance, smiling and leaning against his rifle as he imagined Zack in an all-black uniform. Nothing as extravagant as Sephiroth. He just imagined him walking through the shadows, his dark hair failing to mask his Mako infused eyes.

Tall, and handsome, how was it possible to look so cute in a turtleneck. Wow. Black really did suit him. He looked troubled still, even though he was walking with Aerith.

He was really. Really walking towards the marketplace with Aerith leading the way. 1st Class SOLDIER Zack Fair was in the slums? Had the attacks on Midgar ended? Why was he with her?


	5. Unlikeliest meeting

Cloud watched motionless as the pair approach the marketplace. He barely even reacted when some monsters targeted them. He was exhausted, yes, but more than anything he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

He watched as the newly appointed 1st cut down the foes with a few quick slices, then proceed to turn back around to the young woman for praise. She didn't seem convinced he merited any.

Cloud realized he hadn't even tried to get up and back to his post in the presence of a 1st and his surprise was just as quickly replaced with panic.

He needed to move. He'd been too astounded by his beauty. Their beauty. Why where they together of all people? He hated himself for wanting to know more. He had no right, but there they were, and here he was, too afraid to walk away.

The infantryman pushed himself up with the help of his rifle, moving out of sight behind the nearest pile of rubble nearest to the entrance. There was a lot of trash from whatever people discarded from the plate above that fell down on the outskirts of unfinished sectors, which tended to accumulate near the marketplace.

He watched as Zack and Aerith made their way over but lingered at the entrance in silence. Zack looked around at the houses and some people making it past them for a moment before speaking up.

“It's kinda stuffy down here.”

Zack pointed out, hands on his hips, as if trying to get a feel for the place.

“Really?”

Aerith questioned back immediately.

“It's always like this, though.”

Cloud figured it really was Zack's first time down here, and that meant they must have just met today of all days. He couldn't understand why a 1st would be down here when there had just been an attack on the city. Didn't they need his help? Or were there deserters hiding out in the slums?

“I know what it is!”

Zack finally exclaimed, hitting his fist in to his palm and announcing.

“You can't see the sky.”

Cloud seriously starts doubting the man's attention to detail.

“Who wants to see the sky? I don't, that's for sure.”

She looked down while she responded. He could barely see her expression but her tone had changed. He had never imagined people could be afraid of the sky. He thought people wanted to leave the slums as often as they could to see it.

“Wouldn't you normally miss seeing the sky if you lived under a plate all year round?”

Zack asked the obvious question, almost too insistently. The dark haired man held his hands out besides himself, at a loss of how ridiculous it was not to miss the sky

“I guess I'm not normal.”

Aerith retorted in the same tone as before. Zack walked closer to her, as if he was concerned, but she didn't look up at him so he stopped and crossed his arms.

“You want to talk about it?”

Aerith looked up at the SOLDIER again and answered as simply as she could.

“The sky frightens me. I feel like it's sucking me in...”

Zack stared at her with his arms crossed, just as perplexed as before. She looked down again when she got no response back and added,

“Weird, huh?”

Zack seemed to be coming to terms with something before he raised a hand to rub the back of his head in defeat and admit,

“Normal is overrated.”

Aerith continued to stare at the ground.

“Think so?”

Zack hit the palm of his hand again in a far too sudden gesture of clarity and Cloud wished he'd stop doing that.

“I have an idea!”

Aerith didn't react, but he proceeded to explain,

“One day, I'll take you to see a beautiful sky, the real sky.”

She looked at him for just an instant before looking back down to the ground just as dejected as before.

“It's not frightening at all. I know you're gonna love it.”

Zack insisted and Aerith finally looked at him once again, holding his gaze for a few moments before nodding once firmly. Without another word they proceeded to enter the marketplace together.

Cloud stepped out from behind the discarded rubble as soon as the gates had closed behind the pair. He wished he could just leave already, but his shift wasn't over yet.

He felt awful he'd listened in on the pair. He still didn't know what Zack was doing down here. He wished he could help himself from eavesdropping any more than he already had. But he was stationed down here, he had to return to his post.

Zack hadn't really been sent down here by Shinra, had he? Perhaps he'd already taken care of the problem. That or he was just passing through, but then how did he just happen to run in to someone as special as her out of the blue?

Cloud sighed and looked up at the plate. They hadn't even met yet and he felt as though this was the end of the possibility entirely. How could he compete? But more importantly, how long had he been thinking about Zack that way.

He sighed again and decided not to think that through. He straightened his helmet and slung his rifle back over his shoulder before entering the market to make his rounds. It would still be a while until the next infantryman showed up to relieve him of his post and it was quiet enough outside the walls to go back in now.

He started walking around and kept an eye on the pair. They seemed to be running about frantically searching for something. Or someone? He overheard something about a pickpocket.

Cloud watched the scene unravel before him in disbelief. How could a SOLDIER 1st class get pick pocketed? He rubbed the back of his sore neck as he watched them go, questioning everyone around the marketplace as to the whereabouts of the culprit.

He had no idea where the kid in question had gone, or which kid it was in the first place. Even though the slums were dangerous, there were still quite a lot of families who lived out their lives down here.

He wondered what Aerith's family was like. Or Zack's. He was exhausted from the influx of monsters he'd had to deal with all day his thoughts roamed ceaselessly. He thought it would be best to avoid the two, besides he knew he needed to go back out and make sure more fiends hadn't made it in to the populated areas.

He was about to leave when Zack came right up to him. He was so surprised he forgot about the wallet. He just froze and practically shouted,

“Ah!? You're--”

Cloud took a step back from the SOLDIER who just stood there confused, and before he could respond anything the younger man muttered an excuse.

“Oh nothing, Sir. Just an Infantryman on patrol.”

Zack turned away without another word but Cloud could feel his heart pounding against his chest. Zack hadn't even gotten a word out and he'd panicked? What the hell was wrong with him? He got out of there as quickly as he could and headed down the path opposite from the church. He didn't want to run in to either of them again and feel whatever it was they were able to inflict on him.

He wished he understood how two beings so entirely different could cause him so much pain by meeting. He didn't know who he was jealous of more, her or him. All he knew was that he had no right to be jealous. He began to hate himself for it.

As he approached the deserted playground he saw monsters roaming about. He aimed his rifle and took them out. It had almost become a reflex. He hadn't even waited for his helmet's tracking system to lock on to the target.

Point and fire. Cloud sighed at the thought that he was getting used to this. He'd never felt worse in his life. How was it that he could be so happy for someone one instant and feel so incredibly sad the next, just because they're with someone unexpected.

She wasn't just any person though. There was something profoundly different about Aerith. He wondered if Zack's smile was just as powerful as her's, and if that's why they'd been fated to meet.

Cloud reasoned that he was exactly what either of them shouldn't be exposed to. Someone who smiled only when necessary, and most rarely for himself. It dawned on him then that when he'd read the email about Zack's promotion to 1st, that he hadn't really smiled in months.

He felt as if his face was actually sore from it now that he thought about it. He rubbed his jaw lazily, he couldn't tell what hurt exactly. He'd been in so much pain for so long, from the fighting, and training, and frankly he was starting to lose track.

He took out another enemy or two, clearing out the playground and moving on. He'd kept patrolling for so long he'd almost reached halfway through next sector before realizing that he needed to turn around.

By the time he'd circled back it looked like the rate of roaming monsters had decreased significantly. Even kids were running around again. He had to get back to his post before the next infantryman arrived.

Except Zack and Aerith where standing in the playground. He couldn't get past them without being seen, but more importantly he didn't want to interrupt whatever was going on.

It looked like something was wrong and he couldn't help but stare. Zack stood with his arms crossed, looking away, and Aerith looked upset again as well. His helmet allowed him to see easily from a distance, but it took some time for it to enhance sound on targets.

“I'm sorry.”

Aerith apologized for some reason and he watched as the pair stood in silence for a long time. Zack wasn't sure how to respond and she simply waited for a sign he'd accept her apology.

The SOLDIER lowered his arms at first to consolidate her apology before scratching the back of his head. It looked like he was struggling with what had just happened but he was quick to respond when she changed the subject.

“So pretty...”

Cloud sighed to himself (Girl, I know.) But Zack gleefully pointed to himself in response.

“The face?”

She laughed, but kindly corrected,

“The eyes.”

Zack walked over to her, happy to indulge.

“You like them? Then take a closer look.”

He stood a few feet away from her and leaned in so she could take a good look at his eyes. Cloud really wished he hadn't stopped to watch the pair again. Was that guy really this full of himself?

“Eyes infused with Mako energy. A SOLDIER trademark.”

Aerith took the opportunity to examine them. The closer she leaned the wider Zack smiled and she eventually pulled back, giving him a slight shove.

“Oh, you!”

Cloud was confused. Zack was amused, laughing innocently at her reaction to finding out something so pretty could be SOLIDER-made. Even his laugh was beautiful.

“Color of the sky, right?”

She looked up at him again and nodded with a smile.

“Mm-hmm. But not scary at all.”

“I'll admit it, things haven't been normal at all lately.”

Zack turned as he spoke before pausing and looking back at her.

“What about you Aerith, how's your life going?”

She mimicked him, turning her back to him as she spoke.

“I was thinking it would be a normal day, but then suddenly... Some guy fell out of the sky.”

Zack shrugged, joking about it.

“That's not all that bad.”

“Mm-hmm.”

Cloud watched as Aerith agreed and smiled at the SOLDIER. He just. Fell? From the plate above? How? He survived a 50ft drop? He'd actually fallen down all the way from Midgar in the unlikeliest event of meeting her. He thought that this was how things were supposed to be after all. Zack was supposed to meet someone like her, not him. And she was supposed to meet someone like Zack, not him either. He was still some mixed up kid obsessed with heroes from his childhood.

When the SOLDIER's phone rang, the volume on his audio augmentation spiked and he cringed at the pain, kneeling down to try to collect himself. His heart was racing from the shock of being reminded of what he was doing in the first place. Eavesdropping again.

“I'm on my way.”

With that Zack ended the call as suddenly as it had started, turning to Aerith to explain.

“I'm sorry, but duty calls.”

“I hope you're friend's okay, Zack.”

“Huh?”

“You talk in your sleep.”

Aerith explained her sudden statement, but the look on Zack's face seemed so conflicted. Cloud couldn't be certain what was going on, he only assume she meant Angeal. He'd seen the same look on Zack's face when he'd first returned from the war.

“Yeah, it'll be fine. I know that now.”

The SOLDIER put on a brave face for her, but Cloud wasn't so sure he really believed what he'd just said. He watched as the young woman departed and Zack seemed disoriented for a moment, looking around as if he wasn't sure which direction to go in before heading back towards the marketplace.

Cloud waited a long time before heading back. He assumed Zack would be heading back to Midgar and he couldn't even think about boarding the same train as him. He still couldn't believe the man was alive after falling from so high. He wondered to what extent Shinra really experimented on SOLIDER operatives.

He couldn't help but feel as though he was lucky that despite whatever the company had done to the other man, it had allowed him to survive the drop down to the slums. Except, he wondered why he felt lucky at all when it was painfully obvious that fate had no intention of bringing them together. Fate had chose to send Zack to Aerith instead.


	6. A city torn asunder

When Cloud returned to the marketplace there was no one waiting to relieve him of his post. He hadn't been able to help himself from wandering over to the train station just to see that Zack had already departed either.

He stood on the empty platform and felt more alone than he had since he'd first arrived in Midgar. Hadn't he wanted to avoid seeing the SOLDIER again? He didn't understand why he had come to check that the train had left without him.

Cloud returned to the marketplace and attempted to purchase more ammo. The vendor initially refused to sell to him, but after he'd explained he was almost out of ammo and showed the man his two remaining bullets the vendor agreed to the transaction.

He was trying to shake off the sinking feeling of dying down here that the vendor's initial refusal had offered him. He was so shaken that he'd felt obligated to go on one last patrol instead of just waiting.

It had gotten dark out. Well, darker. Most of the slums were always lit up by bright lights or neon signs except remote paths that residents didn't cross after nightfall. 

Cloud strayed from his route. He couldn't understand why he had just purchased more ammo using his personal funds when the company probably wouldn't reimburse him. Or why he was still down here when there was obviously something serious happening up above.

He would periodically receive alerts through his helmet's advanced combat sensory system when a threat was detected. He aimed with more care before firing. He had a limited number of expensive bullets after all.

He was trying to take the monsters down as efficiently as possible with what he had left through some remote desire to keep the Slums safe. He was getting too sluggish to respond to so many threats that seemed to be making their way further into the core of the slums in the darkness.

He'd steadily been pushed back down the path he'd strayed on. He could see the gate of the Marketplace again and tried to hurry back to it. 

He fell from exhaustion. Hitting the ground only to try to push himself back up from fear of being caught up to. Fiends approached but he felt the weight of a large boot on his back pining him down.

He started to panic. There was no one else out there, he was sure of it, he was sure it was only more fiends. He took out the knife in his holster and tried to get whoever had been holding him down with one decisive swipe.

He swung hard and in the process of turning around and realizing he'd been right about being alone he questioned if the hoard of fiends approaching were real or if he just felt them too somehow.

He'd never seen so many in his life and he couldn't expect to fight them all. Something had definitely made them all come to Midgar and he didn't want to find out what.

He realized that whatever was going on up top had him too afraid to return to the city. It hadn't just been protocol, or the fact that seeing Zack unexpectedly had been terribly distracting. He hadn't wanted to return since he'd gotten the alert in the first place.

He concluded the fastest way to find out if he was really hallucinating would be to let the fiends reach him, but by the time he'd rationalized that that was an awful idea a large mutated wolf-like creature attempted to bite his neck and he hardly dodged in time.

Teeth collided with his shoulder plate and managed to snag him from underneath. The impact knocked him to the ground and the next thing he knew the fiend slashed at his head with it's oversized claws. 

Much like the initial attack, Cloud didn't see the claws coming as he tried to push himself off the ground. The shock to his head sent his helmet flying and slammed him right back down.

He'd cried out from the deep gashes the claws had sliced up his back in the attempt to decapitate him. His shoulder had giant teeth marks carved in and the cuts on his back reached up the base of his neck and he couldn't help but cry. He couldn't feel anything else but the blood escaping him. He'd lost his knife in the attack and he struggled to get a hold of his rifle tightly enough to reorient himself.

He shot. He could barely tell how many bullets over the sound of the gate opening up behind him. He looked at how many fiends there were approaching before looking back at the gate to see who had opened it. He only prayed it wasn't Aerith.

“Shit!”

The man who'd opened the gate exclaimed, he was terrified. Maybe he hadn't imagined all those fiends after all. Shit. The fiends.

“Get in!”

The man urged Cloud to move but soon realized he was bleeding heavily and barely able to move. He ran out and pulled Cloud's right arm over his shoulder, hurrying him inside just in time for someone else to shut the gate behind them.

The sound of several monsters attempting to take down the gate in pursuit refrained conversation. The man dropped him against a shack where there was light and said something about a medical kit before vanishing.

Cloud was bleeding out and no one else dared approach him. He closed his eyes and tried to keep breathing, he didn't know what to do, he could barely tell what his own injuries were.

It was hours until another infantryman arrived in the slums to replace him. The man who had saved him had patched up the deep wounds on his back and left shoulder even though Cloud couldn't recall it happening.

Once the bandages had stopped the bleeding and he'd been able to drink a few potions he could stand again. The news that the other infantryman delivered of the city's current state only made him want to collapse again.

He hesitantly boarded the empty train back to Midgar after warning the other infantryman not to go outside the gate until sunrise. He worried for the entire trip back up to the plate that the slums might get overrun with fiends at that rate. He hoped whatever had been attracting them was gone. 

He was told to report to the Med Bay as soon as he arrived in HQ but it took everything he had not to black out on the train. He was in so much pain from his wounds he barely felt his motion sickness. So much so that it made him feel like he'd cease to exist any second as if his tolerance was tied to his life.

The sight of the city is what really outdid him. He'd never seen Midgar sustain that kind of damage before. They were still carrying bodies away through the streets when he dredged himself back to HQ. He couldn't pass out. He refused to be another burden on an already suffering city.

By the time he got to the Med Bay he was too shocked from his own injuries and the sight of all the people unjustly attacked lining every cot they had. The staff processed him but he couldn't say a thing. 

They were overburdened and barely registered that he was bleeding until they tried to take his pressure and noticed his uniform was soaked in blood. They changed his bandages in a rush and ran a few test simultaneously before clearing him for duty.

Cloud didn't think he'd make it back to his unit's quarters. He barely registered what he was doing until the relief of reaching the threshold was hollowed when he saw no one around.

He sat in silence for a long time. His exhaustion managed to replace itself with grief even though he didn't believe that his entire unit had been compromised. He reasoned that even if it was after curfew that at least a few of them were working or back in medical getting patched up. He couldn't be the only one to have survived.

He didn't remember falling asleep but the next thing he knew he was being shaken violently.

“Hey! I said wake up!”

The pain from his injuries kindly alerted him of the infantryman insisting on waking him.

“Where were you?”

“What?”

Cloud managed his question steadily despite how tightly his jaw was clenched from the pain. It felt like all the gashes scattered across his body had been reopened, so much that the pain traveled through his skin as if it were wildfire.

“Where were you during the attack?”

“On patrol. The Slums.”

The other man looked like it took him a while to remember at what time the first attack began and to understand that the blond had been on patrol that entire time before baking away.

“Lucky.”

“Huh?”

Cloud winced, holding back a groan from trying to sit up too quickly before he managed to look up at the other man. Cloud couldn't remember ever having an actual conversation with him, but he'd been around one of the longest. His name was Evan Greene.

Greene seemed just as displeased with him as when he'd abruptly woken him up in the first place. It was apparent that the man hadn't slept and had probably spent all night helping the wounded or cleaning up HQ.

“You should of come back. Didn't you get the alert down there?”

“I'm sorry.”

“Are you?”

Cloud couldn't find an answer. He felt he should have returned as soon as he'd gotten the alert. He couldn't remember why he hadn't. All he could think of was Zack and he felt even worse for not having returned from picturing his smile.

The other infantryman looked at him with disgust and anger, he looked like he had more to say but Cloud couldn't meet his eyes and so the other man sighed and walked out without another word.

It was past morning training and Cloud was confused, but at least Greene had proven that at someone from his unit had made it besides him. Assuming that the lack of assembly meant training was cancelled he decided to head down to the training facilities anyways to use the showers. 

Peeling off his bandages to inspect his wounds had been excruciating. He'd never been cut or stabbed that deep before by anything and it felt like the bloody gauges were tearing their way deeper past his muscles to his organs to shred him apart from the inside.

He could barely look at anyone. He didn't want to engage. Several men were talking about Genesis and the deserters and their attack on HQ. He overheard that the entire Security system had been hacked and that all the bots around the city had killed hundreds of civilians in only a few hours before the system was reset.

Everything about showering that morning had been excruciating. All he could do was listen to the devastating details of what had happened in Midgar and be reminded how close he had come to dying himself. Never mind that traitor Genesis, he could get himself killed all on his own by second-rate fiends.

He hated showering in the first place. More accurately, he hated the process of doing it in front of others. He never had before being hired here and he'd gotten in to the habit of picking odd hours to do so. The rest of the time he avoided looking at anyone else too closely.

He'd never been compelled to look at anyone the way he'd fixated on Zack before. He felt his heart in his throat and he had to force the image of the man showering from his mind urgently.

Men here didn't have any reservations showering together. Nibelheim may have been far more conservative in that regard. Or maybe it had just been his impression of things.

Cloud grit his teeth from the pain as the water washed away the dried blood that had crusted over the gashes in his skin. The contact of the hot water and his fresh wounds was too much and he could barely stand.

He leaned his sore head against the shower wall and watched until the blood dissipated. He was in too much pain to wash his hair and so he gave up on the entire ordeal, simply rinsing the blood from it before turning the water off and wondering if the potions he'd been drinking were starting to lose their effect on him. 

He wrapped a towel around his waist and made his way back to his locker with considerable difficulty. The water dripping from his long blond hair down his shoulders and back made his wounds sting and he desperately wanted to patch them back up.

He'd managed to fish out disinfectant and bandages from his locker and sat down on the nearest bench to attempt to steady his breathing. Any movement he made was difficult, pulling at his wounds that had already started to bleed again. 

Cloud put the supplies down and slowly started pulling his hair over his right shoulder before it could get coated in blood again. He shivered as blood slowly started to drip down his skin as he tried to steady himself. 

“I didn't know they let women in to the infantry now. Is that why we got wrecked by those deserters?”

One of the men changing back in to his uniform nearby had stopped what he was doing and was looking down at him with great disgust. Cloud let go of his hair almost immediately from the remark and wondered when the last time he'd been called a girl had been.

“Why are you even still here? You can't do anything for Shinra. You must be used to the slums by now. With a face like that why don't you ask the Don for a job instead?”

Cloud cringed the more the man kept talking to him. He thought he should be concerned as to why the man knew who he was, he didn't recognize the other man, but all he felt in response was anger.

Anyone who knew about the slums knew about Don Corneo and he hated to think of what the other infantryman had just been suggesting he do instead of serving the company.

He didn't understand why the man hated women so much. Women weren't hired in the infantry, but they worked in every other department, including with the Turks. He didn't care if his long hair made him look feminine. He'd always had long hair as far as he could remember. 

Several top ranking SOLDIER, including the great Sephiroth, had hair more than twice as long as his and yet something was wrong with him because he was too feminine and they weren't?

He still hadn't thought of anything to say to end this quagmire. Meanwhile, several other infantrymen were now agreeing that from the side he did look too much like a woman.

“I asked you a question you stupid faggot.”

Cloud had been staring at the ground since the mention of the Don. It was easier than looking at the faces of everyone inspecting him as if he didn't belong. He had always been made out to feel different.

He felt a hang brush past his cheek and across his neck before he felt his hair suddenly get pulled up in to a fist that raised him from the bench to face the other man. He didn't know his name, but he looked more pleased with himself than angry at him anymore at how easily he could manipulate his body.

Cloud grit his teeth and tried not to cry out at how much it hurt being held up by his hair on top of how much his wounds stung from being jerked up. The sudden motion had managed to tear several of the gashes along his shoulder and neck open again.

He knew it wouldn't make much of a difference at this point even if he did lament, yet he grit his teeth harder and remained silent. He expected to get hit next, this is how things usually went when someone singled him out for no reason.

Nothing he said ever helped when things went this far. He learned that unless he mitigated the assault before anyone made contact with him, the rest was impossible to avoid.

Cloud looked back up at the man who was gripping his hair and he couldn't tell what was happening anymore. He was increasingly disoriented from the pain and could barely stand.

“How did you get those?”

The other infantryman's tone had changed as soon as he'd seen the extent of his wounds up close. They were used to gunshot wounds or the occasional stabbing. But only those that worked in the slums saw what kind of damage fiends could inflict.

“Fiends.”

Cloud answered coldly. He saw the other men come closer just to see the depth of his wounds for themselves. He flinched when he saw them advance, he hated getting surrounded.

The only reason anyone ever surrounded him that way was to beat him. He tried to get the man to let go of his hair but his grip was too tight and he easily twisted him around so that the other men could see his body.

“Are you that creep they sentenced to the Slums for harassing SOLDIER?”

“What?”

“He is.”

“The stalker?”

A few were confused, but others chimed in to confirm the first man's suspicions. They were right. He was “that” creep that had been reported eavesdropping on the SOLDIER floor. He was “that” creep who had been eavesdropping on Zack again just last night.

“No wonder they sent him to the slums.”

The other men seemed more than willing to go in to detail about how the company should of dealt with him in the first place and how they wanted to deal with him right now.

“Is that why you're growing your hair out, because you want to be like your idol? You just couldn't help stalking him either?”

The man pulled on his hair harder, practically lifting him up from the ground. Could cried out. He couldn't help but struggle from the pain, trying to pry the man's hand from his hair but lacked the strength to.

“Are you really trying to be like him? You just look like a little bitch.”

“Sephiroth isn't some faggot like you, you sick fuck.”

“Actually, I don't know. I heard that no one's been able to fuck Sephiroth. Man or woman. Even the hottest bitches in accounting tried. It's like he doesn't care at all.”

“What??”

“Yeah like all these people have been competing over him and none of them have proof they've gotten any and keep fighting about it.”

“Are you kidding?”

“Wait, which guys?”

“Someone hand me a knife.”

Cloud stiffened at the order the man who held him up had given the rest of the gossiping men who'd fallen silent from the demand. He felt his knees give out and slid down only enough for the man to pull him back up harder. He hated the idea of his career at Shinra ending in such a pitiful way. 

Why the man requesting the knife was so offended by his appearance escaped him. He reasoned that maybe getting his throat slit in the showers would be better than suffering through whatever any of them had left to say to him, and especially anything they had left to say about Sephiroth.

“You'll need to buy a wig if you still want to work for the Don.”

The man placed the cold knife against the nape of his neck as soon as it had been handed to him. The cold metal against his skin had only reminded him how much his body burned. He looked at the ground and saw small drops fall at random as his wounds continued to ooze blood down his shivering body. 

Cloud felt the hand holding him up loosen for only a moment before it twisted all his hair around once and then tightly in to a fist. He felt the blade pull up sharply, slicing his hair off in one fluid motion.

As soon as his hair had been forcibly removed the sudden absence of restraint permitted him to fall to the ground. He braced his fall poorly and continued to stare at the ground, watching as his blood mixed with his discarded hair.

Cloud cried out when the same strong hand grabbed the top of his head, threatening to pull him back up, gripping what was left of his hair. 

“Now that you don't look like a such a bitch anymore you should stop acting like one.”

Cloud struggled against him again, he was getting desperate. The man was trying to pull him back up but he didn't have the strength to stand anymore, he was shaking from the sight of the knife he still held in his other hand.

He'd thought he'd wanted to get it over with. He couldn't explain the amount of panic that he felt when the man tried to take control of him again. 

“Attention all Security personnel. All those not currently on duty report in for new assignments immediately.”

The men had gone silent as soon as the voice through company-wide speakers had blared out the order. It had sounded rushed, and unfamiliar, but he hadn't more time to register the interruption before the man who was still gripping his hair shoved him to the ground in response.

“Clean yourself up. You're lucky some of us have real work to do. Quit while you're ahead, Strife.”

The infantryman practically sneered at him before handing the knife back to the man who'd volunteered it. He listened to their footsteps as they got their gear and left. To try to remain conscious he forced himself to bandage his wounds.

He reached for the scattered medical supplies and painstakingly disinfected his wounds, leaning against the bench for support. He thought he'd pass out several more times before the pain subsided enough for him to stand again. 

After several more potions Cloud was convinced that their effects were practically null. He forced himself to clean up the hair and blood coating the ground next. He was thankful no one else had wandered in since the orders had come down and he managed to clean up most of the mess. The last thing he wanted were people finding out about what happened that morning.

He knew it was inevitable that people would find out. Just like it was inevitable that those men had heard about why he'd gotten re-assigned to the slums. He just didn't want anyone to see how much he'd suffered.

The sudden mounting pressure at the back of his head and lack of equilibrium reminded him that he was getting better at feeling himself fainting coming and forcing himself to stay conscious. He felt so dizzy he'd had to kneel down again but he managed to steady himself. 

He ran both his hands through his hair, holding his head as if to stop the room from spinning forcefully. He thought it might before feeling just how short his hair had been cut. The sensation of jagged edges of uneven blond strands at his fingertips made him feel sick. 

He didn't understand how he could be more upset by this than the physical injuries he'd received on multiple occasions in the past. It would grow back. 

Either way, he wasn't going to do anything about it. He didn't care what his hair looked like, and he wasn't about to pay someone to fix it. What would he tell them in the first place? He'd rather let it fix itself.

He wanted to get out of there. He'd suffered enough in these facilities. He never seemed to be able to avoid conflict. It didn't matter if it was on the field, or in here, or anywhere. People found reasons to resent him.

He pulled himself up and begrudgingly put a fresh uniform on. He touched the back of his head again, having his hair so short was unnerving and he still didn't understand why. 

He pulled his hand away and tried to ignore it. Focusing on getting out so he took his prescriptions instead. He put his helmet on and reported in late for reassignment. 

Cloud nervously tucked one of the longer strands of blond hair he had left over his ear under his helmet over and over again. He wished he could leave it alone but it kept coming lose every time he looked at the ground now that he couldn't just tie it back. 

The Security division seemed overburdened and anxious about the recent attacks. They explained to him with little tact how they wished they could respect his former, now deceased, captain's orders and keep him in the slums but that they needed him up top. At least until the next hiring campaign.

He was to begin a new rotation back in HQ under a new unit. He was instructed which and that his things would be moved by the end of the day. He didn't contest.


	7. Inhuman obsessions

Days dragged on painfully as Midgar recovered. All the employees were putting in overtime to get operations back on track and the mood around HQ was worse than ever. 

Cloud's wounds weren't healing as fast as they should have even though he tended to them regularly. He convinced himself he was imagining things if only to avoid returning to the Med Bay. 

He still felt so guilty about not being there during the attack despite the certainty that he'd of only been another casualties. He'd been thinking about the damages to the city, and to HQ since that night. He couldn't get the sight of the city on fire out of his mind. 

He wished there could of been something he could do to help. He could have returned or he could of at least reminded Zack about the city-wide alert in hopes that he'd of returned sooner. 

Many employees and citizens died in the attacks. Those that had been on duty in HQ mostly, but some in the city who where at the wrong place at the wrong time as well. Shinra wasn't releasing any numbers.

Cloud had been avoiding everyone he could. He didn't know anyone in his new unit and kept any interactions to a minimum. He still couldn't sleep much and managed to hate his new bunk more than the last.

He was down in the data room after morning training again. He continued to fill all of his spare time with studying in between figuring out which prescription he'd taken last.

He heard that the science department had taken the most damage in HQ. He didn't want to know what was going on in there or why they'd been targeted. Then again, he was starting to worry more about what was going on in Medical.

He didn't want to hear another civilian beg him or anyone else working for Shinra to release reports of the deceased. They just wanted to know if their family was still alive and the company was outright ignoring them. 

He'd found out that the company had ordered that the debris be carried off only as soon as everyone, alive or dead, had been sent through Medical for clearance first. 

He thought he'd been told to go through because of his injuries, but it seemed to have been a quarantine. He was too afraid to wonder how many had really died and how many were still being held in the Med Bay. 

The next thing he knew, heavy boots had entered the data room and ordered plainly.

“Everyone get out.”

Cloud stopped breathing. Only one other employee had been in the room with him storing files on a shelf. She spoke up only after great hesitation at the sight of the 1st Class SOLDIER Sephiroth.

“I haven't finished returning these files to-”

Sephiroth dismissed her just as plainly as his initial order.

“It isn't important. Get out.”

“My apologies.”

The woman had finally summoned the will to excuse herself. Abandoning the cart of unsorted materials she walked past the towering silver-haired man and practically ran out of the room. 

Cloud had piled all his books and his helmet in to his arms and hesitantly followed. He watched Sephiroth standing in the middle of the data room eyeing the rows of sorted files as if they were his greatest enemy as he waited for the space to be vacated. 

He slowly stepped backwards towards the door, watching the 1st closely as he tried to leave without a sound. Sephiroth never turned to look at him. 

Cloud felt a body collide with him as soon as he'd backed out of the doorway blindly. He'd lost his balance and knocked whoever had intended to enter down with him in the process.

His books and helmet were scattered across the hallway and he could only look up at the sound of the data room's locking mechanism being engaged. The security bolts slammed into the frame and the light above the door changed color when an alarming notification went off. 

Cloud immediately looked back to see who he'd knocked over in the first place and was terrified to see that it was another SOLDIER member.

“Did Sephiroth just lock himself in there?”

“Uh...”

Cloud looked back at the door, then back at the man. He still couldn't move or answer. The SOLDIER sighed and stood up, looking around them at the mess of books. 

He saw the man was trying to figure out what all the books were for, but Cloud started collecting his scattered possessions as quickly as he could. 

He noticed a cellphone on the ground that wasn't his. It displayed a floorplan of their current location and two blinking icons. It looked like a tracking system. 

Cloud pretended not to see it and reached for another one of his books instead. The SOLDIER retrieved his phone and shut it off before offering him a hand up.

“You should watch where you're going next time.”

He was so surprised by the SOLDIER's gentle tone he hesitated when taking his hand. The other man simply pulled him up to his feet in response.

“Then again, I know how hard it is not to stare at him. I used to too, you know.”

Cloud felt his face redden, giving the man a look of complete disbelief. He wanted to call the man out on his bullshit; That the only reason he knew it was Sephiroth in there was because he'd tracked him here.

He couldn't believe that he'd just knocked a SOLDIER to the ground and that his response was to joke about having had some sort of fixation on the great Sephiroth in the past himself?

“Oh.. Don't take it that way. Hell, half the company still looks at him like that too.”

The man laughed lightly but Cloud still didn't know how to react. He was offended that he was being compared to all the great hero's obsessive fans. He couldn't believe a SOLDIER could be this unprofessional in the first place.

The blond glanced away as if checking which way was the shortest distance to leave before noticing his helmet was still on the ground. The man watched his incredible apprehension and picked up the stray helmet from the ground before he could with his arms full of books. 

“So anyways, why -were- you in the data room with a 1st?”

The SOLDIER had stopped smiling after that question and Cloud felt a mix of fear and embarrassment that threatened to spill the contents of his stomach out instead of a valid answer.

He lowered his head and averted his eyes. He had no way of getting his helmet back to hide his face now and he couldn't bear to let the other man see right through him like this. 

“I wasn't -with- him. Sephiroth just-”

Cloud was surprised by how angry his response had been before being unable to continue his train of thought after speaking the hero's name. The SOLDIER sighed impatiently at him before attempting to check the video log on the stray helmet instead. 

He knew there was nothing the man could see except the obvious. The shaky view from the helmet he'd stacked on his books as he'd attempted to leave the room quietly and failed when they'd collided outside the doorway. 

Cloud didn't understand why it was so hard for him to answer the SOLDIER's question. He blamed the man's tone but he knew it was what he was insinuating. He spoke up with great effort.

“I was studying. Sephiroth told everyone to get out. He said it was important.”

The SOLDIER smiled again, turning off the video feed of exactly what the infantryman had just affirmed, and approached him.

“See. Was that so hard?”

The SOLDIER's tone became increasingly juvenile. Cloud held his books tighter in response and only managed to back up a step before realizing the door to the data room was right behind him.

“Are you studying to get in to SOLDIER because of him?”

“No.”

Cloud wasn't certain he'd lied. Either way, he knew he certainly looked like he was lying with the way he felt his face continue to burn up. 

He stared away, anywhere but at the man who was standing too close for comfort. He knew he was still here because of a SOLDIER, just not that one anymore.

“I mean, it's as good a reason as any. But just a word of advice; No one knows what that man's in to. And besides, I have my eye on someone else these days. I'm sure you've noticed our newest 1st too, haven't you?”

Cloud flinched and looked at the man out of sheer surprise before forcing himself to look away again. He could only be talking about Zack. After another long silence the SOLDIER finally gave up on gossiping and took a step back. 

“Anyways, I was just down here because I had to get Sephiroth to sign off on something. Unfortunately, it looks like he'll be in there a while.”

The SOLDIER sighed when Cloud remained silent and shook his head dejectedly before handing the blond his helmet back.

“I'm Luxiere by the way. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone that I saw the two of you together.”

“We weren't.”

Cloud answered bitterly. He accepted his helmet and walked away without another word. He could hear the other man mumble something back at him out of frustration before giving up and banging on the data room door instead. 

He didn't care if he got reported again. There were cameras all over. He wasn't afraid of that, he was only afraid of what the man had been trying to discuss from the start.

He was so angry for no other reason than that he'd subjected him to the irony that it was safe to be gay and out as long as you were strong and successful. 

He knew the man hadn't actually suggested anything of the sort. He didn't even know anything about him except that he was a 2nd, and that he was obviously yet another person better suited for Zack than he was.

He couldn't stop thinking about his run-in with Sephiroth and Luxiere all day. It was another endless patrol shift through the lower levels of HQ that night and he couldn't get them off his mind. 

People were angrier than ever that anyone would still defy Shinra. And even angrier about how long the repairs around the city were taking. Shinra had always given priority to some sectors over others, but it was more obvious than ever during the aftermath.

There was an aggressive hiring campaign in motion across all departments to fill the positions of all the missing and deceased. They wanted more people to join SOLDIER especially.

They had even moved up the date to the next entrance exam exceptionally for the campaign. Despite studying every day and keeping up with training he knew he still had no hope of passing the exam.

He couldn't sleep that night either. He only returned to his new unit's quarters moments before curfew in an attempt to avoid any small talk. It was something he'd gotten good at doing. 

He stared at the bottom of the bunk above him for hours on end. He went over what he would do if he ever quit the company for the hundredth time, even though he knew he'd never have the courage to go through with it.

He hated that he always ended up thinking about the same things. He couldn't focus clearly on anything, it felt as though his mind simply replayed the same problems back to him until he could finally keep his eyes shut long enough to fall asleep.

Unfortunately, his subconscious wasn't any better. Here he was looking out at the city, sitting in the passenger seat of the same convertible he'd been subjected to for weeks now.

He sighed in his own dream and turned to look at Zack lazily. He was exhausted by the certainly that they would crash again. He didn't understand the point of the ordeal and why he hadn't managed to change it.

When he looked ahead again he noticed momentary flashes of writing on the pavement disappear beneath them as they sped down the endless highway. 

Cloud leaned forward in surprise and tried to read what had been painted on the road. Despite their speed he could clearly see that they were large words in all capitals: CAUTION / TURN BACK / DANGER / YOU WILL DIE

He held on to the edge of the windshield to brace himself for the impending crash. His heart was racing from the warnings Zack was blissfully ignoring.

He stared out ahead for a solution but all he could see in the distance was Sephiroth walking straight towards them. He didn't have his sword, nor was he wearing any armor.

The tall man was stripped from the waist up and seemed to look right past them despite their inevitable encounter. Zack continued to stare straight ahead as well, ever accelerating towards the other SOLDIER. 

Cloud reached out with both hands to pull the steering-wheel sharply in an attempt to spare the man from their ill fate but he wasn't able to budge it from Zack's grip.

As soon as he'd realized he wasn't able to dissuade Zack the heard the sound of boots landing on the hood of the car and he looked up in shock.

The great hero towered over them and he couldn't believe that the dream had actually changed course. He let go of the steering-wheel and watched as Sephiroth knelt down and leaned over the windshield towards them.

“Do you wish to revolutionize the world?”

Cloud watched the man's long silver hair flow through the air above them, his pale eyes fixed on his and he couldn't answer. He'd leaned all the way back in his seat in a futile attempt to get as far away as possible. When he failed to answer, Zack did.

“I do.”

Sephiroth offered the other SOLDIER his hand and Zack took it without hesitation. As soon as they made contact Sephiroth pulled him up and Zack gave up control of the car just as easily.

As soon as the two men had embraced on the hood of the convertible they crashed and Cloud bolted awake. Cold sweat dripped down his face and his heart raced. He tried to sit up to breathe properly but his wounds stung when he tried to move too quickly, only managing to turn on his side.

He didn't understand why he kept having that dream, or what had just happened at all. He was terrified, but even more so he was aroused. 

He didn't want to know what a typical wet dream was supposed to be like, but he was convinced that they didn't end in car crashes. He groaned from exasperation when he saw the time. Morning training was going to be hell.

The sight of Sephiroth crawling over the hood of that convertible shirtless had plagued him for days. Every day after training he went back up to the data room only to find it still sealed.

He thought it had been strange the first morning, but every day that followed made him feel worse. Was he alright? He had to be, there were cameras. They would override the lock if something was wrong, he was sure of it.

So then how was it humanly possible for him to stay in there for so long? He must have emerged at some point, but by the 5th day rumors circulated that he hadn't, nor had he consumed anything during the entire period, and he feared they were true.

It had been over a week and he didn't care if it was true and the man wasn't human, he just wanted to know if he was okay. Rumors continued to circulate wildly that he was reading through every experiment the science department had ever recorded. 

No one could piece together why. But people just as soon stopped talking about it all after finding out that the security personnel who had been screening the camera feeds and leaking information had been fired for talking about the man's sudden isolation.

The silence that followed on the matter made Cloud more anxious than ever. It was late one night after his patrol shift and he was on his way back to his quarters when he got a text.

\----------------------------------  
Subject: Analysis of the Midgar Attacks  
\----------------------------------

From: Shinra News

The recent attacks came in two stages. The first stage was the attack on headquarters and the entire Midgar region. Our forces were dispersed to respond to these initial attacks. The second stage consisted of additional attacks on headquarters as we attempted to recover. Although the damage dealt was costly, its overall impact on company operations is minimal. 

\- Heidegger, Director of Security.

\--

He raised an eyebrow. He wondered why the report had been issued so late, if at all, when they hadn't released any actual information. It was typical of Heidegger to talk only about money.

Of course he didn't care about all the lives lost in the attacks. Minimal. That's what he thought of all those people. Out of all the disgusting people that worked at Shinra, that man was the most hated unanimously.

His phone started ringing while it was still in his hand and he jumped. He'd almost dropped it before he could steady his hands enough to read the display. It was a blocked number. 

“Hello?”

“Cloud Strife of Infantry Unit 36?”

“Yes.”

“Report to the rooftop immediately. You've been assigned to a mission with 1st class SOLDIER Zack Fair.”

“...”

Cloud hadn't know what to say. He hadn't had a chance to say anything, the other man had hung up as soon as he'd given him his orders. 

He tried to remember protocol. He'd never been assigned personally to anything like this. He'd never even worked with SOLDIER before. 

His first real mission and it had to be with Zack of all people? His heart was racing, he felt faint. He started panicking. Did he need to go get his gear? No. He was already in gear from his shift.

He couldn't do this. But if he didn't get up there soon they would depart without him. He ran to the elevator and hit the up button as hard as he could.

He got in and swiped his card for the top floor. Clearance had been authorized and he ascended in complete terror. When he got out to the rooftop he saw only one infantryman waiting.

"Strife?" 

"Yeah." 

"I'm Smith. Unit 15. I've been assigned to pilot us to Modeoheim." 

"Modeoheim?" 

"Look, we have to hurry up. I just got the call and we need to go pick up that new SOLDIER." 

Cloud was baffled. He followed the other man to the lone helicopter. He didn't understand why Zack hadn't reported in for the mission directly, or where everyone else was. How could they be the only two assisting a 1st?


	8. Modeoheim part 1

Cloud held on to whatever he could when they descended beneath the plate and headed for Sector 5. He could feel his stomach start to turn and tried to focus on his breathing.

He could hardly focus on anything but the pain pooling in his chest that only seemed to increase by the minute. He stared out the window at all the shocked people that were gawking up at the machine.

He thought he'd of been happier that he was about to meet Shinra's newest 1st. Instead he felt as though his lungs would seize at any moment or that he would throw up. He was going to make a fool of himself in front of Zack. 

It was too late to turn back now. The helicopter landed in front of the old church where Zack and a man in a black suit were standing. Flying under the plate had been nerve-wracking on it's own, but watching the man order Zack in to the Helicopter suddenly seemed worse.

Cloud looked on silently. He couldn’t hear anything over the helicopter. He had the impression that the entire mission had been rushed. Zack hadn’t reported in for it just so he could see Aerith again?

He was usually afraid to go on any missions at all, but the thought that Zack might have wanted to warn her he might not come back terrified him further.

Zack didn’t seem thrilled at all. He watched the 1st begrudgingly follow the mysterious man back to the helicopter. As soon as they set foot inside the pilot took off and Zack was still groaning in discontent as he buckled in.

“Whaaaatever.” 

The other man has already strapped in to his seat and neatly ignored the SOLDIER's complaints. Cloud glanced back at Zack tensely, watching him mumble to himself out of frustration looking out the window as they left Midgar.

It wasn't any of his business and he had no place saying anything about it. He especially didn't want to talk about the mission. The more he knew the more he'd have to fear, but he ended up looking over at the man in the black suit anyways.

“Tseng of the Turks. We're en route to Modeoheim. I'll explain more when we get there.”

He recognized the man's voice from the phone call and nodded once in response to the brief introduction. He felt himself start to panic again. He'd been assigned to a mission with a 1st and a Turk? This couldn't be real. 

He looked at the floor of the helicopter to try to calm down. He knew he couldn't be hallucinating all of this. He'd felt he'd only looked away from the two men for an instant, but when his eyes strayed back over to Zack he'd already fallen asleep. 

Cloud's fears were immediately interrupted. He could barely believe that the rumours were true. He did sleep on the way to every mission? He looked at Tseng in an instant of disbelief, but Tseng hadn't acknowledged it at all. He assumed they'd worked together before.

He bit his lip when he caught himself staring at Zack leaning back in his seat and head lulled to the side fast asleep. He'd forced himself to stare outside at actual clouds for hours and he wished he could stop thinking about how peaceful the other man looked.

It looked like Zack talked in his sleep at some points, but it was impossible to hear over the sound of the helicopter. His eyes kept straying to his lips as he mumbled and he felt trapped by the sight of him.

He was grateful that the infantry's helmet's visors were tinted and neither of the men in front of him could tell where he was looking. It didn't make him feel any better about it because he knew everything was recorded and they could review his actions at any time and so he stared back out as they crossed the ocean. 

It was protocol to keep their helmets on, but he couldn't help himself from staring with a false sense of accountability. He tried to read Zack's lips while he mumbled in his sleep, or when his read rolled lazily from side to side between snores. 

The flight was taking forever. They'd been flying over mountains for hours and he started to worry that they should have reached their destination by now. 

Tseng didn't seem worried, but Cloud kept trying to see down bellow for a sign of where they were besides ice and snow. Suddenly there was an explosion and the helicopter started spinning out.

There was screaming. Cloud couldn't tell if it was just him, or if the others had been as well. All he could tell was that Zack was definitely shouting, or swearing, or both as he unbuckled himself. He swung the door open to see where they were about to meet their demise.

Cloud had never jumped from a helicopter before, this was crazy, was Zack going to? He watched bewildered as Zack motioned for all of them to get up and proceded to unbuckle himself too.

He knew he had no choice, whether he jumped or stayed, he was still falling. He pulled himself over to the other three as the Helicopter continued to spin out. Zack kept them from the open door long enough for him to see where they were and with a sturdy push they were thrown from the helicopter.

Cloud lay on his back in the thick snow. He stared up at the endless sky and only knew that he was still alive because there were snowflakes covering up his visor. In the distance he could hear Zack.

“Ugh... well, that's a fine how-do-you-do!”

He can hear him start walking down the mountain shouting for them and he's reminded that he should probably move to show some sign of life.

“Tseng! Hey guys!”

Cloud sits up slowly, expecting one of his limbs to be detached from the amount of pain he was in but he seemed intact. Tseng and the pilot seemed whole as well, if not sorer than he was.

Tseng got up and immediately checked his phone, slapping it shut after just an instant and stating with surprising neutrality.

“No signal out here.”

“Well, at least we're all in one piece. We'll be all right.”

Zack tried to reassure the group as the helicopter burned behind them.

“Thankfully, we have someone used to this kind of terrain.”

“Yeah, yeah, I'm a country boy...”

Zack tried to brush Tseng off as if he was more annoyed by his thanks than his attempt to reassure the others.

“All right, then. We would have reached Modeoheim by now if we hadn't crashed. So we're going to need to make up for lost time.”

“Alright! Follow me then.”

Zack moves past Tseng to lead the way as soon as he'd suggested they speed things up. Cloud felt that maybe whatever was going on between the two of them was better off avoided.

Cloud followed suit and was thankful to see that Zack could really handle all the snow. He marched with nothing but the knowledge that if he didn't he might freeze to death on some uncharted road that hopefully lead to Modeoheim, and worse yet, he'd lose his only chance to spend time with the man.

He steadied himself through the thick snow, grateful for the cold air that made him feel more alert than he had felt in months. He told himself that as long as he was on this mission he'd do everything he could to help Zack and the only way to do that was to keep up with him.

The taller man had glanced back a few times at him and at the others trailing behind them. Cloud hadn't know if he should say anything at all, but then Zack suddenly turned and yelled back at Tseng and the pilot who were lagging back.

“Yo! Don't fall too far behind!”

Cloud had practically flinched from the sudden show of concern. He kept his pace up, having grown up in the mountains he didn't mind hiking at all. Despite his lack of any real talent, he had a lot of endurance when it came to the basics. 

“At least someone's keeping up!”

Zack exclaimed cheerily. Cloud couldn't believe he'd said something to him at all. He didn't understand that why of all people, someone so kind could make him feel so nervous. It wasn't what he had said that overwhelmed him, it was how glad the other man had sounded. 

“Well, I'm a country boy too.”

Cloud hadn't known what else to say. His voice was timid and he looked away when Zack genuinely smiled from his admission.

“From where?”

Zack's voice seemed softer in that instant, as if he was attempting to match Cloud's tone. It had made the conversation all too intimate all of a sudden and he hesitated to answer. 

Zack rounded in front of him with his arms crossed, a stern look, and half of a smile. His lips pursed in amusement as to why he wasn't just telling him where he was from.

“Nibelheim.”

Zack burst out laughing when he got his answer so easily, surprised that he hadn't had to put much pressure at all to get his answer. He wondered why Cloud had omitted to answer right away at all. 

“How about you?”

Cloud asked in return, albeit defensively from of the man's amusement.

“Me? Gongaga.”

Zack answered proudly, but when Cloud chuckled involuntarily at the name of his hometown, Zack suddenly didn't enjoy the situation anymore.

Cloud had raised his hand to hide his mouth in a poor attempt of covering up his reaction. He couldn't believe a place called Gongaga existed, and that Zack grew up there.

“Hey, what's so funny about that! You know Gongaga?”

“No, but it's such a backwater name.”

Cloud regretted what he'd said as soon as he'd said it. He had no right to judge Gongaga, he didn't even know where it was. He just had some faint memory of reading about a big accident there long ago. 

“Ditto Nibelheim!”

Zack looked conflicted, he had just been laughing at his hometown too even though he realized neither of them knew the other's. The 1st had turned to go but Cloud stepped forward abruptly.

“Like you've been there.”

Cloud retorted at his back, but cringed at his own sarcastic remark. Was he really trying to start a fight with the only man he wished more than anything he could get to know? This is how he was going to do it? 

“I haven't, but there's a reactor there, right?”

Cloud nodded and seemed amazed by the change in the other man's tone yet again.

“A mako reactor outside Midgar usually means...”

Cloud answered sarcastically despite himself again, but to his surprise Zack chimed in at exactly the same,

“...nothing else out there.”

They stared at each other in surprise when they'd realized they'd said it together and laughed. They laughed sincerely and Cloud realized he hadn't laughed in months. It felt surreal. 

Zack couldn't take his eyes off him. He contemplated how gentle his laugh was and how it had felt just as harmless when he'd laughed at the name Gongaga in the first place. 

“Good news, Tseng! Me and...”

Zack had turned back to the others before realizing he hadn't asked him his name yet. Cloud hesitated for a second before he took off his helmet to introduce himself properly. He'd forgotten all about how bad his hair looked.

“Cloud.”

Zack smiled at him before turning back to Tseng and the pilot with the smuggest look on his face, waving at them.

“Me and Cloud here are both backwater experts. Oh yeah!”

“Good. Carry on then.”

Tseng sounded beyond done from Zack's inexhaustible enthusiasm. They carried on ahead gladly. Cloud somehow felt as though Zack seemed different after that moment.

There had been a handful of run ins with fiends, and Zack had dealt with them easily, but it was nothing compared to his strength now. He wiped out fiends as if he'd somehow doubled his strength for no apparent reason.

Cloud still kept pace with him. He couldn't help but admire Zack and how he could take down anything that came their way without breaking a sweat.

They'd exchanged smiles as they pressed on. He was so caught up in the thrill that when a particularly large fiend blocked their path and Zack simply obliterated it with a terrifying show of dark magic. He was completely besides himself.

“That was amazing,”

“Really?”

Zack turned and questioned the compliment as soon as he'd received it, but his glee was far too apparent and Cloud simply nodded furiously before marching on and he followed. 

They had kept up the pace and Cloud was actually starting to feel the cold sting. He looked up at Zack and noted that he didn't seem like he was cold at all despite showing more skin. 

He'd put his helmet back on in between battles and they pressed on. As they approached a turn in the path several fiends appeared and Zack took them out methodically. He spun his sword above his head as he always did before holstering it again.

“Way too easy.”

Zack stated cockily when Cloud saw another large fiend swoop in from behind and he immediately aimed his rifle at it and shouted.

“Zack, get down!”

Once Zack had ducked as instructed he fired at the fiend, knocking it out after unloading an entire clip in to it's head. Zack made his way back over to Cloud and smiled cheekily at him despite his evident sense of gratitude.

“Wow, looks can be deceiving. Thanks, I owe you one.”

Cloud took his helmet off again and couldn't help but smile back despite the remark about his stature. He didn't care, Zack was smiling at him. 

“Glad to be of help.” 

They smiled at each other and he wondered if time had stopped because his eyes weren't averting from his. It felt as if the moment had lasted too long before Zack rubbed the back of his head and motioned for them to keep up their hike. Eventually they could see a factory in the distance bellow the cliff.

“Phew... Let's wait a bit.”

Zack said while they looked back to see just how far away the other two were.

“Hey, Zack, uh...”

Cloud saw an opening to get to know the man he'd been wishing to talk to for so long now. Here they were, seemingly assigned to the same mission just because they were both from the middle of no where. There they were, in the middle of nowhere together.

“Hm?”

“Um... What's it like to be in SOLDIER?”

“I don't quite get the question.”

Zack folded his arms, he seemed a little defensive. 

“Um...”

Cloud hesitated, he could barely look the man in the eyes anymore. He didn't know what he had meant either. He wanted to know more about him but he didn't feel like he had the right to ask him anything. 

“Well, once you join, you'll know what it's like.”

Zack lowered his arms when he answered, tying to sound encouraging. Cloud sighed heavily and his shoulders heaved forward. He couldn't very well admit he'd already failed the entrance exam more than once.

“If I can join, that is...”

“Don't sweat it! If I can do it, you can, too.”

Zack sounded so sure of himself, giving Cloud one of his award-winning smiles again.

“Cloud, look.”

Zack motioned towards the guards who were patrolling the facility. They crouched forward together to observe their route.

“That's a mako excavation test site.”

Tseng finally caught up to them and filled them in on the mission.

“I'll go check it out!”

Zack announced readily, standing back up.

“Our primary objective is to investigate Modeoheim. We can't afford to lose people here. At the same time, we can't ignore the activities of the Genesis Army. Therefore...”

Tseng elaborated, hoping Zack would clue in. He had a hand on his hip and looked frustrated by the entire ordeal. Cloud couldn't help but feel he was upset with them, so he focused on Zack instead.

“Infiltrate while avoiding combat, right?”

Zack conceded, impatient to get down to business. Despite being visibly exhausted, Tseng didn't falter in his orders. 

“Exactly. There's an entrance at the back of that warehouse. Once you're inside the facility, you can do as you like.”

“You got it. I'll prove that SOLDIER isn't all about muscle and brawn.”

Zack made a fist, he was clearly pumped for some action. Cloud couldn't even imagine taking on a warehouse full of troops and not show any sign of fear. How strong was he exactly? What did -do as you like- mean?

“You watch carefully too, Cloud.”

“Uh-huh.”

He'd responded immediately. He didn't his eyes off the man and watched as he made his way down to the facility. When he looked back over his shoulder Tseng gave him a disappointed look.

Cloud felt like he shouldn't of taken Zack's suggestion so literally. It looked like Tseng had wanted to say something but abstained when he crouched down to observe Zack's infiltration himself.


	9. Modeoheim part 2

“Okay. Strife, Smith, this way.”

Tseng took the lead and they easily infiltrated the facility. They'd taken a far simpler route than the one Zack had just improvised. They proceeded towards a path underground and soon discovered how large the area inside was. Tseng ordered them to split up. 

Cloud continued on straight through while they checked the lower levels. He broke in to a jog when he heard voices up ahead and saw Zack taking an elevator up to the next level where it looked like Genesis and Hollander were arguing. He knew he needed to get up there fast and so he ran to the next elevator and took it up. By the time he arrived on the scene it looked like Zack had his hands full with Genesis and Hollander was about to escape. 

“Stop!”

Cloud ran right up behind the scientist and grabbed on, clumsily attempting to restrain him. 

“Cloud! Good work!”

Zack praised, but he'd just as quickly lost control. Hollander elbowed him clean in the face to get free and he fell to the ground. 

“But nobody knows where the Jenova cells are being kept! Not even Hojo knows. You'll never find it!”

Hollander seemed desperate to reason with Genesis. Cloud had no clue what they were talking about, all he could feel was how much his face hurt as he tried to get back up. Zack kept trying to keep the scientist away from Genesis who still very much looked intent on murder.

“Then, I shall willingly accept my fate! But, I'll take the world with me!”

Genesis raised his sword dramatically and attempted to strike Zack who countered immediately, holding him off only long enough to look over his shoulder and see Hollander escaping. Zack struggled against Genesis but looked at Cloud next who had been hesitating to go after the scientist. He could see that the blond wanted to help him instead but he was focused on their mission. 

“Cloud, go!”

Zack shouted, but Cloud stared back in fear for a moment longer before nodding and running after Hollander. He was mortified at the idea of Zack being forced to fight a 1st and all he could hear was the sound of swords clashing and Genesis shouting in the distance

“Howl in terror, Shinra lapdog!”

Cloud ran after Hollander as fast as he could. Unfortunately, the old man was relentless. By the time the scientist made it out of the facility Tseng and Smith were also on his heels. They all chased Hollander through a tunnel and past the abandoned barracks of Modeoheim. The further they ran the more Cloud felt himself falter. 

He'd left Zack to fight Genesis alone and weighed turning back. The greying SOLDIER hadn't looked in good shape, plus if his copies were any indication of his strength he knew Zack would be fine. Yet he couldn't help but worry. He knew Zack and Angeal had been close, but he had no idea where Genesis fit in besides being Angeal's friend. 

He felt like something terrible was about to happen. He was breathing so heavily when they reached the next facility he could only nod when Tseng ordered them to split up to search again. Tseng went up the nearest staircase, Smith went up the farthest staircase, and that only left the main hall for him. 

He tried to slow his breathing back down and held his hands over his ears for a moment. They were freezing and all he could feel was the sting as he tried to warm them. He'd circled the area and found nothing but lab equipment and headed back to the entrance. When he heard yelling from above he ran up the stairs only to find Hollander pleading for his life on his knees before Tseng.

“There are no orders to bring you back at all if not alive.”

Cloud froze as soon as he'd reached the second floor. Tseng steadily held his gun aimed directly at the scientist's head.

“Please! I'll-”

“Just shut up.”

Tseng hit the old man across the face with his gun before steadily aiming it at his head again. He watched Tseng watch the old man struggled in pain on the ground. Cloud was convinced he'd pull the trigger next. Instead, a gust of wind suddenly announced the arrival of the one and only;

“Angeal!”

Hollander announced in fervent hopefulness. Cloud pulled his own rifle out in abject terror at the sight of the rogue 1st who'd flown down to them. He watched as Tseng surveyed him from the corner of his eye with unbreakable patience before Angeal finally raised his sword at him and shots were fired.

Angeal easily deflected the bullets and Hollander took the opportunity to escape. Tseng unloaded his clip at the much larger man in vain while he attempted to gain some distance from the SOLDIER only to be easily overpowered the next instant. 

Cloud watched on in shock as the Turk got his gun knocked clean out of his hand before another fist knocked him to the ground. Cloud's hands were shaking. He was pointing his rifle straight at the SOLDIER but he couldn't fire. If Zack still cared for that man at all he couldn't fire on him. 

Angeal looked back at Cloud over his shoulder and chuckled for an instant before returning his attention to Tseng who was trying to get back up. He swung the blunt side of his sword at the man his body was flung back against the far wall. As soon as he'd over-powered the Turk he'd turned his attention back to Cloud and walked up to him. 

Cloud was paralyzed by the sight of how conflicted the man approaching him was. He couldn't control the shaking. He could only watch as the man's towering wing stretched out above them. He felt his rifle slip out of his numb hands as soon as the man had torn it away from him and cast it aside.

“Zack is here.”

Cloud hadn't known what else to say. The look of surprise in the 1st's eyes told him that he still cared, and he could only hope it meant that Zack would be alright even if this was it for them. Angeal glared down at him the next instant and punched him clean in the stomach. Cloud crumbled to his knees in unbelievable pain and unable to breathe. He fell face first to the ground and blacked out.

“Hey!”

The beautiful sound of Zack's voice echoed in his head and he couldn't tell what was going on. Everything felt so bright, even though everything was actually pitch black.

“Ngh!”

Cloud grunted as he opened his eyes and realized how much pain he was in, trying to push himself up woozily.

“Cloud! Talk to me!”

Zack rushed to his side and knelt down, placing a hand on his arm to attempt to help him up. Cloud pulled away from his touch, alarmed by the man's pained tone and proximity he pushed himself up too fast and fell back down. He hadn't expected to lose his balance and had reached out for Zack suddenly, only to see him reach out at the same time. 

They'd both frozen before their hands could touch and he pulled away again. Zack's entire focus was on him, searching for any sign that he was going to be alright. He couldn't stand to be showed concern, it made him feel as if he'd failed. He glanced over at Tseng who was conscious and leaning against the back wall. He judged the path of least resistance was to shift the focus away from himself.

“We're alright...”

Zack looked up and saw Tseng propped up against a wall and practically screamed,

“Tseng!?”

Zack rushed over to Tseng's side with surprising haste, but Tseng didn't even look at him.

“Tseng!”

When Tseng finally looked at Zack, it seemed like he was surprised to receive as much concern from the man. He then pointed down the path besides him.

“Down that way.. You have to catch Hollander.”

Tseng struggled to speak, clutching his stomach weakly.

“Angeal... is waiting for you..”

Cloud stood up and strained to find his balance. He wanted to follow Zack, but he'd already disappeared through to the next room. He didn't want to let him fight alone again. He'd only made it a few steps forward when Smith came up the stairs and shouted at them.

“Hey guys! I found another helicopter. Can we get out of here yet?”

Cloud looked at the pilot before looking back over at Tseng. He waited for orders, although Tseng seemed impartial to the news. Smith jogged over to the Turk and knelt down when he'd received no response.

“Hey, are you alright? What happened?”

He looked Tseng over and looked back at Cloud as well before trying to pull Tseng's arm over his shoulder. Tseng looked extremely displeased that he had to rely on the other man to walk. Cloud picked up his stray rifle and accompanied them to the helicopter. If Tseng chose not to explain what had just happened, he didn't feel like he had a right to.

“Are you alright?”

Smith asked him next, once he'd made sure Tseng had found the helicopter's medkit. 

“Yeah.”

Cloud answered plainly, looking back anxiously at the facility. He boarded the helicopter to get more ammo and stepped out with a sigh.

“I'll be right back.”

“Okay.”

Smith nodded. Tseng said nothing. He couldn't stand not knowing if Zack was alright. He headed back down in to the facility only to see Hollander trying to escape again. He ran down the stairs to cut him off before he could make it out, shouting and aiming his rifle at the man.

“Don't move!”

Hollander hesitated, backing up towards the exit.

“You again...”

“I said don't move!”

Cloud fired a warning burst above the man's head, stopping him in his tracks.

“Fine! Fine!”

Cloud circled the scientist who continued to protest. He aimed his rifle at the man's back and pointed him towards the far staircase.

“I don't want to hear it.”

He ordered the man to shut up and to his surprised he had. He was so angry that he'd had to chose between Shinra's objective and Zack's safety that he'd wished he'd of let the old man go instead. By the time they'd made it back outside It looked like it had just finished raining. Tseng and Smith's surprised stares were evident the entire way up to the helicopter.

“Get in.”

Cloud insisted when the old man stopped to say something to Tseng, pushing him in to the helicopter instead. He made sure the scientist was cuffed to his seat before stepping out again.

“Well, at least we didn't come all this way for nothing.”

Smith offered Cloud a weak smile that went unacknowledged. 

“Good work.”

Tseng added, but Cloud was still staring back at the facility, tormented by Zack's absence. He wanted to go back for him again but something felt wrong. Smith got in to the helicopter to make sure Hollander was secured and to ensure everything was in order for their departure. 

Cloud paced in circles and Tseng remained motionless, leaning against the helicopter. He felt so stupid for not just going right back in. He couldn't figure out why he continued to hesitate. Angeal had evidently turned his back on all of them, what would keep him from doing the same to Zack? Was all of this because of Genesis? He felt helpless to understand what Zack was going through.

Tseng didn't look worried. He was unsettled by how neutral the man was able to remain as they waited. The sun was starting to set and the loss of daylight made him feel worse by the second. He agonized that Zack might be injured. He worried that maybe he should have done more earlier. He was about to give in when he saw Zack walk out of the facility solemnly. Tseng moved forward as if anxious to greet him suddenly, and Zack seemed grateful to see a way out of Modeoheim.

“Sorry to keep you waiting.”

Zack hung his head after his apology. His face was stained with tears, streaking eyeliner, and blood. His heart sank the longer he watched him stare down wearily before he stepped past them. 

“Let's go home.”

He offered just before climbing in to the helicopter. Cloud felt completely destabilized by the excessive amount of pain the other man suddenly carried. He felt choked by the silence that followed and assumed the worst had happened. They departed as soon as they'd all climbed in to the helicopter and he'd slammed the door shut behind them.

Zack looked like he was in agony. None of them said anything, not even Hollander. It was as if there was no sentiment that could be felt that wasn't erased by despair in their limited space. Cloud watched the man fight back tears and wished he knew what to do. Besides the awful gash across his cheek he appeared to be unscathed. 

Cloud watched him hesitantly. Zack continued to stare down out the window in an effort not to acknowledge his own grief. Tears persisted in rolling down his face despite his steady gaze in to the darkness bellow. He saw Tseng glance over at Zack several times with worried looks as well, even though neither of them said anything. Cloud could only assume that they'd lost two 1sts that day. 

He'd always known that email about their K.I.A. status had been a lie. He just hadn't expected to be present when it really did happen. He didn't understand what Shinra had done to them, why they'd sprouted wings, or what their intentions had been throughout the desertion. All he could see was that Zack was deeply grieving the loss of his mentor.

He wanted more than anything to comfort him, but he had no idea what to do, or what to say. He felt it wasn't his place to even try with how hard Zack was trying to hold it together. After several hours of fighting back tears the SOLDIER finally fell asleep. Tseng had resorted to glaring at Hollander to pass the time, but Cloud continued to watch as Zack cried even in his sleep. 

He was astounded that witnessing his pain was more horrific than any pain, physical or otherwise, that he'd previously known. He couldn't ever have imagined anything gouging through him to this extent. A helplessness to ease someone so unjustly rid of someone that they cherished.

He'd tried to stop watching the man with so much concern, but the weight of Zack's pain tormented him. He only hoped that he'd know what to do by the time they got back to HQ. He hadn't, and when they'd finally landed back in Midgar he got up and undid Hollander's restraints, leading him out of the Helicopter. 

He then stood by and watched as Tseng gently shook Zack's shoulder to wake him. He could tell that Tseng was still in a lot of pain as well despite the potions, and he wondered if it was partly because he could feel Zack's pain as clearly as he did too. There was something unnatural about the space that surrounded them in his presence and he wondered if it was all in his head.

“We're back.”

Tseng said softly once he'd managed to wake him before stepping out of the helicopter, followed by Smith. Zack seemed disoriented for a moment before he rubbed his eyes sorely and got out as well. Cloud wanted desperately to say something to Zack, but he still didn't know what. 

What could he say, when he didn't know what had happened to either men from Banora? He wanted to tell Zack everything would be alright, yet he felt it wasn't true. Before he could find the courage to speak up, Tseng ordered him and Smith to jail the scientist.

“Bring Hollander down bellow.”

“Yes sir.”

They answered simultaneously. He hated doing that, but it had been made a reflex. Smith moved forward to escort the old man along with him and Cloud regretted not at least saying goodbye. He glanced back over his shoulder as they left the landing platform and watched Tseng try to reassure Zack.

“You did what was necessary.”

When Zack didn't respond, Tseng reached out in an attempt to comfort him. Zack jerked away sharply. 

"I'm fine."

He justified coldly, but he saw that Tseng looked frustrated that his gesture had been rejected.

"You're on stand by until further notice. Don't go too far."

He heard Tseng order just before he and Smith lead Hollander in to HQ and had to endure the extensive process of incarceration paperwork and multiple debriefings.


	10. Under scrutiny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rude and Sephiroth make unplanned appearances! Because who follows their own drafts, right?

Cloud pulled at the short strands of hair at the back of his head while he finished filling out what he hoped would be the last of the paperwork. The later it got the harder he pulled. It didn't make him feel any better, but at least it wasn't as bad as biting his nails. Smith had already left some time ago when Tseng had verified their statements. He on the other hand, was required for further debriefing. 

“Do you know why I'm here?”

Someone new again sat down in front of him and slid a cup of what looked like tea towards him. He was staring off at no space in particular. 

“I've said everything I know already.”

Cloud started wearily, he was exhausted from the mission and wanted to at least try to sleep. 

“Once more.”

Cloud stared back at the bald man, surprised by the sight of his sunglasses and so many piercings. The unknown man gestured at the cup in front of him. 

He looked at the tea and back at the man and wondered why he'd never questioned Shinra before. The sudden apprehension he had towards the drink in front of him made him sick.

“It'll help your memory. Drink and start from the beginning.”

Cloud thought of all the Shinra products he consumed on a daily basis and pulled at his hair again. All the medication, potions, food, everything that was provided by the company he'd taken without question before.

The man before him looked at the clock on the wall in dismay and leaned back, giving Cloud another expectant look in hopes that they could continue.

He reached out and picked up the cup, leaning away from the man and rolling his eyes involuntarily. He figured nothing they could give him would matter at this point and so he drank.

The hot liquid had been a relief, even though the taste was awful. It hadn't tasted like any tea he'd ever had before. That was the only thing he'd been certain of by the time he'd set the empty cup back down.

“How did the helicopter crash?”

“There was an explosion. I don't know if it was just the engine, or if something, or someone attacked us.”

The man in the black suit leaned back, taking notes lazily before staring blankly ahead, waiting for Cloud to continue.

“We hiked the rest of the way and infiltrated the first facility south of Modeoheim. That's where Hollander and Genesis were.”

“We received no footage of this.”

“Smith was searching elsewhere, and I'd l-”

“Lost your helmet?”

“Right.”

“When?”

“On the hike there.”

“Why?”

“It was in the way.”

“...”

“I mean, I was in the way. It got knocked out of the way. We encountered a lot of copies.”

Cloud corrected himself with increasing frustration. He'd answered so plainly instead of sticking to his story. He couldn't afford to slip up like this, but he was convinced everything suddenly felt off.

“Right, the monsters. But, why would you call yourself it?.. Who does that?..”

The man asked incredulously, leaning back in his chair as if he was wasting his time. Cloud tried not to glare with little success. 

“Really.. Has anyone compared you to furniture before? Because I don't see why else you'd say that..”

Cloud opted for glaring at the clock instead. He was getting too angry to keep his thoughts clear. He hadn't realized that they'd wanted complete surveillance this badly.

“So it just fell off the cliff?..”

“Right.”

Cloud confirmed bluntly, with more thought than his previous answer. 

“And Zack can verify this?”

Cloud hesitated. He was too tired to hide his surprise. He couldn't remember if Zack had actually noticed it happen or not, or why he'd only asked about him. He expected they'd asked Tseng already, but he couldn't worry about that now.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“We were almost at the first facility by then.”

“That's where Hollander and Genesis were hiding?”

“Right”

“Zack was going to intervene when I saw them and I went to help.”

“...”

“It looked like Genesis and Hollander had been fighting about something. Zack got there just in time..”

“Fighting?”

“Hollander told Genesis he'd never find the Jenova cells.”

“The what?”

“I don't know. Hollander said no one knows where they are.”

“Right..”

Cloud was skeptical about the man's tone. Hell, he was skeptical about his own tone. Something about how surreal the conversation felt assured him he wasn't sober anymore. He wondered if the man really knew about Jenova or not.

“Hollander tried to escape so I went after him and left Zack to fight Genesis on his own.”

He could hear the guilt in his own voice and he was surprised he'd sounded so vulnerable. The bald man across from him had raised an eyebrow but listened on.

“...”

“I don't know what happened to Genesis. I chased Hollander and regrouped with Tseng and Smith along the way. By the time we caught up to Hollander, Angeal intervened.”

“Who attacked first?”

“...”

Cloud was surprised by the question. Where they cross-referencing Tseng's statement as well? He looked away to try to picture the scene he'd witnessed, but reliving the moment made him sick. His gut still hurt, he could only imagine how much pain Tseng was still in.

“Angeal did.”

He could have sworn he'd seen a glimpse of relief on the man's serious features. It was then that he realized that the bald man in front of him must be a Turk as well. 

“Did he say anything?”

“No. He knocked Tseng out first, and then me. I only came to when Zack found us.”

“...”

“Tseng told him Angeal was waiting for him. I wanted to assist him, but Smith found us next and he'd found a helicopter. He couldn't fight while carrying Tseng, so I escorted them out.”

“...”

“I went back, that's when I saw Hollander escaping again and apprehended him. Then Zack returned, and we left. He didn't say what happened with Genesis or Angeal.”

“Nothing?”

“No. He's really shaken up.”

“...”

The expressionless man stood up and walked to the door. Cloud watched him with surprise.

“Report to Medical..”

The bald man ordered then left the room. Cloud stood up too quickly and had to hold on to the table. His head felt light and everything still seemed uncanny. He sighed and took a moment before he could steady himself to walk out of the room and head down the deserted hall to the elevator.

He arrived in Medical and was routinely submitted to a series of tests. While the staff gathered their results and moved on to other tasks he was left with unsettling deja vu from the process.

By the time they'd hooked him up to a DMW reader he'd forced himself to focus on anything but his surroundings. He hated seeing the nurses' reactions to the data his mind transmitted.

They whispered among themselves, let their dismay and disbelief twist their faces, frequently followed by condescending questions. They seemed incapable of grasping that this is how he always felt.

He only looked up at the nurse running the test that night when he'd realized that no one had said anything this time. He looked at the back of the monitor that she'd been staring in to before giving her a questioning look.

She looked back at the monitor nervously when she'd noticed his look before going over his chart once more in an effort to stall what she was about to say.

“It appears we must suspend you.”

“What?”

Cloud asked dryly. He'd been expecting this moment to come since they'd first started complaining about his results, but he hadn't expected to feel so angry about it.

“Your readings are at a record low. It appears-”

“They're fine.”

Cloud cut her off. He didn't know what else to say. He felt awful attempting to contradict her decision. It was useless to attempt to validate his lack of strength to them. He'd been prepared to work himself to death, but it appeared he couldn't even do that for them.

She looked between him and the monitor and seemed increasingly concerned by whatever she was seeing. He couldn't believe that this could be it. The look on her face told him that he had no way out of this.

He'd hoped he'd have figured out why he'd stayed at all by the time they fired him, but he still didn't know. He had only wanted the chance to meet Zack, and now that he had, he assumed his subsequent suspension and inevitable discharge were his price to pay.

The nurse gasped and Cloud flinched. He watched her surprised face light in awe at whatever she'd just witnessed on the monitor, looking down at his chart again and back at the monitor. She appeared to be humming from excitement.

“Unbelievable.”

Cloud cringed at the smug look on the woman's face that now replaced her initial excitement. She just as soon looked back at the monitor in dismay when he assumed his readings had returned to their baseline.

“Despite your record lows, it seems as though you might still be useful to the company.”

“...”

Cloud couldn't understand why she'd changed her mind so quickly. He wondered what she'd seen, but their readings were for authorized personnel only, even if they were HIS readings. 

As far as SOLDIER had claimed, the devices that were surgically implanted would record, track, and heighten existing emotional bonds and could channel them in crucial combat situations.

If he'd somehow formed a bond with Zack, he could only imagine that it was what had just been showcased. He didn't understand how the technology worked, but he felt terrible that the woman had been so impressed. He couldn't look at her anymore. He wondered if harnessing something so involuntary could actually be valuable to Shinra. 

“Uh, well. That'll be all for now, you're cleared to go.”

The nurse hesitantly offered, but when Cloud didn't respond she simply stood up to remove the sensors from his head and returned to her work. He stood up and took a good look around as he exited the Med Bay. He'd been too worried on the way in to pay attention. 

He could see that there were barely any men still being treated since the attacks. That meant that all those who were still missing were either dead, or being held elsewhere. He started to walk faster on the way down the deserted hallway towards the elevator. 

Things had felt off for a long time in HQ but he'd never felt this scared before wandering the halls at night. He kept looking over his shoulder. He could swear he heard someone, or something creeping up on him but there was never anything. 

He rode the elevator up in silence and made his way to his unit's quarters. He made a great effort not to make any sound as he walked over to his bunk, although the door sliding open had inevitably stirred a few.

He hadn't bothered getting changed, or even pulling the blanket back. Once he'd set his gear down and slid off his boots he'd laid down face first in to his pillow, and before he could go back to his repetitive over-evaluations, he'd drifted off to sleep. 

 

He practically yelled from shock when the morning alarm went off and he could hear all the divisions on their level waking up simultaneously. The infantrymen's quarters weren't as well built as most of the other levels. They were part of the original levels in HQ before the last expansion, and renovations were not a priority when they were still building parts of some Sectors.

“Rough mission?”

Someone asked him and a few chuckled. He winced from the light that suddenly flooded their quarters as he tried to pin-point who had asked in the first place. He groaned holding his stomach as he sat up. He could still recall the force of impact of Angeal's fist and wished he hadn't thought about it again.

“Hey, are you alright?”

The same voice came again and he finally located the man, his name was Silva and he was one of the recent recruits. 

“Yeah.”

Cloud tried to brush off his concern and stood up, giving the room a tired glance and seeing their captain walk up to him.

“Take the morning off, Strife. I can't have you miss your shift later and your reports don't look good.”

He watched him scroll through the reports that had been emailed to him overnight while he gave his orders.

“I'm fine.”

Cloud protested, glaring at the ground to avoid seeing anyone staring at them. The captain scratched their head before repeating themselves with a mixture of confusion and concern.

“Why are you arguing? It says here your helicopter crashed and that you encountered heavy resistance forces. So take the morning off. It's an order.”

The entire unit went silent. They'd all been eavesdropping because that's what anyone did when anyone was being told off by a superior. They hadn't expected to hear about anything of interest relating to him, 

“You crashes!?”

“What mission?”

“What happened to the helicopter?”

“What resistance?”

“Was Genesis there?!”

“Genesis is already dead, you idiot.”

“Wow! Did it explode?!”

“Hey! What mission?”

“No he's not.”

The captain looked around in dismay when most had stopped getting ready for morning training and crowded over them instead. 

“There's no time for this. If you can't chat while training, you'll just have to find another time, but everyone except for Strife is marching out of here NOW.”

The men groaned and cussed in response, some even still tried to ask him questions while they got their gear on to head out. He was completely overwhelmed. All he'd been able to do was sit back down on his bunk and wait for them to file out.

He laid back and wished he could override the room's settings to turn the lights back off. He pulled his pillow over his face instead and tried to fall back asleep.

It was only when he remembered his prescriptions that he'd forced himself to sit back up. He downed them with a potion and laid back down again staring up at the top bunk. 

Cloud gave up on falling back asleep when he found himself worrying about what he'd do next again. He figured he might as well take advantage of his free time while he had it and fished out his bag of books from underneath his bed.

He didn't particularly want to go study, but it had become such a habit that he couldn't think of anything else to do instead of lying awake. He knew that with the state he was in, and the exam coming up so soon, that he'd have no chance of making it that he considered not taking it at all.

He was halfway through changing in to fresh clothes when he heard the door slide open and heavy footsteps entered the room. He turned around out of surprise, his shirt stuck above his head, and saw the infamous silver haired 1st walking towards him.

“Oh, God.”

“Not quite.”

Sephiroth replied indifferently before stopping to face him. He stood there inexplicably, watching his every breath with what could only be described as indignation 

Cloud struggled to get his shirt on over his head, but he'd gotten one of the sleeves twisted inside out and he'd been so embarrassed that he'd frozen before the man.

“Need some help?”

He struggled against the fabric when the question alarmed him and he managed to pull the shirt down. He couldn't believe he'd actually seen some shade of amusement across the man's features. He'd never seen Sephiroth like that before, he just didn't believe it.

Cloud took a step back and reached out to hold on to one of the posts of his bunk to try to steady himself. He felt the cool metal beneath his skin and he watched the very real man resume his neutral stare.

He didn't look any thinner than what he remembered. Had the man really spent over a week locked away in the data room? He wondered if that's why they'd sent Zack to Modeoheim instead of him. 

“I have some questions for you.”

Cloud could only conclude that this was about the mission. Had he known that Genesis and Angeal had really been alive would Sephiroth have come on the mission? Had he known that the original reports were fake?

His head spun and he held on tighter to the bunk. He couldn't explain the overwhelming sensation of the other man's power before him. He'd always felt it to some extent, but he had no idea his scrutiny could amplify it to this extent.

It wasn't simply overwhelming, it felt completely foreign. Nothing he'd experienced from anyone came close to this. He'd understood what pure willpower felt like from Zack, but this wasn't it. It was also different from the warmth and strength that Aerith had carried with her. 

Sephiroth's power felt senseless. He felt his own strength fade from his body as he struggled to stand. He couldn't pull his eyes away from him and he started to fear why he'd been put in to such a position at all. 

“You should ask Zack.”

“I tried.”

Cloud stared back at the taller man blankly when he'd received such a simple response to his deflection. He couldn't picture the two men getting along but it was painfully evident that he must be wrong. He looked at the ground and tried to rationalize the statement. 

“He's gone?”

Sephiroth sighed at the question before clarifying, he seemed to grow impatient to get to the point. 

“He left this morning. I attempted to question him last night. However, he was unable to stop crying.”

Cloud felt weaker, he had to sit down despite breaching protocol. He felt like he was going to faint as he tried to steady his breathing. He desperately wanted to try to talk to Zack about the mission. He could only hope that Sephiroth had at least attempted to console his fellow 1st.

The leather-clad man seemed confused by the sudden disrespect of sitting down in his presence. He stepped forward and leaned in to see his face, as if attempting to understand what had possessed him to disregard him so.

“He'll be back. He only went to the slums.”

Sephiroth added, concluding the information he was willing to share with regards to Zack. Cloud pulled back to look up when the man approached him, soon regretting his poor choice to sit down.

The fact that he'd gone to the slums was of some relief, not because he hadn't wanted to search for him, but because at least he was certain that Aerith would be able to help in a far greater capacity than he felt he could.

“What did Hollander say about Jenova?”

Cloud's jaw dropped at the question before tensing under the man's gaze. His tone had changed entirely and he was shocked by the idea that he'd never seen the 1st look so desperate before.

“I don't know.”

He answered out of fear, but it easily frustrated the silver haired man who placed a hand on the top bunk above his head and leaned down further.

“Don't waste my time. I read the reports.”

“Genesis said he needed them.”

“For what?”

“To stop the degradation?”

Cloud was trying his best to remember, wondering how it was possible to give the 1st what he wanted when he truly believed he knew nothing.

“Where is Jenova?”

Cloud watched the man's gaze harden further at the mention of the unknown entity. He wanted to get away but his presence confined him.

“I don't know. Genesis was ready to get rid of Hollander by the time we got to them, and Hollander just kept saying they would never find the Jenova cells.”

“That not even Hojo knows where they are?”

“Right.”

He confirmed immediately, almost too eagerly. He felt outside of himself, as if he had no conception of all his fears or anxieties that had previously restrained his thoughts. 

He couldn't feel anything but the man towering over him and his overbearing power. He gazed up at him, completely captivated by his grey eyes shining with Mako.

“They didn't say anything else?”

“No sir.”

“Did you find any of Hollander's data?”

“No sir.”

“What about Angeal?”

“He didn't say anything to me.”

Sephiroth frowned, accepting that the infantryman had no valuable information. 

“Zack fought both of them alone.”

Cloud spoke up unprompted, compelled to voice his concern despite himself.

“No one knows what happened to them but him.”

Sephiroth stepped back at that. He seemed critical of the suggestion that he cared what had happened to his colleagues before turning away to mask his reaction. 

“Very well.”

The 1st strained to sound neutral. Cloud attempted to stand when the man turned to leave but he couldn't find the strength. He felt numb from the unsettling lack of doubt in his actions.

Sephiroth looked the blond over with far more contempt than when he'd first approached him, turning away without another word and leaving with heavy steps.

Cloud watched him go and was enthralled by the sensation of his own stifled awareness slowly coming back to him as the 1st vanished. He urged himself to remember that he hadn't just imagined it all.

He raised the back of his hand to wipe sweat from his forehead, but when he looked down and saw how hard he was his heart stopped. He was terrified that Sephiroth had noticed.

He had no idea when he'd gotten so turned on, but he imagined that was why the 1st had looked so frustrated with him. He laid back in exhaustion from the realization that the 1st probably hated him.

Cloud couldn't shake the feeling that had overwhelmed him since the man had set eyes on him. The senseless desire to adhere to anything that came out of his gorgeous mouth had felt like second nature. 

He pictured his perfect lips moving and his hair cascading over his shoulder as it had when he'd bent down towards him. He slid a hand down his pants if only to prove to himself how hard his idol had made him.

He shouldn't have, but it had been impossible to resit staring at the SOLDIER's bare chest, or expansive thighs when he'd towered over him. He couldn't explain why but the man's voice had the same effect as his presence, in so far as it was impossible to focus on anything else.

He tried to focus on his breathing, but imagining the sound of the 1st's deep voice still monopolized his focus. He squeezed himself harder and groaned, moving against his own touch.

He couldn't be doing this here. If anyone came in that would be the end of his infantry days. Even so, he continued to stroke his hard cock while picturing his hero ordering him to his knees before him.

The thought alone of Sephiroth getting hard while he waited obediently before him sent him over the edge and he came in his pants. With a heavy sigh he stared up at the bunk above his.

“I'm so fucked up.”


	11. Rising tentions

It wasn't like he hadn't already needed to do laundry. He'd been putting it off for a while now because they had started locking the facilities off at night and he hated going when there were other people. He cleaned himself up and got changed again, bringing his books along with his laundry.

He hoped that there wouldn't be anyone. He was still shaken by the sudden encounter he'd so poorly handled. Thankfully there were very few people who were exempt from morning training and the facilities were empty that morning. 

He sat down on the ground opposite of the machine he'd loaded and went over the company's employee handbook again. He'd picked it because it was the simplest to memorize and he wanted to avoid thinking.

A dozen pages in to the manual and he hadn't managed to stop thinking about his childhood hero. Washing away the problem proved to be harder than he'd planned. He always covered things up to avoid questions, and he needed to stop believing it didn't affect him. 

He was afraid of conflict, but he finally saw that he'd been closed off for so long to allow it, that it had prevented him from feeling so much more. Even as a child, he'd rarely ever brought problems to his mother. She'd already had too many already.

Cloud sighed and scratched his head out of frustration. He felt nauseous at the thought that he was acting this way because he'd avoided people for too long. He was scared cutting himself off was causing him to develop grandiose obsessions that would clearly do him no good.

Despite having read about Sephiroth in the news over so many years, he knew next to nothing about him. They never talked about the man, only his exploits. He might not even be human, yet he looked more human than anyone else. 

It wasn't like the mutations he'd witnessed with the Genesis copies. They had appeared distorted, but Sephiroth felt entirely different.

He tried to think back to the first time he'd seen the man in person to try to understand if his perception had changed then but he couldn't remember clearly feeling any different about him. 

He found himself wishing Shinra had never come to Nibelheim at all. If they hadn't he hoped there would have been the possibility he'd never heard of the great hero to begin with.

He wondered how much of his attraction to the 1st was genuine, how much was purely aesthetic, and how much was because of his inhuman aura. He wondered if it was something proper to SOLDIER, and if that was the only reason he'd noticed Zack as well. Because of whatever Shinra was doing to enhance their mind waves.

He hadn't considered that it might be unnatural to feel so many varying forces from people at large. Their every mood, all their emotions, their intentions, their apprehensions, and most of all, their aura or presence. He wondered if that's why people seemed impulsive and simplistic to him, because they lacked perspectives.

He hated always feeling overwhelmed with other people's experiences. He hated the way his heart jumped every time he'd see those two men in particular. He hated that he knew almost nothing about them and was too afraid to find out more. 

Cloud never expected to get the chance to speak to either of them personally. But at this rate, he almost felt sorry he had. Why had he?

He thought back to the last days before he'd left Nibelheim. His mother had encouraged him since he'd told her he wanted to join SOLDIER. In fact, she hadn't seemed surprised at all. She wondered aloud more and more to him about how great Midgar would be for him. She'd told him to write to her often, especially if he met any girl he liked.

He hadn't wanted to write to her about anyone, and any less about himself. He was too afraid she'd find out he was having a hard time. That the company isn't what he thought it would be. He hadn't been able to send any of the letters he'd started.

He wondered if he should of written to her when he'd seen Aerith for the first time. He wondered if that's what his mother had meant. He'd admired her kindness towards others, and she was beautiful, but he had never even spoken to her. How could he know?

Had he felt as much as when he first saw Zack? Why only talk to her about women. Now that he'd spent time with Zack could he even still deny that he liked him anymore? He reasoned that it wasn't appropriate to write to her about someone he'd never have a future with. 

He wondered if his mother knew that he had liked Sephiroth all those years, and if that had been why hadn't been able to stop talking about the hero. He refused to talk about his peers because he was always off on his own either way, he had nothing to say about them. 

He'd thought back to the times his mother had ever tried asking him if he liked anyone. He remembered how defensive he'd been when she'd asked about Tifa once out of the blue. He hadn't even talked to his mom about Tifa in years, so she had no business bringing her up.

He couldn't remember why he'd been offended. Tifa was the only other person in his town he respected. He wondered if she still expected him to become famous. The washing machine finished spinning and the silence in the room felt like a time bomb. Like a gas leak threatening to spark. He felt like something was inevitably wrong but he could barely bring himself to stand. 

Cloud looked around, as if he'd been certain he'd heard someone enter, but the room was still empty. He transferred everything to a dryer and picked another book. The handbook hadn't helped at all, but no matter which book he swapped to he couldn't stop thinking about what Sephiroth had wanted to learn earlier that morning.

He hadn't seemed concerned about the ex-1sts at all, if barely even concerned for Zack. Couldn't he find out what he wanted from Hollander? He'd gone through the trouble of bringing him in. He couldn't rationalize why the man had wanted to ask him about any of it at all.

When the chore was complete he was relieved that he could stop attempting to understand what was going on at Shinra and move on to something else, anything else. He dropped his things off back in his storage unit before heading out to Sector 8 to clear his head.

He didn't want to think about SOLDIER, or Modeoheim, or the dread of being confronted by members of his own unit over any of it. He hadn't planned on telling anyone about the mission and didn't know how he'd avoid it now that their captain had kindly informed everyone it had been a mess.

He still had hours to kill before his shift and he wished he hadn't gone outside. He hated spending what little gil he had so he never visited any of the shops in town. Since he could buy the basics in HQ he hadn't realized how little he'd actually ever left the building other than for assignments.

He didn't care for the daytime. The city was crowded, and loud, and bright, and everyone was always in a rush. He preferred walking through the empty streets undisturbed until he reached the edge of a Sector. Even the few the other people wandering at those hours wouldn't look twice at you.

Unfortunately since the attacks on HQ it was much more challenging to get out at night with the added security. He had to take the time to walk through the city when he could now and he wondered if he ever even enjoyed it at all. 

It was only when he'd returned to HQ to get geared up for his shift that he'd finally understood just how fast word-of-mouth traveled at Shinra. As soon as he'd entered his unit's quarters everyone turned towards him. He had only made it a few steps in when several confronted him.

“Sephiroth was here?!”

“Who cares about him. What happened to the helicopter?”

“Hey, is it true?”

“Was Sephiroth here?”

Cloud avoided looking at any of them. He couldn't process their excitement. It was all there, but it left him feeling as though they were just fishing for something to use against him. He opted for lying.

“What? When?”

Their reactions varied widely and he certainly didn't want to address whatever was happening. He moved around them to get to his gear while they looked amongst themselves for proof.

“I heard someone saw him come in to our unit.”

“Yeah they said he was in here a while!”

A few troops offered their stories, but he held up his side.

“I wasn't here.”

“What?”

“I did laundry when you all left.”

“Huh?”

Cloud didn't want to know what they'd heard. He didn't want to be involved in any of the company's drama. Especially not anything to do with Sephiroth. His fans were crazy. 

He'd finished gearing up and grabbed his helmet, trying to get away from the confused cluster of men.

“I'm late for my shift.”

He justified, but they weren't dissuaded. After several promises to clarify more later, which he had no intention of upholding, and a lot of persistence, he was able to escape their quarters. 

He'd taken for granted that the halls were usually deserted during training. Anyone could have been out there when Sephiroth had graced their halls, but he was certain he hadn't seen anyone when he'd left that morning. 

That meant that his lie would only hold up if the person really saw Sephiroth on their floor. If it was someone who worked in surveillance and it came back to him he was convinced he'd get fired anyways. 

He felt a headache coming on. He was conflicted with the idea of leaving Shinra over what could transpire. He couldn't tell if he was still afraid, or simply excited by the prospect.

He felt as if he needed a new plan entirely. Any alternative felt like a dull glimmer reminding him that he still had a choice in everything.

He'd only ever wanted to be famous. For what? For unconditional admiration? Surely that wasn't it. If that's what he felt for Sephiroth then he didn't want any part of it anymore.

He wanted to quit. He wanted to leave without a word, sell whatever he could carry and just leave. When he'd gotten to the elevator and had to decide whether he was going down to his shift, or down to leave midgar, a third option opened up to him.

He considered a faster way to leave Midgar. The motivation he felt at the idea of somehow managing to get past security and through to the roof scared him. He hadn't felt so ready to do anything in months and he'd clearly contemplated jumping off of HQ.

He convinced himself he needed to think it over. He knew he'd get out of there, out of it all, yet he began his patrol route without a sign of objection. Pacing through the same hallways with just as much complacency as he always had.

He started avoiding his unit entirely. The more he did the more it made morning training difficult. He could feel that they started to resent him more than they did before.

There were rumors about people getting fired again, because anything concerning Sephiroth always got people fired. Everyone was too afraid to talk to the 1st, and without proof they could only speculate on the nature of the would be visit.

Cloud hated being asked questions because any mention of the mission only made him worry about Zack. It had been months now and he still hadn't seen him anywhere. 

He hadn't gone as far as to stake out the SOLDIER floor for him, but he had been hoping for any chance to at least see how he was doing. He wondered if he would still want to talk to him at all. 

The worst rumour circulating had been that Sephiroth had personally threatened him to keep quiet about the deserters, his dear exe friends. However, the wildest rumor that still made it's way back to him was that he was working for said deserters and had relayed information to Sephiroth and that soon all of SOLDIER would turn against the company because of his help.

The infantry obviously still had issues with SOLDIER, but things were getting out of hand. He was so tired of saying he was loyal to a company he didn't believe in anymore.

Things continued to escalate the more he denied any of their claims. He'd tried avoiding the subject by saying the Modeoheim mission was classified by the Turks and that he couldn't go against them. It was never enough, and the more people's speculations didn't pan out the angrier they got. 

He hated being referred to as the disgusting puppet in their conspiracy scenarios. He hated being observed, and more than anything he hated people's assumptions about his intentions. One day he took a knife to what was left of his hair and proceeded to cut it as short as he could.

He'd been unsure if he wanted to grow it back after he'd been assaulted. He hadn't been certain why he'd grown it out at all anymore. He hated it. He hated looking at himself anymore, and if all it would do was make him recognizable he didn't want to keep it.

He sliced off strand after strand. Starting from the back and worked his way up, he lost sight of what he was doing halfway through. It was shorter, spikier than ever, and far more uneven now.

The more he cut in to it the more he wondered how his hair managed to do that. He wondered if that's why he'd preferred it long after all. He got a hat instead and started wearing it anytime he wasn't in uniform. Tucking what was left of his hair underneath he spent the majority of his time unseen.

He hadn't attended the last two SOLDIER exams. Not because of all the accusations he'd received with regards to wanting to serve SOLDIER's mass-desertion objectives, but because he was too afraid he'd end up seeing Zack again. He looked for him everywhere and it scared him. He told himself he just wanted to make sure he was alright, but he felt that it was much more than that. 

He wandered HQ's hallways and Midgar's streets so much trying to come up with another plan, but he still failed to justify leaving the company in any reasonable capacity. He'd wanted to leave for so long now he really didn't know what he was doing anymore. 

He still harboured the terrible idea that he'd make it in to SOLDIER and somehow things would be different. Weeks kept passing him by and he wondered why he kept on working, or why he kept on hoping for another chance.

He couldn't go up to the SOLDIER floor. He didn't want anyone thinking he wanted to talk to Sephiroth after people finally dropped the topic. The proof seemed to have disappeared, most likely fired, and since no one dared ask Sephiroth to verify the rumors everyone eventually moved on.

He'd stopped studying entirely. If he wasn't going to take the exam, he didn't need to care about anything but his basic infantry duties. He started walking the city streets more often and wondering if he was still paranoid or if the mood at Shinra had gotten worse, and not just for him again.

Cloud consistently avoided answering anyone's questions until troop rotations virtually replaced his entire unit again. Because as troops died, were fired, or quit, the fragmented units got reassigned to larger ones so that senior personnel could focus on training new recruits. 

He still had trouble sleeping most nights. He wondered how long it had been since Modeoheim and if he should of at least tried texting or calling him. They hadn't had reception on the mission so there had been no use in exchanging numbers. But he wasn't about to ask Tseng for it either. 

It was another night spent staring at poorly engraved messages from the infantrymen who had laid here before him and observing how they varied poorly no matter which bunk or stall he occupied. He got up, slid his boots on, and set out to wander the hallways for another night in a row.

He didn't go far anymore most nights. He often used the 'I was going to the bathroom' excuse when reported, but most of the time he got by because he knew which floors were patrolled regularly and which weren't. 

When he really didn't want to bother with anyone he sometimes even just paced up and down the empty flights of stairs from the 1st to the 59th until he was too tired to stand. 

That night he'd headed towards the elevator to leave the infantry levels entirely. He stood looking around absentmindedly until the elevator pinged and the doors unveiled an equally surprised man.

“Oh? Is that you, Cloud?”

Cloud was startled by the fact that he'd run in to anyone so soon. He knew the patrol routes after all and no one was supposed to be changing floors at this hour. Except it wasn't a patrolman at all, it was Zack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter is entirely with Zack  
> why I wanted a 33k lead up no one knows


	12. Sacred balance

The 1st class SOLDIER he'd thought had vanished stood in the elevator before him, looking him over with mesmerizing eyes before smiling. 

He realized he must have looked terrified, wide-eyed and frozen by his presence. Zack, on the other hand, looked better than ever. His hair was longer and he wore it slicked back now. He looked much older, but even the deep scar on his face couldn't detract from his perfect features. 

He couldn't stand the deafening silence he'd subjected them to by not answering his question. Emphasized by the irritating sound of the elevator's mechanism threatening to close at any second, he regretted not taking the stairs.

“Zack.” 

Cloud finally articulated. He couldn't bring himself to say anything. He'd rehearsed so many questions in his mind for when this chance might arrive, yet his name is all he'd been able to answer.

“That's me.”

Zack affirmed, still smiling, and Cloud expected the elevator doors to shut the next instant. Leaving him without further explanation or concern.

“Get in.”

He ordered and Cloud was too exhausted to think of an adequate refusal. His own impulse to step forward so quickly surprised him, as if he'd betrayed his own sensibilities.

He'd silently stepped in to the elevator besides Zack who wrapped an arm around his shoulders warmly in response. He hadn't expected the gesture and was left bracing himself. 

Zack looked tired, and the touch seemed sympathetic, yet he couldn't understand how it could feel so familiar. He'd only ever touched his arm once before, if only for a moment. 

Cloud felt pathetic that such a simple gesture could affect him to this extent. He tried not to look up at him. It was difficult enough attempting not to lean in to him despite the weight of his arm coaxing him to give in. 

They stood in silence as they rode the elevator up to the 1st's quarters. As soon as the elevator doors opened the weight of his touch vanished and Zack moved past him.

Cloud followed, just as methodically as in the past. He was thrilled that he could still feel Zack's arm across his shoulders. The contact had been brief, but he started to worry that it shouldn't be possible to feel so much over so little. 

In the dead of the night no one else happened to be wandering the hallways, allowing them to make it to their destination uninterrupted. 

He had no idea what was happening. Then again, he must have already known where they were headed, but when Zack suddenly stopped in front of a door his heart sank.

He felt terrified despite his wish for a chance to talk to the man again. He couldn't tell what it was, only that he felt that he shouldn't be there. That he shouldn't go in. 

The next thing he knew, the taller man had swiped his keycard on the lockpad and had invited him in. He hesitated, but a firm hand on his back had already carried him in.

Zack let out a long loud yawn as soon as the automated door locked behind them, as if he had been holding it in the entire way. Cloud yawned in turn. Of course, yawns were contagious. 

He watched the taller man kick off his boots as he smiled at him yawning in turn. He hated how beautiful his smile was and looked anywhere but at it while he took his own boots off. 

“So you couldn't sleep either?”

Zack laughed after his question. Cloud couldn't help but feel like he didn't want to discuss why either. He watched him fetch two cans from the small cooling unit by his bed and he felt obligated to answer.

“I don't most nights.”

He felt he hadn't answered something honestly in months. The relief only reminded him of how much he'd been lying about these days.

He felt out of place, and regretted sharing. But more than any of that, he couldn't understand what it was about his perfect smile that made him feel like he'd forgotten how to be defensive entirely. 

He felt guilty that it was the other man smiling at him to cheer him up instead of the other way around. It had been so long now and he'd never had the courage to talk to him about Modeoheim.

Zack returned to him and handed him a can. He hadn't strayed far past the entrance. He was still surprised by how large a 1st's living quarters were.

“Here. This should help.”

“Thanks.”

Cloud looked at the cold one. It was a brand of elixir he didn't recognize. He accepted it despite his reservations about it's contents simply because he was afraid it would offend Zack otherwise. Or at least he assumed it would be rude not to drink what he was drinking. 

He hadn't attempted to see if it would help with his insomnia, but with all the hangovers he'd witnessed since joining Shinra, he'd been convinced not to try. 

One drink wouldn't be that bad, and either way he didn't plan on wasting that much of the man's time. Surely he'd ruin whatever this was soon enough.

Zack had been the only person to ever make him feel this conflicted. He needed to try to not ruin this. He told himself again it was just having one drink together. 

He cracked open the can and forced down a gulp as he took in the sights of Zack's room. Unlike the rest of the military's personnel, the 1sts had private living-quarters with all the amenities. 

They were paid far more for their services and they had more liberties when it came to their general freedom. Like not having to wear helmets with built-in cameras all the time on duty.

Then again, he knew that every room in HQ was inevitably bugged. And at this rate he knew that even 1sts weren't exempt from surveillance. 

He glanced around some more, admiring what little decor there was, inevitably scanning walls for invisible cameras. He felt ridiculous for even looking. How could he recognize signs of technology he'd never seen before. 

The technology department was just as secretive as the science department. He wondered what the real death tolls in those departments were compared to the infantry and SOLDIER. He felt terrible at the thought, taking another drink. 

He wondered if Zack was even aware of the company's mass surveillance at all. He felt nauseated by his own persistence to worry. There had been a long standing rumor that once you became SOLDIER, you never left the company other than in a body bag. 

Another popular alternative did seem to be turning in to monsters and vanishing, but he didn't like those odds either. He was increasingly concerned by Zack's chances of coming back from his next mission in one piece. 

“Is everything alright Cloud?”

“..Uh, yeah.”

Cloud hadn't noticed Zack had sat down on his bed while he had stood there looking around at all his things. The bed was larger than any he'd ever seen and occupied most of the space, along with a large storage unit, a desk, chair, several side tables, lamps, and that cooling unit. 

He didn't know what to do with himself. He wanted to know how Zack really was, except he didn't know where to start. He couldn't bring himself to ask about Angeal, but he needed to say something.

It was now or never, he needed to at least try. While fidgeting with his drink he looked over at Zack and tried to sound as calm as possible.

“About Modeoheim..”

“I'm fine now.”

Zack answered quickly, defensively, before motioning for him to come sit besides him. As he approached he watched him move to lean against the headboard to face him.

He complied so easily, and Zack smiled again. He timidly sat at the opposite end of the bed, but he couldn't even look at him anymore because he didn't know what to say.

He took another drink to avoid prying the subject without choosing his words properly. He just wanted him to know he'd listen if he needed him to. 

“How long have you had trouble sleeping?”

“Since I first got here.”

Zack's sudden question had surprised him, but he'd answered honestly. He leaned back on an arm, almost relieved by the precision of his own answer. The relief was momentary however, as he realized he'd just exposed the extent of his pitiful exhaustion. He took another drink in hopes that the unappealing taste would distract him from the look of concern he could see building steadily on the other man's face.

“That was months ago wasn't it? Why can't you sleep?”

“I'm not sure.” 

Cloud answered plainly. But Zack's obvious dissatisfaction pressured him to elaborate.

“I've never been around so many people, for one.”

Zack smiled at that part, but it looked less like he was amused and more of a knowing look. Except when Cloud didn't elaborate further he tried to pinpoint the problem instead.

“So you don't like assemblies? Or you mean your squad mates? Or..”

Zack sounded like he was on a roll and Cloud couldn't bear to have the details of his anxieties enumerated to him so he answered bitterly.

“Everyone.”

“Oh.”

Zack's concerned gaze was finally diverted to the ground. Cloud couldn't bear to see the unintended sadness he'd caused the other man and lowered his eyes as well. They both took another drink in silence. 

Cloud felt guilty of having bluntly lumped Zack in to “everyone”, but it was true in a way. Even Zack made him nervous. He couldn't tell if he honestly enjoyed spending time with him or if it was just as painful as with anyone else. 

He felt so unsure of himself around him, yet he'd never felt anything to the extent that he made him feel anything. It felt completely surreal that he'd somehow raised the bar on every single thing. 

He knew he'd do anything to spend more time with him and it scared him. He was the only person he'd met here who had shown any interest in him. Well, positive interest.

“You don't like being around me either?”

Zack asked softly, and the tinge of sorrow muting his voice was agonizing to hear. The SOLDIER across from him focused on his drink instead of him, patiently waiting for an answer. But Cloud only starred, perplexed as to how to correct himself. 

The brave face that was always usually so bright, so confident, so full of emotion, appeared torn down by a feeling that never should have twisted his features. He felt guilty for having caused the other man to experience anything of what he was feeling at all.

“No. Sorry. I mean, it's just how everyone's always makes me feel. Around you I..” 

Zack hesitantly raised his eyes and Cloud paused, staring down at his drink in an effort to press on.

“I don't even really know? I wanted to see you again. It doesn't matter how I feel otherwise. It's not that you're like everyone else at all. I, uhm.”

Zack seemed instantly reassured despite the uneasiness with which Cloud had trailed off. He regretted admitting he'd been thinking of him since the mission. 

But that was normal right? Who wouldn't want to spend time with a 1st again? His apology had gotten his heart racing again and he took another drink, trying to focus on anything but Zack's smile.

“I knew you didn't mean it.”

“Right.”

Cloud affirmed as decisively as possible, but he couldn't believe what was happening. If such an astounding person wanted him around, then why did everyone else always treat him like such shit? 

At least Zack's overly casual smile made him sigh from relief that maybe they could change topics now. He ran a hand through his hair pushing his uneven bangs aside and found himself smiling back at him.

“What usually helps? There has to be something that can knock you out. What used to get you to sleep, totally without fail, back home?”

“Uh..”

Cloud took another drink to stall while he thought of an answer. Well, of another answer. He was too embarrassed to say the first thing that came to mind. He could tell that Zack wouldn't drop the question, and since the drink tasted awful, he decided to explain instead.

“It was just me and my mom growing up. She used to read for me a lot. I've heard the beginning of some stories so many times and still don't know their endings..”

Zack, satisfied with such a straight forward answer, and adorable mental image, gingerly put his drink down on the cooling unit at the edge of the bed and got up. 

He went to collect the few books he had that weren’t Shinra issued and dropped them on the bed between them. He settled back down, leaning on one arm and gesturing with the other to showcase the selection.

“Pick one. I can read to ya, if you like. But fair warning though, I'm sorta tired too, so I might not do the best job.”

Zack stopped elaborating when he noticed how red the blond's face had gone. He couldn't make out any of the text, and so he picked one of the books based on the cover. 

He wondered what Zack's native language was like, but he was too embarrassed to ask him about it. He couldn't even bring himself to ask what any the books were about. He couldn't let him to do something like this for him.

He'd wanted to decline, but instead he wondered how many languages Zack knew. Most international employees, including himself, only knew their mother tongue and learned English to work for Shinra. 

Zack seemed wildly amused by the fact that he was poorly concealing his face with his bangs while pretending to read the cover. He then leaned in across the bed to snatch the book away from him.

“This one then?”

“Zack..”

“Yes?”

“You really don't have to.”

“I want to.”

He wanted to plead the man not to. He was so embarrassed by the prospect of him somehow coming to his aid when he'd thought about nothing but consoling him first.

Cloud looked up after a long silence. He struggled with the fact that Zack actually wanted to do this for him, but the sight of his bright mako-blue eyes staring back at him sent his heart racing again.

Zack stared for a moment longer, only releasing him from his gaze when he opened the book to start reading. The few books he owned looked as if they'd been read many times. 

Cloud could feel his heart pounding steadily faster while waiting for his voice to fill the silence. He felt his face get even warmer from the suspense and resorted to downing the rest of his drink to try to calm down. 

Under any circumstances, all he knew to do when he started panicking was to get up and walk away. Except that this was the first time in his life that he could feel this much fear and still not want to leave. 

Instead of running he wanted to move closer. Lay up besides him, and listen to him for as long as he could relish the experience. He'd leaned forward after setting his empty can down but caught himself before he could make a fool out of himself.

He felt childish, and even naive at the thought that he wanted to get closer. He felt that somehow Zack wouldn't be upset even if he did try, but that feeling soon made him sick.

He leaned back on an arm, attempting to steady himself from the sudden unease. He had to remind himself that listening to a bed-time story from a superior was probably not really normal. 

He was too tired to keep caring so much at this point and wished his nausea would go away. He stared at the cover to avoid looking at him until he finally spoke up again.

“It's called The Sacred Balance. It's about rediscovering our place in nature and stuff. It's really cool actually, it talks about all the elements you'll see. I think you'll like the chapter on fire.”

The book began with myths of how human beings came to exist on Gaia before delving in to our evolutionary background. He'd picked the cover because it had had diagrams of earth in orbit on the cover, but he hadn't expected the book to be so insightful.

As much as he was enjoying the story, he was even more curious as to what the SOLDIER really intended to accomplish by reading to him. He didn't think something so simple would even work, but how could he disrespect him by refusing to let him try?

Zack continued reading, rarely glancing up at him between paragraphs. He understood by his hesitant pacing that translating as he read might be a new challenge for him. One that he appeared to be taking very seriously.

Zack didn't read in the tone that he'd expected with regards to how serious the content was, but for some reason it didn't feel wrong either. After several more pages he'd sunk further down, despite trying not to actually doze off.

He accepted a pillow that Zack tossed him and he use it to lean down more comfortably. Trying to keep his eyes open until the older man got bored of reading to him. 

Cloud ended up focusing on the sound of the SOLDIER's voice instead of the story. He still wondered what language the people of Gongaga spoke. He'd ask him when he'd get tired of reading to him. Surely this wouldn't go on for much longer. 

Despite the few mistakes in pronunciation, or hesitant translations, his soft voice had effectively knocked him out. He wondered how it was possible to put so much passion or tenderness in to what seemed like such an old fashioned story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book I'm referencing is The Sacred Balance by David Suzuki. I'm reading it right now and it's amazingly grounding. I highly recommended it for anyone who wants to read about climate change or just our place in nature. It's surprisingly romantic too so I'm going to be using it as a plot point in future chapters. You can all thank Suzuki that this fic somehow got much fluffier than intended


	13. Sleeping on a Cloud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow 40k why aren't we at Junon yet

The next thing Cloud knew, it definitely was no longer nighttime, and no dreams had followed him back to reality that morning. It had been the high pitched sound of an incoming text message that had woken him up. 

He scanned the unfamiliar room in search of the disturbance, unsure if it had been his phone or not, only to come to the realization that he'd fallen asleep in Zack's bed. 

Zack Fair, 1st class SOLDIER. The man that was everything he wasn't. Everything he'd wanted to be. He was so much more than all the glory of his rise to fame.

Last night Cloud hadn't believed for an instant that their experiment would work. He'd expected to go back to his quarters after an hour or so. He hadn't really expected Zack to let him stay. 

Yet there he was, safe, snug, warm, and more rested than he'd felt in years. It was only when he realized that the weight and warmth surrounding him was actually from Zack's body that he started to panic. 

It appeared that Zack had joined him at the other end of the bed before falling asleep himself. He could hear him breathing steadily behind him and he froze, hoping he wouldn't wake him up. 

As the instinct to run away rushed back to the forefront of his mind, he jerked forward to leave before Zack could realize how close they'd been, and promptly failed. 

He hadn't been able to move because a very strong arm was wrapped around his shoulder and down his chest. It looked like Zack hadn't bothered moving him off the covers and just threw a spare blanket over them instead.

He struggled to calm down, working through why he wanted to run when he didn't even know where he should be instead of here. He had no idea what time it was, but judging by how well rested he felt and by the amount of sunlight pouring in to the room, it had to be way later than he could even fear to estimate. 

Cloud couldn't get his heart to stop racing, squirming in an attempt to get away. The full weight of Zack's body leaning against his terrified him. It wasn't that he feared being crushed, or that he thought he might intend to restrain him further, it was simply the sensation of his body pressed up against his that felt obscene.

He wanted none of him and all of him at the same time. He abstained from moving his body further. He was rendered helpless by the fear of waking him, yet couldn't help himself from tilting his face down to the arm that trapped him. 

He pressed his cheek against his arm cautiously at first, but as soon as he'd brushed against him he moved in to the touch and his lips caressed his soft skin softly. He felt he'd gone too far and pulled away. 

He prayed that he hadn't just felt that and that he wouldn't wake up just yet. He could feel his face burning up and let out a sigh, although it sounded more like a moan since he'd been holding his breath.

Cloud felt the urgency to flee again, quickly trying to think back over how he even got in to this position in the first place. He was compelled that he must be misreading the situation. He'd never considered that Zack might feel the same way towards him. 

Surely he'd only rolled over by mistake. Or maybe sleeping this close was just something friends did sometimes. And friends shouldn't enjoy being trapped beneath their friends, right?

Cloud's heart started racing again. What if it was the other way around and he'd misread that Zack's intentions weren't platonic at all? That couldn't be. He couldn't handle this. He needed to get out. 

He tried to move out from underneath his arm again but trying to lift it only shifted his weight further against him. He almost groaned out of frustration but kept quiet.He felt weaker by the second, trying to push his arm down instead had proven just as useless. 

Struggling against him had only made him alarmingly aware of the massive hard-on pressed against the back of his thigh. He stopped struggling, but it was too late, he'd managed to wake him up and Zack only pulled him in closer in response.

“Mmm.. Mornin'.”

Zack's greeting was muffled by the pillow he had buried his face in to. He leaned away, yawning lazily for a moment before rolling back in to a more comfortable position. He tilted his head down to rest against the back of Cloud's neck and remained otherwise motionless.

Cloud was frozen as the taller man's body moved against his. The sensation of hot breath down his neck was torturous. He'd already started to feel too warm, but now it felt like he'd pass out from the contact and heat if he didn't get out of bed.

Zack seemed content with going right back to sleep after such a plain greeting. He couldn't stand this for much longer and asked his next question while trying to lean away to get out of his grasp.

“What time is it?”

“..Hm?”

Zack hesitated at first, as if he hadn't understood the question, when really he was trying to remember where he put his cellphone. He pushed himself up on an elbow and reached over Cloud for the device on the end table besides them.

“..like 8:00.”

Once Zack had accomplished the task he'd just as soon dropped the phone and laid back down with a yawn. Despite his momentary freedom, Cloud hadn't had a chance to react from the shock of Zack's bare chest hovering above him.

Zack tugged at the blanket that appeared to be sliding off the bed before bringing his arm lazily back down across Cloud's chest, leaning in to him to promptly go back to sleep. 

“How did you get all those scars?”

Zack asked a few moments later and Cloud flinched at the question. He hadn't expected him to ask about them since he usually kept them covered. 

He must have gotten a good look at them down the back of his shirt and he wasn't sure how to respond. He didn't want to bring up the slums, because he didn't want him to know that he already knew about Aerith.

“You don't have to answer.”

Zack tried to reassure him when he'd received no response, but all he could do was try to lean away from him. He tried forcing himself to think of anything else, but he had no clue how to react to what was happening.

The sight of his perfectly defined chest that had suddenly hovered above him when he'd asked the time had left him dizzy and wanting another look. He felt himself start to get hard and resumed panicking instead. 

He was thankful to feel that he was still fully clothed, which meant that all he needed was his boots that he'd left by the door to get out of this mess. His heart pounded steadily. It was way past morning training, so far past that he was going to be late for his early shift if he didn't go get geared up soon.

“I have to go.”

Cloud spoke up, even if his voice was barely a whisper. He tried to move out from beneath his hold again, but it was clear that Zack was far stronger when he wasn't sleeping, making no effort to release him.

“Hmm.. What is it?”

“I'm late.”

Cloud tried to clarify, but he couldn't contain the second wave of terror that urged him to get out of his bed. He didn't want to explain. He felt as if he'd lose it if he had to. 

Zack easily restrained him by simply not moving his arm away. The SOLDIER's bright eyes were still hazy with sleep and he turned to yawn in to his pillow before mumbling in to the back of his neck again.

“Can't you take a day off, or something? This is nice.”

“A what?”

Cloud tried to turn around to look at him incredulously even though he couldn't turn far enough. Everyone worked 7 days a week, 12 hours a day on average with over-time measures. There was no such thing as a day off if you weren't 1st Class. 

He wanted to look at him to see if he was serious, but he couldn't with the way Zack held him. Instead he felt Zack nuzzle in to his back softly before tailing the tip of his nose up the length of his neck. He'd never known he was ticklish until he felt his lips brush up behind his ear. 

“I've never met someone like you before.”

Zack's voice and breath felt warmer than before, sending another shiver down his spine. He'd almost let out a gasp, mulling over how painful the contrast between his tone and his words had felt instead.

He hated being different. He felt so small constrained by him like this. Even so, he wasn't about to keep struggling against one of the strongest men in the company. He didn't want to seem even weaker than he probably already did to him.

“Like me?”

He finally managed to respond, unable to mask his uneasiness in his tone. He could only lean away hoping he wouldn't honestly answer his question. He didn't want to know what it was that had brought them together.

“I don't know.”

Zack started, with more confidence than his first admission.

“Things feel different with you. Like I can tell you anything.”

Zack explained before nuzzling in to his back again. He remained frozen, unsure of how to respond as always. He wanted to agree with him, but he also wanted to get away before he could agree with anything else. 

“It's nice, right?”

The words that were mumbled in to his back confused him. He wanted to find a way to get away without offending the older man's sudden affections, except he still had no idea how to. 

“huh?”

He had lost his train of thought, he couldn't focus anymore. Zack lulled his head back up lazily to clarify, holding him tighter to emphasize what he'd meant. His hot lips touched his skin again and he swore he must have felt his entire body shiver against his.

“This.”

Zack clarified and Cloud didn't have the will to protest the fact. He still hadn't accepted that Zack was even really spooning him intentionally. Yet he had just admitted to enjoying it. 

“You looked like you really needed to catch up on some sleep. You slept all right, right?”

Zack continued talking sleepily behind his ear before trailing his lips back down the length of his neck all the way to his shoulder. He felt him smile against his skin and remained paralyzed by his embrace. 

He felt that his question had sounded so incredibly smug just then, evidently taking full credit for getting him to sleep. There was no doubt left, he was thoroughly enjoying whatever this was.

He couldn't go through with it. Not like this. And especially not while they were certainly being monitored. He couldn't let this drag out any longer. Everyone was working overtime and he'd just vanished in the night and skipped out on training.

He needed to answer, but he was still too anxious to give in. His lips against his skin had left an exposed path that felt like it had been set on fire. He wondered why he still wanted to run while he tried his best to give a neutral response.

“Yeah. Did you?” 

He managed an even tone, despite his terror at how much he wanted to twist around in any capacity to embrace him. He couldn't understand how Zack could be so careless, whereas he felt like he'd been caught in some sort of trap. 

“Next to you, who wouldn't?”

Zack had responded just as smugly as before and felt Cloud tense up at his response. He couldn't help but chuckle lightly in to his shoulder. He was only starting to see just how flustered Cloud was and he loved how red his face had become.

He hadn't thought twice about spooning the night before. Although, he hadn't expected waking up enjoying it quite to that extent. Now all he wanted was for Cloud to stay. He wasn't sure he'd convinced him yet, but the sight of the younger man blushing and squirming from every touch had him in high spirits.

“Why don't you take the whole morning instead of rushing off?”

“I'm going to be in so much shit.”

“Worse than you already are?”

Zack sighed happily when his question received no further opposition from the blond. Moving over only to turn him towards him.

He smiled and Cloud couldn't help but smile back despite his surprise from being rolled on to his back. Thankfully, it was inexplicable how many anxieties that kind smile managed to take away from him every time he saw it. 

There was something about how sincerely he looked at him that made him feel like things could be alright, even though none of what they were doing felt right. 

Cloud couldn't believe that a SOLDIER he'd practically just met had successfully lead him to and held him in his bed so effortlessly. He wondered how often he did this sort of thing. 

He'd never been this close to anyone before, but the way Zack held him made it seem as if it was the most natural thing in the world. He wished he would make him feel weightless too someday.

He felt progressively more confused as to what to do next. Hadn't he wanted something like this to happen all along? How had he gotten here so fast. Was Zack even trying to read him at all? He felt afraid, and excited, and everything in between.

He couldn't breathe while he watched Zack's hand lazily stray down his chest. He felt him caress him hesitantly and trail fingertips down his stomach until he was certain it was only a matter of seconds before it would be too late to turn back.

He'd closed his eyes, but instead he felt him trace his way back up across his stomach and move past his chest to his collarbone. He tried to focus on his breathing, too afraid to say anything, even though he'd just been given yet another opportunity to stop all of this.

Cloud was certain that Zack must feel his heart pounding back in his chest in response to his touch. He felt terrible, not only by his current state of arousal, but of his own lack of volition to get away from him. 

Did he want to go work? No. Did he dislike Zack? No. He was trying to think of the appropriate excuse as to decline staying in bed with him all morning when he felt hot lips brush up against his ear again and his eyes shot open.

“You still haven't thanked me for my exceptional skills as an orator, by the way.”

Cloud felt like his heart was going to leave his body at this point. Zack's warm face so close to his own made him flinch away and respond far too quickly in an attempt to placate his own reaction.

“Thank you.”

This was too much. He needed to end this. For some reason the urgency of getting away from the SOLDIER seemed just as unreal as the urgency of wanting the SOLDIER to touch him in the first place. 

“All in a day's work.”

Zack chimed back, but Cloud wasn't looking at him anymore. He let out another soft yawn before he leaned in again, pressing his lips against his exposed neck. 

He had hoped a few light kisses would bring his attention back to him. But when they didn't, Zack leaned further up and peered at him. He couldn't believe how cute the flustered look on his face was. 

He brought his other hand up from his chest and turned Cloud's chin slowly to face him again. He leaned in and placed his lips on Cloud's just as gently as the kisses he'd left against his neck. 

Zack had never kissed anyone before, but he'd wanted nothing more than to try in that instant. Cloud's lips were insatiably soft beneath his. When he didn't feel any push back from the younger man he moved on top of him to deepen the kiss, pulling half the blanket down in the process. 

Their blue eyes finally met again after a long kiss. Cloud couldn't focus on anything except how bare his lips felt from the sudden absence of contact and how much the rest of his body felt compromised beneath him.

Everything became a blur of blinding heat and lack of control. Zack's beautiful face, his bare chest, and his exponentially large boner rubbing up against his own where all making him question why Zack was doing any of this to him of all people. 

He'd never felt this good before. He wanted to pull his full weight down on top of him. Despite the overwhelming sensation of being trapped, he started to wish to be crushed instead. 

He didn't know what to do with himself. He felt sick for wanting to be hurt by him. The only reason people usually got anywhere near him was to hurt him. He couldn't settle the mixed emotions of fear and excitement in his gut and he couldn't keep looking up those bright blue eyes that seemed so sure of themselves.

He felt as though his own pale blue eyes, that were persistently sad, dull, and downcast, were a mockery compared to his. Why was Zack doing any of this to him? There was nothing appealing about him.

Cloud kept his eyes averted and kept wondering if he was really alright with that sudden kiss. His first kiss. He hadn't given any serious thought to kissing before, but even so, he felt guilty that he'd enjoyed it so much.

He had no idea how to respond to it, especially since Zack seemed so pleased with himself. He told himself he should just be flattered a SOLDIER was even interested in him in the first place. 

He couldn't quite understand how that should feel like. Despite his efforts to rationalize what was happening, his conflicting thoughts about his first kiss were soon interrupted by a second kiss.

Zack had caressed his cheek before he cupped his face and turned it back to meet his once more. Kissing him just as slowly as the first time. 

He felt heavier on top of him in that instant, as if both the kiss and his body were threatening to suffocate him. Struggling against him only made him moan in to the kiss. 

He hated any form of involuntary action and the sound of his own voice felt aberrant to him. Zack thankfully smiled in to the kiss and he had a moment to gasp for air. 

Zack couldn't help but laugh softly at how breathless he'd rendered Cloud beneath him before trailing kisses down the side of his face in an effort to comfort him. 

Cloud was embarrassed, he didn't even know how to kiss properly, but that didn't seem to bother Zack, whom only waited a moment longer for Cloud to catch his breath before leaning back in. 

Cloud let Zack's lips claim his again and tried to stop struggling under his weight. He could feel Zack was just as aroused as he was and the more their bodies continued to grind against each other the more he felt he was going to lose it. 

He didn't want to think of what would happen if they went any further. He tried to interrupt the kiss, but as soon as he had opened his mouth he felt Zack's tongue run against his parted lips before sliding in. 

The strong tongue that slid in against his was delectable to the extent of intoxication. Even though he still felt all the stress that had built up that morning urging him to run away, he couldn't stop himself from kissing back. 

He let soft moans continue to escape as the kiss deepened and he knew he wasn't thinking. Pulling one instant, pushing the next, he needed to stop and managed to slide his hands up to separate them. 

He felt like he would suffocate if he kept getting overwhelmed by him. He tried to push him off again, but the hands that he had urgently managed to wedge between them were still far too weak to displace him. 

His slid his hands up over the curves of the firm chest that he'd been certain he'd wanted to escape from only a moment ago. He slid them all the way around his shoulders and neck, holding on to him instead.

As their kiss continued Cloud wrestled with keeping quiet. Every motion of their hips grinding together and their tongues intertwining had him holding on tighter. 

The overwhelming sensation of pleasure and complicity had him ready to cum any moment now and he didn't care in the slightest how it had all started anymore. 

Cloud felt a strong hand trail down his side and his body flinched in response before they could trail back up beneath his shirt. Zack leaned back to let Cloud arch further running his fingers over the length of his spine.

Zack finally pulled away from their kiss and watched Cloud pant to catch his breath. He slid another hand up his shirt and pulled it gently over his head, discarding it on the floor. 

Cloud barely registered what had just happened since he had to let go of Zack's neck in the process and before he knew it he was bracing himself on his elbows while Zack trailed kisses down his chest.

“Zack..”

“Yes, Cloud?”

Zack stopped to answer, pulling back to sit upright on top of him. Cloud stared back up at him in shock at just how large his erection was. He felt flattered by his reaction and reached down to undo his pants, wanting nothing more than to show him exactly how hard he'd made him when his cellphone went off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the Tseng is a cockblock trope


	14. Manipulated memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud finds out too much

Cloud practically yelled from surprise at the sound of the incoming call. Inching away beneath Zack unsuccessfully, seeing as he was already at the edge of the bed. 

Zack groaned loudly at the interruption before reaching over to grab his phone from the end table, not bothering to move off the younger man to answer.

“Yes?”

“You're needed in the science department.”

“I'm busy right now.”

Cloud wanted to die. He could overhear the voice on the other end of the call, and he knew it was Tseng, and he did not sound happy at Zack's dismissal.

“I can see that.”

“Huh? What do you mean, you can see that?”

Zack asked incredulously. He really was clueless. He'd even glanced around the room as if Tseng had somehow snuck in at one point or another. 

“I meant, listen, it doesn't matter, report to the lab immediately.”

“Huh?”

Zack seemed more confused than frustrated that Tseng had hung up on him. He'd wanted to press him on whether or not they could just use someone else for the tests but he was left hanging. Literally, by the time the call ended he'd gone soft and begrudgingly got off of Cloud and out of bed. 

“Sorry. It's uh, important, apparently..”

Cloud was left shocked, and embarrassed, siting up in bed, watching him apologize. He wanted to tell him the truth about the company, but he just as soon couldn't bare to be the one to break it to him him that Tseng hadn't misspoke. 

Besides, he needed to talk to him outside of HQ if he was going to say anything at all. He watched as Zack put a new shirt on and fastened his belt and armor over top. He then fetched the shirt that he'd removed and discarded earlier and handed it back to him with a smile.

He took it, averting his eyes from embarrassment, then watching him disappear the next moment in to what he could only assume was his own bathroom. He'd put his shirt back on and sat on the edge of the bed in defeat. How could he realistically tell him anything when the entire building was bugged?

He couldn't help but be angry at Tseng for ordering him away, even if he wasn't certain of the purpose of the order. He wanted to expose all of them. For thinking that they could orchestrate other people's lives as they saw fit. 

He had no idea what to do with his anger. He couldn't possibly go against Shinra and make it out alive. More importantly, he couldn't risk compromising Zack. In other words, he was too afraid to tell him.

Zack returned and knelt down in front of him when he hadn't looked up, offering a smile. Cloud admired his lazily touched-up eyeliner, distracted for an instant by his beauty before the familiar contact of his hands made him wish he wasn't still being touched in front of them. 

His strong hands stroked his thighs before resting on his knees in an effort to comfort him. Instead he felt sick, looking down at his hands instead of at him in an effort to steady himself. 

“I really am sorry. You can stay as long as you like even though I have to dash, all right?”

Zack offered but he didn't know what to do next. When Zack leaned in slowly, just as he had earlier that morning, he moved a hand up to cover his mouth with his fist before he'd even closed his eyes. 

The gesture had seemed so sudden to Zack, who blinked and moved back. Cloud felt guilty for distancing himself despite his overwhelming unease. He watched the other man simply raise his arm up to his and tapped their forearms together gently.

“Like this then?”

He asked, hopeful, in some sort of effort to meet him half way. Cloud couldn't help but smile again when he realized he'd somehow matched his defensive gesture and turned it in to something entirely new.

Zack stood back up, satisfied with the smile he'd received and made his way over to the entrance to put his boots back on. By the time he'd turned back to him, Cloud had already gotten up to do the same.

“I had to get going too anyways. I'll just leave with you.”

“Oh. Right. Okay.”

Zack rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, he hadn't realized he'd been keeping the younger man from anything important. He worried that it meant he'd wanted to leave the entire time.

Once Cloud had slipped his boots on they'd stepped out in to the hallway. Several SOLDIER who happened to be passing through looked at them with a mix of confusion, surprise, disdain, and amusement. 

Zack smiled at them as if he didn't notice their reactions at all. In his defense, over half of them were wearing helmets, but Cloud could tell he'd be hearing about this later.

“Cloud.”

Zack spoke up and he almost jumped, glancing up at him as they walked towards the elevator.

"Huh?"

“I hope I didn't.. uh.”

He looked for his next words shyly, looking back over his shoulder at the other men they'd passed by, making sure that they couldn't hear.

“I have to tell you something.”

Cloud said instead, taking Zack by surprise who'd hesitated once they'd reached the elevator for a moment. He pressed the the down button before turning back to him to finish what he'd wanted to say.

“I have to tell you something first. I've never done something like that before and I-”

“Me neither.”

Zack's eyes were full of surprise and relief, whereas Cloud looked away, embarrassed by their admissions. This isn't what he'd wanted to talk about. He hadn't even noticed the doors to the elevator had opened when Zack pushed him in.

Cloud selected the button for his unit's floor and leaned against the wall, trying to form any semblance of a plan that wouldn't make him sound crazy. Zack hit one of the buttons as well before turning to face him.

“I want to see you again.”

Zack smiled at Cloud's request, moving in closer. He placed his hands on the wall on either side of him, if only to prevent himself from touching him again.

“I'd like that too.”

Zack responded gleefully. He looked so happy, but he couldn't help glancing as the numbers dialed down on the monitor behind him. Every second he knew he risked never getting a chance like this again.

He raised both of his hands weakly at first up to the man's suspenders and pulled him closer, leaning up to his ear to clarify himself.

“I need to see you outside of HQ. I'll wait for you tonight in sector 8.”

“Hm? Where do you want to go?”

Zack asked curiously, not realizing that they'd already reached floor 49 and the doors had sung open behind him. Cloud nervously tried to explain when he could see that there were people waiting by the science lab down the hall. 

“It's not safe to talk in HQ.”

Zack chuckled at the sudden alarming statement the younger man had whispered in to his ear and pulled back gently to look at him when he'd let go. He didn't understand why he looked so worried, so he gave him his best smile.

“Don't worry. I'll keep you safe. Promise.” 

Cloud felt like he was going to faint. He felt light-headed, even though he knew full well it wasn't possible to keep promises like that. He could only watch the man as he walked away before the elevator doors slammed shut.

He'd been so out of sorts he hadn't even come up with an alibi yet by the time he'd reached his unit. Everyone's attention was on him again when he entered and he heard his captain shout.

“Strife!”

He froze, and the man walked up to him with heavy steps.

“Absent all night. Again?”

“...”

“Are you trying to tell me you think you can do this job without adequate rest?”

“No, sir.”

“Then where were you all night?”

He glanced away again, he hated being questioned.

“Well? Did you leave HQ again?”

“No, sir.”

“You better not be lying.”

The older man groaned in frustration when he didn't get a response.

“Look. I don't know how your other captains let so much shit slide. If you're absent from any more contracted hours you will be fired.”

“It won't happen again, sir.”

His captain then brushed past him and walked out, discouraged from the sight of him. The few men who had witnessed the scene then felt obligated to comment.

“Wow Strife. It was nice knowing you.

One laughed.

“Where the fuck were you again?”

Another pressed, but he walked past them to get changed. He needed to get to his shift or like his captain had just threatened, he'd really get fired.

“Hey man. Come on. Why do you have to be like that.”

One complained.

“Yeah. You know we're just going to find out anyways.”

Cloud finished getting his gear and put his helmet on before turning back to them.

“I was with Zack Fair.”

He walked out of their quarters before the other men could finish shouting incoherently to question him further. He hurried back to the elevator, trying to reassure himself that they'd of found out by the end of the day either way, and that there wasn't anything worse they could do to him at this rate.

His shift had been uneventful. He agonized about what to do next. He wasn't sure Zack had even taken his request seriously. And even if he did meet him, would he believe him?

By the time he'd dropped his gear and got out to Sector 8, there were only a few hours left before curfew and the situation left him panicking again. He found a bench to sit down and attempted to sort himself out. It didn't matter if Zack showed up or not, all that mattered was that he waited.

He knew he'd keep waiting, even if he didn't show up tonight. He'd wait every night, but he couldn't come to grips with why it felt like it was already too late. They knew he knew. They knew he'd try to tell him.

Cloud was holding his head in an attempt to ride out the wave of sudden nausea that gripped him. He couldn't manage to shake the fear and sitting still wasn't helping. He started walking through the streets instead.

It hadn't been so much that he'd preferred motion, it was safer to say that he was only finding it increasingly challenging to stay in any spot for too long when he was spiraling out and the urge to run couldn't be contained.

He waded through the busy streets of the city, returning periodically to the entrance to scout for him. Even though his panic subsided he still didn't know how to prove anything to Zack.

There was still no sight of him in the main square and he started to despair. What if he didn't believe him and reported him for slander instead? He'd be fired, or worse.

He felt that at least if he was fired trying to keep him safe, it would be worth it. Even if it ruined anything they might of had, and even if he ended up murdered, he felt it was ultimately the right decision.

He'd walked for hours, worrying, and agonizing over the incredible man who'd effortlessly changed his life. He didn't know how else to describe it anymore. He could still feel him all over his body, as if they'd parted only moments ago.

Every time he returned to the square and there was still no sign of him his resolve sank lower. He rounded the area once again, just to be sure Zack hadn't hid anywhere if he'd actually taken what he'd said seriously.

He was certain there was no sign of the SOLDIER, but it was then that he noticed a suspicious man in a black suit who appeared to be tailing him. He had no idea how long he'd been following him, but he was sure he'd seen him somewhere before.

He hurried through unused streets, and down a staircase as a test to try to lose the man, but when he heard footsteps following him down the steps he stopped before the next set and turned to face him.

He looked suspicious, and not only because of his fire-red hair and face tattoos, but because his shirt was sloppily undone in addition to lacking a tie. He hadn't wanted to be right, but it looked like the man had to be a Turk.

The man walked down the stairs towards him slowly when he'd turned to face him. He seemed entirely too amused about the confrontation. The closer he got the further Cloud backed away despite his resolve to stand his ground.

The man only stopped once his back hit the brick wall behind him. He looked him over, but stopped smiling once he met his gaze. He saw fear and an unsustainable anger that was starting to build.

“Just lookin' at you is makin' me sick yo.”

Cloud looked away after the remark. He felt he hated the man's voice more than he hated the sight of him. 

“Name's Reno, of the Turks.”

The man looked proud, but he responded crudely.

“What do you want?”

“Oh. What's this?”

Reno scoffed, taking a step away, as if he was going to keel over and laugh before looking back at him dramatically.

“They said you didn't talk back.”

Cloud grit his teeth and looked away again. He regretted not having at least tried to get back to HQ before the Turk could catch up to him. He clearly had no idea what he was doing.

“Yo. Stop that. You're fuckin' makin' me sick again.”

The man lamented, and he sighed in response. Glaring steadily back at him, impatient to get whatever this was over with.

“What do you want.”

Cloud repeated. He felt his voice shake and he couldn't tell if it was out of rage or fear. All he knew is that the man had heard him waiver and took another step closer, leaning in with a crooked smile.

“I have a message to deliver from the boss.”

Reno laughed at the surprised look he received. Resting his forearm against the wall he leaned in further to explain.

“You know we heard your little plan in the elevator right?”

Cloud felt faint. His lungs appeared to have given out again, and he couldn't feel himself anymore. 

“He's not coming. We erased your warning.”

He felt his knees about to give out as tears burned his eyes. How could they erase it? The next thing he knew he couldn't condone the proximity of the Turk or the reality he'd just cemented for him. The thought of Zack's memory being toyed with enraged him.

He lashed out and shoved as hard as he could. The other man was caught off balance for an instant. He could have run, but instead the mounting adrenaline urged him to shove again, to hit back, to do SOMETHING. If not in retaliation for whatever bullshit this was, then for all the times he'd wanted to punch back like he used to.

He'd only stopped fighting back when he'd gotten hired by Shinra because he feared disciplinary measures. In the past he'd never let anyone talk down to him and it had often resulted in fist fights over inane details he wished had never come up.

He swung, but the other man was faster, and hit him back hard enough to send him stumbling back. Before he could reorient himself he felt his arm get twisted up behind his back, then the sudden impact of a brick wall. He screamed. His arm felt like it was going to break and he couldn't hold in the pain.

“Not the smartest tool in the shed are you? You know I could just have you fired for that, right?”

Reno lightened his grip only enough to get him to stop yelling and groaning in pain when his threat hadn't done the trick. He still had work to do and couldn't risk attracting a crowd. He leaned in to get a better look at his pained face and returned to his amused tone.

“But, orders are orders. I'm just here to tell you to stay away from our latest 1st Class hero-wannabe.”

The Turk laughed, loosening his grip slightly, he ran his other hand through the blond's hair, pushing his face up against the wall harder.

“You can imagine what kind of an asset he is to the company. You shouldn't complicate the position you've put yourself in.”

He chuckled again.

“Besides, he's certainly not going to keep you safe. Look at yourself now. What a stupid promise to make to someone.”

He let go of his hair and looked like he was reaching for something.

“So don't pull any shit like that again, or I'll see to it that you never work another day in your life.”

The Turk struck a metal rod down against the brick next to his face and he flinched from the sudden impact. He couldn't feel anything except his heart racing and the pain from his arm being twisted.

“I don't understand what he sees in you. But if thicc SOLDIER cock is all you're after, I'm willing to improvise, for the sake of the company.”

He scraped the rod down against the brick before sliding it up between his legs, pressing the base of the rod up against him to make a point. Except when he received no response, he twisted his arm a little further just to get him to at least groan in pain.

Reno leaned in and licked his neck next, watching the horrified and disgusted looks on the blond's tear-streaked face as he bit in to his neck, moaning at each groan or cry he extracted from him.

“Not interested, huh? Too bad. Just keep quiet.”

Cloud was in so much pain that the bites only made him feel sick. He felt the rod grind in to him, threatening to enter him despite his slacks. It took everything he had not to start sobbing when suddenly the other man kissed him.

He'd tried to move away, but hadn't been able to before he sloppily forced his lips on to his, pushing his tongue in to his mouth. He tasted like ash and rye. He whimpered in to the kiss before panicking and biting down on his tongue. 

The taste of blood filled his mouth as the Turk groaned in pain. When he pulled away from him he managed to kick one of his knees out to gain some leverage back on his arm, breaking free.

He hadn't made it far, when in the next instant he felt something hard strike his side and electricity coursed through his body. He could only watch the Turk laugh as he collapsed to his knees before falling to the ground. The rod he'd assaulted him with sparked with electricity besides him.

His entire body had seized and he felt like he'd been broken in to pieces from the inside-out. He thought he’d hallucinated the music that suddenly muffled the man’s horrible laughter. But it was really a phone and Reno concealed his weapon before answering.

“Ya?”

Cloud had forgotten to even attempt to move again. The overwhelming pain had left him paralyzed until the reflex to run returned. He watched as the redhead spat blood to the ground.

“Almost.”

Reno sounded impatient. He needed to get away from him, but struggled to even push himself back to his knees. He'd wanted to give up when he saw how much blood was still dripping down his face, unaware that his nose had started bleeding.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve got it covered.”

Reno hung up suddenly and turned back to him. He came and stood over him, grabbing a fist full of hair to twist his head back, forcing him to look up at him.

“Listen up..”

The Turk started, but was interrupted by the sound of footsteps approaching. He looked back over his shoulder the next instant to shout at whoever it was.

“OI. Move along!”

Cloud couldn’t see. He couldn’t turn with how far the other man had been pulling his head back. When their eyes met again he could only see contempt and he wished he could do something, but he couldn't even feel the tears rolling down his face anymore.

“I need a god damn drink." He spat out blood again. "You’re lucky you’re still useful to the company. For now.”

He couldn’t be sure of what was happening anymore. He felt an incredible wave of vertigo that urged him to pass out.

“As long as you listen to the boss, we’ll leave you alone.”

He let go of his hair after his warning. Cloud then collapsed at his feet.

“Besides, you don’t have to worry about Zack. The boss takes very, very good care of him, then erases it all afterwards. Says it wouldn’t be professional otherwise.”

Reno laughed at the horrified look he received.

“I don’t know why I’m telling you all this.”

Reno sneered at him. 

"Just stay out of sight." 

He watched the Turk leave and couldn't move for a long time. It felt futile, but returning to HQ that night had been the hardest decision he'd ever made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the turks are assholes, 
> 
> a story by me


	15. Stay away from SOLDIER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My sincere apologies to all Kunsel fans  
> Everyone's an asshole in my fic

Cloud returned to headquarters without anyone picking up on him or his bloodied state. He swiped his clearance card, keeping his head low, and hurried.

He still had time left before curfew, but he needed to clean himself up first. He couldn't control the rising urge to vomit and thought he wouldn't make it several times before finally reaching his destination.

He locked himself in to the nearest lavatory and dropped to his knees and hurled. Cloud was soon rendered to dry heaving. He felt completely off since his run in with Reno.

He told himself it had to be from the electrocution. He'd never felt that sick after getting beaten before. He hadn't done anything worse than he'd already received before, right?

He thought of the way he'd kissed him, and although he couldn't taste the blood in his mouth anymore, he gagged violently. His stomach had nothing left to give, and so all he could do was force himself back up.

Once he'd managed to wash up he made his way to a spare storage unit he kept stocked with medical supplies. He changed his bloodied shirt and took anti-nausea medication before using some of the items to disinfect the cuts on his face.

He didn't care about the pain anymore. He could barely feel the stinging as he bandaged himself up. He only wished he wasn't there at all.

Once he'd finished he looked at the time and calculated how long it'd take him to get back to his unit. There was still plenty of time. 

He took some painkillers for the swelling and pressed his forehead against the cool metal casing of the storage unit. He closed his eyes, wishing he hadn't ever gotten involved with Shinra at all.

After throwing out any evidence of the altercation, he walked back to his unit only moments before the lights would go out. His captain sighed at the sight of him before returning to whatever he was doing.

"Wow. What the fuck happened to you?"

One squad mate's question had prompted everyone else to try to get a look at him but he just kept his head low and any discourse was soon cut short when the room went pitch black. 

He laid on his back in his bunk, wondering how he'd made it so far in to this hellhole as to actually appreciate the mandatory curfew. Even so, there would be no escaping the next morning and the questions it always brought. 

At least for once he didn't let his apprehension keep him up all night. The medication and exhaustion did him in quickly.

He'd barely registered the alarm the next morning. Everything hurt, and yet again he had to pretend that it didn't.

Just getting his gear on had been arduous. His left arm hurt so much from being twisted up behind his back for so long that he could barely handle his equipment properly.

Training was a nightmare yet he pushed through it. He had convinced himself somehow that he needed to try again to make it at Shinra. He ignored questions and hung back.

It had become a habit of his to always be the last to enter the showers after training. Most rushed in and out to be able to go eat. The habit had started when he'd usually be the one they decided to chew out the longest after training.

When he realised that most rushed in and out and out of the facilities, and that they were practically empty afterwards, he made it a habit to always hang back.

By now he didn't care who else was around, he just prefered when it wasn't crowded. Except after beatings, when he knew his body was covered in evidence, then he hated being seen.

Hanging back didn't make him any less of a target. Those that intended to plague him simply hung back as well, but at least there were less witnesses this way.

He'd managed to ignore everyone up until he had to change the bandage on his face, to which one of the men who'd gotten a good look at him took a few steps closer.

"Did that SOLDIER do that to you?"

Cloud had already turned away and was thankful, he couldn't have hid the panic he felt from the question. He tried to go on about his business, but a few more insisted in knowing what had happened.

"That 1st class guy thinks he can push you around?"

"Let me see too."

"The fuck did SOLDIER do?"

Cloud wanted to slam his head against the door of the next storage unit. He didn't want to encourage their paranoia about SOLDIER. Everyone was still on edge, ever since the war ended.

"It wasn't SOLDIER."

He answered, covering his severely scraped cheek with a fresh bandage before looking at them over his shoulder for an instant. He grabbed his gear next to leave while they .

"But yesterday you said that-"

"It wasn't Zack."

Cloud slammed the door to the unit shut and pushed past his squadmates. To his surprise, they let him go without much hesitation as they opted to continue railing on SOLDIER anyways.

He walked back to their quarters anxiously. He felt his heart racing as if he was still in danger. He hated to think that the same people who routinely chastised him would be just as willing to gang up against anyone else they had a problem with on his behalf.

He might have insisted too strongly, but he couldn't let them think Zack had anything to do with it. He hadn't hurt him at all. Or at least he hadn't intended to. 

He was still so angry at Reno that he hadn't any resentment left for anyone else. He couldn't let him corner him like that again. He had to try and stay out of things, like he'd been told to do. 

He felt pathetic. All he ever did was follow orders. He hoped that he'd figure it all out sooner than later if he stayed. It was a vague sentiment that he couldn't get rid of. It was as if being able to help Zack was all it ever came down to.

If he was being controlled in any way. If his memory was being manipulated in any way. If Tseng was using him in any way. Zack deserved better.

He was so angry he didn't know what to do with himself. He avoided people as best he could, and over the next couple nights he still waited out in Sector 8 until curfew. Even though Zack never came. 

All things considered, things weren't as bad as when people had found out about his last encounter with a 1st. He tried to relativize things, but he couldn't shake the feeling that things could only get worse. 

He was frankly relieved that Zack's popularity didn't seem that high. He wasn't sure if he even had a fanclub yet. He'd only received a handful of spiteful looks and managed to avoid any more threats and life went on.

It was only on the third night that he was stopped by a 2nd Class SOLDIER during his patrol. The end of his shift had been nearing and he thought it was odd that he'd come to one of 5 floors he'd been cycling through on his route.

“Strife?”

“uh.”

Cloud hesitated out of fear. He felt that something was off, but he straightened up to answer him and kept wondering why he looked so familiar underneath his helmet.

“Yes, sir.”

The pain that came next sent him crashing to the ground and his helmet flying across the hall. He hadn’t even registered that he’d just been punched clean across the face until he tried to talk and couldn’t from the pain.

“You fucking creep!”

He stared up at the man that stood towering over him. His voice sounded so familiar, it had to be that SOLDIER he’d seen around Zack often.

"I know what you're doing!"

Kunsel continued to shout, but Cloud had no idea what was happening. He could only stare up at the SOLDIER in some pitiful attempt to avoid more harm.

“I know who you are. You went on what? One mission with him? And then you two just what? Just like that?”

“holy shit..”

Cloud managed to whisper at the incomprehensible rage before him. He rubbed his sore jaw, if only to make sure nothing was broken. 

Somehow thankful to find that at least he’d managed to hit the side that was already bruised, he tried to think of how to calm him down.

“What do you want from him? Just because he’s already made 1st, doesn’t mean I’m not still looking out for him. I know you've been watching him like some fucking stalker.”

When Kunsel received no reaponse except for a shocked stare he took another step forward, bringing his boot down hard next to the blond.

“Answer me! I want to hear you say it. What are you after?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?!”

Kunsel spat his inadequate response back at him. He couldn't help but flinch at every sharp gesture as he struggled to steady himself enough to stand back up. He then sighed, rolling his eyes, turning to sarcasm when he couldn't get him to keep talking. He looked down at him with disgust. 

"Right... Like he’s the one who asked you back to his quarters.”

Cloud didn’t understand the accusation. He was disoriented from the pain, somehow managing to stand again. He tried to remember how it had happened.

“He asked if I had trouble sleeping.”

“What?!”

Kunsel closed in, fist raised, and all he could do was inch away pleading with any shred of sanity he had left that there must be a way to deter him.

“Don’t fucking lie to me!”

"I'm not."

He lowered his fist and Cloud was left shaking.

“What did you do to him?”

“Nothing..”

Cloud didn't know why he sounded unsure. He hadn't sought him out. He'd wanted to, but he hadn't done anything.

“Who do you think you are anyways? You don't know what you're doing. He’s not like you. He has a girlfriend you know!!”

“…”

“That’s right! So stay away from him! Whatever you’re thinking you better forget about it! If I so much as hear about you looking at him again I’ll kick you out of HQ personally."

"What is it that you think I could even do to someone like him."

"What did you say?!"

Cloud regretted speaking up. He couldn't help but try to argue even though all it did was complicate things. He hated what Kunsel was doing, but at least he understood why he was doing it.

"I would never hurt him."

Kunsel grit his teeth at his clarification. He hadn't been offered an instant more to worry about what to say next. 

He felt the man's fist collide with his stomach and he collapsed. He thought he saw feathers cascading around them just before he blacked out from the pain. 

 

He had an a strong impression of deja-vu he couldn't shake when he came to. Even so, all he could remember were feathers. He had no idea why he was in so much pain again. It hadn’t been the first time he’d woken up in the medical bay. However, he’d never felt more disoriented than he had then.

“He woke up.”

Cloud couldn’t remember what had happened. His entire body hurt, but especially his left arm and his face. He struggled to focus on his surroundings. He tried to see who’d spoken, but his face hurt too much to turn and when he tried to move up instead, found himself unable to move much at all.

“Don’t worry, it’s just the medication, it’ll wear off in a few more hours.”

He’d just as soon given up. Whatever they had him on made him feel too numb to care. The nurse left and a doctor approached, picked up his chart and scrolled through the data before looking him over.

“Can you answer some questions?”

“Yes.”

Cloud answered drowsily, still attempting to remember why he was there in the first place.

“State your name and rank.”

“Cloud Strife, Infantry, Security Unit 36″

“How many unreported incidents have there been since the last time you were admitted?”

“…”

Cloud stared at the ceiling. It looked different somehow. 

"Strife?"

"..."

"Answer the question."

“Why?”

The doctor sighed at the bizarre retort, looking at him with concern before elaborating.

“Several of your injuries don’t match our records. You’re expected to report any and all altercations.”

“I fell.”

He lied with great difficulty. He wanted to tell her the truth. He wanted to tell anyone. He started to consider that he should of left Midgar when he’d had the chance.

He had a terrible feeling that if he didn’t do something to prevent it, that Zack would be in danger. That Shinra would eventually dispose of him like any other mistake they wished to erase.

He had to believe that there was still time. Time to find a way to speak to him again. Another chance to warn him that they couldn’t simply delete.

“Are you listening?”

He saw her wave a hand in his face before checking his pupils and checking his chart again.

“I asked, what about last night? Did you fall then too?”

“Yes.”

“Strife. I can’t do my job if you can’t answer me honestly.” 

The doctor sighed, setting the tablet back down.

“What happened last night?”

“I don’t remember.”

“We can show you the footage. But I would prefer not to.”

When she received no reaction she decided to give him a hint.

“Does the name Pema Kunsel ring any bells?”

“Kunsel?”

Cloud echoed back, staring at the ceiling. He knew he was in SOLDIER, but why he'd have anything to do with him came up blank. The doctor waited a long time but eventually decided to move on and tell him.

“He knocked you out while you were on duty. Highly irresponsible for a 2nd class. However, that incident only accounts for a fraction of your recent injuries.”

Cloud had trouble recalling the state the rest of his body was in. The more he focused the worse the pain felt.

“For example, the scabbing on your face and bruises on your knees and wrist are at least a few days old.”

He was kindly reminded of why his left arm felt like it had been snapped in two, and what being slammed in to a brick wall and then electrocuted had felt like

He tried to move his limbs again, just to reassure himself he was still intact, but he still felt too sedated to register very much.

“I fell.”

The doctor reached over to touch his hand, stroking it once, as if to warn him of her action before taking it in hers and turning it over to expose his palms.

“You have no defensive wounds. If you’d fallen you’d typically have braced yourself for impact. Even if you told me it was from fainting, the scabbing doesn't correspond to that type of impact.”

She held his hand only a moment longer before letting go. When she received no response she sat back down.

“Listen, I read your file. I know you’ve denied any allegations since you joined Shinra. You don’t need to keep lying.”

“...”

“Why are you involved with SOLDIER?”

“I don’t know.”

“How are you involved with SOLDIER?”

“I don’t want to be.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to be anymore.”

“Who did this to you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Was it someone in SOLDIER?”

“...”

“Was it Zack Fair.”

“No!”

Cloud strained from his own answer. He hadn’t meant to shout.

“Even if he’s a 1st Class it does-”

“It wasn’t him.”

He managed to negate again. He couldn’t bare to have her make any accusations towards him.

“Then who?”

“I don’t know.”

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I don't know."

“You don’t know who bit you?”

“Huh?”

“Your neck. You have several bite marks.”

“Oh.”

“Oh??”

The doctor seemed scandalized. But he’d genuinely forgotten about that part until then.

“It doesn't matter. I bit them back.”

“What?!”

She practically shouted her question from surprise, leaning back in the chair as if to brace herself from the image before asking again.

“What happened?”

“Some punk.. In Sector 8, picked a fight.”

“Why didn’t you report it.”

“They weren’t anti-Shinra, or anything, just drunk, I think..”

He lied again

"Where you on duty?"

"No."

"You still have to report it next time."

"..."

"Shinra is in a bad state right now. We can't let people like that run freely about the city!"

She stood up to give weight to her statement before glancing back over her shoulder at the door and then back at him. He hadn't realized he was in a private room until that moment.

"We still have to do our jobs. Don't forget you're required to report any and all misconduct. Even from superiors."

"Right."

She looked over his chart one last time before setting it back down.

"Just try to rest for now."

He watched her leave and drowsily wondered again why he was there. Kunsel had done something to him? Nothing felt broken, or at least nothing felt like it was in a cast.

He'd just as soon fallen back asleep. Whatever they had him on was strong and he saw no point in resisting. When he came to again a nurse was taking down notes from the monitor he was attached to. When he noticed he'd awakened, he moved the monitor away out of sight.

"Welcome back."

The nurse greeted, but he wasn't sure it sounded like a good thing. He must have just been glad to be able to return to other business. 

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

Cloud answered as systematically as he always did. Sitting up as if to assure himself it was true. His face still hurt like hell, but everything else felt fine in comparison. 

"The investigation was completed. Since you didn't press charges the case was dismissed and you're free to go now."

He'd turned all the equipment off before rounding the bed to remove his IV. 

"Don't put any strain on your arm and it should be fine in no time. As for your face, just take two of those daily and the swelling will go away."

Cloud wondered what investigation he was talking about while he looked at the bottle the nurse was pointing to. 

"Take all the time you need."

The nurse gathered the tablet and his notes, leaving the bottle of pills and departed.

When he stood again he realized how sore his body was. He had trouble walking his legs were so stiff, but he was certain he couldn't have been out for more than a day.

Once he'd changed in to the spare uniform left for him he took his phone and pills and left the room. He looked around for a few moments once he'd made it out in to the hall.

He'd never been through that section of the medical bay before. He hadn't been sure of where he was headed, but he somehow made it to an elevator, then back down to his unit's quarters.

He looked at his phone, at the date and time, and tried to backtrack on the events that had brought him here. Kunsel certainly didn't have wings, but it was safe to assume he'd knocked him out. 

Despite this, why he was still returning to work he had no idea. All he knew is that he couldn't let his unit know it had actually been someone from SOLDIER this time. Some might still think he was already too involved with SOLDIER and the deserters after all.

He knew that everything, as it always did recently, relied on whether or not anyone had seen what had happened. He decided he'd take the chance no one had again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Junon is next? I know I've been saying it forever but I think this is it


	16. Hang in there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ON TO JUNON

When Cloud returned to his unit and his squatmates asked about his injuries he told them he couldn’t remember what happened. They all knew he’d been sent to the medbay again, but no one appeared to know why.

He got lucky he guessed. When they’d pressed him to know more he explained that Shinra dismissed them and that was good enough for him.

“But don’t you want to know?”

“Shinra knows, if it was serious they’d have done something about it. I’m not interested.”

The room went quiet and he glanced around at his squadmates uneasy stares and looks amongst themselves. He hoped they’d all thought twice about what they did in HQ.

They were approaching the next SOLDIER exam and he clung steadily to his resolve not to attempt it. He needed to be realistic about the state he was in for once.

The more he struggled to keep up with basic tasks, the more he wondered why he stayed. He knew he couldn’t do anything for Zack. He could barely do anything for himself besides training, working, and fretting far too much to sleep.

Days became indistinguishable, but by the time his face had healed from his last two altercations he’d been assigned a new mission. Assisting a group of SOLDIER in a city-wide reactor security sweep.

He didn’t understand why he was being assigned to this. He would have asked why, but his captain shouted at him to get moving or else he’d reconsider ever assigning him to anything again.

He kept his questions to himself and headed off. He’d thought of Zack first. But his mind soon turned to the possibility of facing Kunsel again and he could only hope it wouldn’t be the case.

When he arrived in Sector 8 and saw a lineup of 3rd Class SOLDIER accompanied by what looked like double the amount of infantrymen. He lined up with them and waited.

A few others arrived and only moments later the sound of heavy boots approaching sent his heart racing. He wanted to turn to see who it was right away, but he had to stay in formation.

Zack marched out confidently, looking at every infantryman as he walked by. Except when he reached him, he seemed to instantly recognize him. He stopped for just a moment with a smile and placed his hand on his shoulder to give it a light squeeze before stepping away.

“So you wanna be in SOLDIER?”

Cloud stared back in disbelief that he’d managed to single him out. He felt weak from the momentary touch that had him feeling like his legs were about to give out.

“Hang in there.”

Zack smiled and his gaze lingered as he turned away to walk over to the 3rds and address them. He managed to brace his legs not to give out and watched, mouth agape.

“So, is everybody here now?”

“Sir!”

“You’re all rookies, right?”

“Sir! Yes, sir!”

“One piece of advice… no, an order.”

He looked over the men before him with an increasingly serious look, erasing all trace of his cheerful entrance. He raised his sword up before him and held it in silence. He’d closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against it for a moment before lowering it.

“Embrace your dreams. And, whatever happens, protect your SOLDIER honor.”

He looked over them with more concern that they’d all listened than conviction that they’d understood.

“Got it?”

“Sir!”

“We’re all coming back here alive, you hear me?”

Zack raised the buster sword to the sky once more and they all shared another moment of silence.

“Let’s go.”

Cloud’s heart was still racing as they moved out on their mission. They’d been tasked to clear out the monsters and defective machinery in the reactors so that the maintenance crews could get back to work.

Doubt consumed his mind. Could he have recognized him even if he was in full gear? He could have said that to any recruit right? He lagged behind and tried to get a hold of himself. He couldn’t mess up this mission.

Cloud wondered why it was that he was still considered an asset when it felt like everyone wanted him away from Zack. Hadn’t they meant that he was an asset to him, not the company? Is that why he'd been assigned to this?

He wondered how much control Shinra, the Turks, or anyone really had over the DMW technology. Maybe what they were trying to accomplish wasn’t working out after all.

The orders were two infantrymen per SOLDIER and they would split up to the 8 Reactors. He didn’t have the gal to step forward to be in Zack’s party and promptly missed his chance to more eager men.

He’d been too afraid to step forward, not only scared of being near him again, but of what he’d say to him. Not to mention the risk of what would happen if Tseng found out he’d volunteered himself to him.

Once they'd split up, the mission proceeded surprisingly fast. He’d taken out his frustration of not being with the 1st on anything they encountered during their sweep, often enabling preemptive attacks.

He couldn’t stop thinking about the order he’d given them all about their dreams and honor. But it was only after wondering why he’d seemed to cherish that sword so much that it dawned on him, that it must have been Angeal’s.

He hadn’t noticed on their way back from Modeoheim because he’d been too concerned about Zack, but now that he got a good look at it he knew he’d definitely returned with a different sword.

He hated himself for not noticing sooner. He’d never paid much attention to Angeal, even when he’d first arrived at Shinra, but he’d heard plenty of complaints about his lengthy speeches on honor.

His party was the first to clear a reactor and were effectively debriefed without the presence of the 1st. He wanted to wait for him, but there was too much security around to loiter.

He waited out in Sector 8 that night, but still Zack never came. Then before he knew it, HQ felt deserted again. Only shortly after the city-wide reactor sweep, he heard that Zack was missing from HQ.

Rumor was that he’d been sent to Costa Del Sol on overdue vacation, but he wasn't sure if it was true. The Turks were nowhere to be seen either, and tensions between departments were on the rise again.

Only Sephiroth remained, wandering the halls at odd hours. No one dared ask him what was going on. Everyone was still working over-time and there were new recruits being trained every day. The company was compensating for all those lost in the recent attacks and seemed to be doing a good job of it.

Cloud was left worrying each day that something had happened to Zack. He worried that he may have been sent on another classified mission, one they’d never get the details of if he didn't return.

He spent the next week hanging around the main lobby, listening in on one of the receptionists who now proclaimed herself chairwoman of the Zack Fair fanclub.

He couldn’t risk talking to her directly. It had been hard enough figuring out where he could stay in earshot and not seem too suspicious. Anything he'd say to her might be recorded and could be used against him. 

Days passed and he couldn’t find out any more on the real location of the 1st. Listening to the chairwoman try to recruit fans by going on about Zack’s many attributes only made him miss him more.

Each day he regretted not trying to talk to him again during their last mission. He was so stressed he wouldn’t return he’d become restless about everything once more.

All he could do was think back to before the war had ended and try to make sense of things. His anxiety was burning him out and all he could do was continue to occupy his time, if only to avoid thinking of the worst.

He spent most of his free time training. It wasn’t the best way to avoid people but it was the only way he could concentrate on anything but his absence.

Then out of the blue one morning, explosions interrupted their training. His unit had been the first to confirm that it was Genesis copies attacking once more.

As soon as they'd contained the situation in HQ, they were the first to be dispatched to Junon. Reports of the attack on the coastal city were far worse than HQ and they needed backup. He hadn’t had a choice in the matter. He hated flying, but there he was, leaving Midgar.

 

He’d thrown up as soon as they’d landed. Unable to stand for a moment he had to step away, only able to watch as the others were assigned to clear debris and prepare to evacuate the citizens.

He used the farthest wall as support, but he couldn't get everything to stop spinning. He expected he'd be needed soon, but all he managed to do was lean against the wall trying to convince himself not to throw up again.

“Hey, are you all right?”

Someone questioned him, but he’d been too disoriented to recognize his voice.

“Y-yeah…”

He answered with great effort before feeling obligated to provide an excuse, turning around he began weakly

“On the helicopter… I got a little nauseous…”

“Hey, you’re Cloud.”

Zack affirmed softly

“Wow, you remembered me..”

Cloud regretted his words as soon as he’d said them. Zack looked hurt and placed his hands on his hips.

“Of course I remember! I’m happy to be working with you again!”

Cloud smiled weakly in response. Which ever parts he remembered, at least he remembered him. Zack on the other hand looked amazing. It may have only been a little over a week, but from the glow of his sun-kissed skin he had to assume he'd really just been on vacation.

“Yeah, even if my work is a little dull.”

He debased his involvement because he regretted passing up his last opportunity to work with him when he wasn't such a mess. Even if they were both in Junon he assume this would be the extent of their conversation.

“What are you talking about? Rescue work is an important task!”

Zack immediately barked back. Evidently he took every component of missions very seriously.

“Anyway, once we’re all done, let’s go grab a bite to eat. My treat.”

“Really?”

Cloud questioned, but he quickly corrected his skeptic response.

“That would be great.”

He started to worry that he’d sounded too eager as the sharp pain in his gut reminded him how awful he’d felt just moments before.

“Once I’m feeling better, I’d love to go.”

LOVE to go!? What was he saying? He felt like he’d ruined the offer already, struggling not to let his panic show.

“But right now…”

He couldn’t stop talking, he felt like he was rambling but he felt like he’d start screaming if he just didn’t keep justifying himself.

“Just thinking about food is making me… Ughh.. Sorry, Zack…”

He looked at the ground, embarrassed but grateful he'd finally shut his mouth. 

“Ha ha! Don’t worry about it! Hope you feel better.”

As soon as Zack had dashed off to continue his own work he’d turned back around and tried to contain the excitement of the possibility of seeing him again so soon. Had he meant tonight?

Unfortunately, as soon as he’d turned back around to see if his unit was ready to go he saw Tseng and his hopes of seeing Zack again that day were instantly dashed.

He turned back and rest his forehead against the wall for a moment longer. He just needed to keep quiet and stay with his unit and everything would be fine.

He tried to calm himself down as he took some more anti-nausea medication, shakily putting his helmet back on and returned to his unit. They were being dispatched by Tseng in to the city to round civilians up in to the bunker they'd just cleared out.

He had no idea if Tseng had seen them talking or not. He could only assume he had, since they’d probably arrived here together. Had he been missing with Tseng this entire time? On some vacation alone together? 

His gut hurt so much at the thought that he wanted nothing more than to confront the Turk. Except as soon as he’d given them their orders he’d vanished to other business.

His unit quickly defeated any copies that lingered and soon declared the mission completed. Especially since when word that Sephiroth had arrived in Junon reached them, they all assumed that the 1st had cleared out any remaining threats and that the city was as good as saved.

Once the lock-down was lifted and the evacuated citizens were free to go he reported back to his captain. He was immediately handed re-assignment papers for a new position on base in Junon.

”The boss said so.”

He knew he’d meant Tseng, and he knew that meant he couldn’t negotiate his way out of it. When no time-frame was discussed he accepted that it was an indefinite relocation.

He accepted without protest and walked down the deserted streets after being dismissed. Even though the lock-down had been lifted, everyone appeared to remain indoors. More than likely still shaken, it wasn't every day that there were crises like these.

He’d followed the address to his new barracks, but still checked the documents he was given several more times before actually entering the building. He showed the clerk the document and was given a key in return.

When he got to the right number he opened a door that lead to a small room. It contained a desk, two sets of bunk beds, storage units, and a small table with a few chairs. There wasn’t much to the space. So as soon as he’d dropped off his gear he’d already made up his mind to head back out to see the rest of the city. 

He assumed that everyone from his unit had already returned to Midgar by now. And since Tseng had ordered him to stay here, he’d thought it obvious he must have taken Zack back with him to HQ. Thinking of them together only made him feel sick again.

He was at least grateful that he didn’t have to bother hiding his face here. At least that was the only good thing about a new city. He took off his scarf, button-down, and shirt before washing up and putting on a clean t-shirt to head out. 

Even though the chances were low anyone would be monitoring him, he'd still feared being tracked and opted for being cautious. He put his phone on silent and stored it beneath all his gear in one of the storage units.

By the time he got back outside he was surprised by how different the city looked while the sun was setting. He’d never visited Junon before. It was really a fortress of a city built entirely on top of one of Shinra's first military bases, facing the ocean and carved deep in to the cliff side.

He'd seen a small village on the outskirts when they’d flown in and he wondered how they felt about Shinra settling so close to them. Probably the same way anyone who's so blatantly infringed upon would feel.

He sighed when found he had nowhere to go. He was feeling better, but as far as he knew Zack was long gone. Even if he was still here, he doubted he'd been serious about his offer to go out with him that night in the first place.

He wasn’t paying attention to the store fronts or people who peered out of their windows as he walked down the street. He only managed to wandered back to the center of the city, where they’d ran in to each other earlier that day.

Had he not been sick from the flight here, Zack may not have stopped to talk at all. Had he been working like everyone else there’s no way he would have stopped.

Yet he had, and he’d remembered him. Reno had either lied to him about Tseng being able to erase his mind, or maybe they just had less control over SOLDIER than they thought they had.

He still couldn’t get his mind around how they could possibly erase select memories in the first place. But even if he did remember everything, why would a 1st who could have anyone’s company want to spend time with him?

He’d probably looked so eager to accept his offer, just like some delirious fan. He felt defeated and alone, but he still tried to come up with possible ways to get back to Midgar.

He leaned against the ledge of the reinforced concrete barriers that lined the streets to look out at the sunset. The homes and businesses behind him rumbled with the sound of people finally feeling confident enough to celebrate their resilience to the attack.

He wanted to get back to Midgar as soon as possible, but all he did instead was list off every reason he could think of as to why Zack hadn’t truly intended to ask him out. And even if he had, that it certainly couldn't be a date.

He stared out at the sunset for what felt like forever. He was hungry and knew he should give up on his self-pity and head back already, but the colors reflecting off the ocean were captivating.

He realized that waiting for Zack every night had become a habit he would now be forced to break. Waiting for a chance to see someone who wasn't even in the same city was just crazy.

“Cloud? I thought everyone left.”

He spun around. Bracing himself against the barrier for support from the sudden shock of being completely wrong.

“Were you waiting for me?”

Zack asked, smiling genuinely, leaning forward as if to emphasize his question.

“Y-yeah.. I was.. just watching the sunset.”

He explained nervously, trying to cover up his admission, but Zack just gave him a skeptical look. He then stepped forward besides him, looking out over the ocean at the bright pink sky as the sun slowly descended bellow the horizon and smiled again.

“It is beautiful, isn’t it?”

Cloud had turned to face him when he’d moved forward, glancing back over the horizon only for a moment at his question before turning his attention back to him instead.

“Yeah.”

Zack caught him staring and chuckled, turning towards him as well.

“Feeling any better?”

Cloud gave a sharp nod

“Much better.”

“Still want to grab a bite to eat?”

“I’d love to.”

Cloud repeated to his own dismay, even though Zack smiled back earnestly. The 1st then looked away hesitantly, rubbing the back of his head.

“Good. Because I kind of sort of just let Hollander escape, and, uh, everyone’s pretty disappointed, so I could really use a night off.”

“Hollander escaped? How?”

Cloud asked, surprised that the old man somehow managed to evaded him.

“Genesis copies flew him out right before I could catch him.”

Cloud could tell Zack was frustrated, but he wasn’t sure what to say.

“Genesis is still out there, isn’t he?”

“Yeah.. That’s what Sephiroth thinks too.”

Cloud looked down at the mention of the other 1st. He’d practically been a ghost in HQ for months now, but had he really been dispatched here too? What about HQ? He was tasked with protecting the president himself, so why would they send him away.

“Sephiroth is here?”

“Yeah. He’s the one who dismissed me, after saying this mission failure would go on my permanent record no less.”

Zack rolled his eyes, and sighed openly from frustration.

“Who does he think he is anyways? Permanent record.. I’ve been picking up his missions since first joining SOLDIER because they just let him do whatever he wants whenever he wants.”

Cloud was surprised. He had no idea what kind of relationship the 1sts had, but it sounded less than ideal.

“Anyways! Let’s go, shall we?”

“Uh. Right.”

Cloud nodded again, surprised by the sudden change in tone and followed as Zack turned to head down the street.

“Losing Hollander can’t be that bad for Shinra. They’ve had him for months and nothing’s come from it.”

Cloud offered, matching his pace besides him.

“They said they were still questioning him.”

“If he knew anything, they’d of gotten it out of him by now. He probably wasn’t useful in the first place.”

“Huh..”

Zack pondered, he hadn’t questioned how long something like that could take in the first place, but he was ready to accept anything to reduce his failed mission status to any bit less failed.

“Yeah. You’re probably right.”

"But why is Sephiroth here?"

"Oh. He said some research equipment was stolen so he's going to re-examine Modeoheim."

Cloud looked up in surprise but Zack only shrugged and kept looking at all the shops they passed by, attentively looking for a place to eat.

"He seemed to think we'd see each other again soon, so he should be back in no time."

Zack added, almost as if to reassure himself. When Cloud didn't respond he rubbed the back of his head at how hesitant his own words had sounded before looking back down at him.

"Hey. Let's not talk about work anymore, okay? Just for tonight."

"Okay."

Cloud agreed without hesitation. He seemed serious about having a real night off and Cloud saw no reason not to encourage it.


	17. Treasure Princess in the house

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> based her DJ persona off of Yaeji so listen to her track Guap (mall grab cover)  
> good vibes drunk ninja vibes
> 
> the real reason Yuffie is in Junon that day is becaue I hc that she helped Genesis bust in to the city to free Hollander and this is her self-orchestrated victory party because she's that hardcore

Cloud had agreed not to talk about work, which he assumed meant anyone or anything related to Shinra. He worried that it didn't leave much else to discuss. 

There were still so many things he wanted to know about why he’d suddenly been sent away, or still about Modeoheim. He especially worried that he seemed anxious to see Sephiroth again once he'd return since he’d just been complaining about him.

He had so much he wanted to say to Zack, to ask him, or to talk to him about concerning Shinra operations. He couldn’t believe that he was even there with him. He had to bite his lip to ground himself, trying to focus on where they were going instead.

Maybe he wasn’t losing it. Maybe it was just being in a new city that was throwing him off, or from the exhaustion of the sudden attacks they'd fought off, but none of it felt real. 

It wasn’t as if it felt like a dream either, he just felt like he wasn’t there. The taller man looked more radiant than he'd ever seen him in the fading light and he wondered how he'd gotten here in the first place.

“What do you think about that place?”

Zack pointed at a busy pub on the next block.

“Sure.”

Cloud gave a nod and Zack smiled, looking back excitedly at the pub as soon as he’d received approval. Anywhere was fine, but there was something he needed to ask before he lost the courage to. Before they did this, whatever this was. He needed to try to know how much he remembered.

“Hey, uh.”

“Yeah?”

Zack looked at him when he’d spoken up but hadn’t continued, concerned by the sudden silence.

“What was that book called again?”

“Huh?”

Zack seemed confused and Cloud looked down. He gestured as if to try to remember while avoiding eye-contact, so that he couldn’t see his dejected reaction. Looking at him was too difficult either way this would go. But he needed to be sure, so he continued. pretending to try to remember himself.

“The name of that book..”

“What book?”

His question came so plainly in response that he’d had no choice but to accept that Reno hadn’t been lying after all. Tseng really had erased their one night together.

“Nevermind.”

Cloud said as simply as he could manage past the pain welling in his chest. He'd tried to pass off his question casually, but he failed to fight back the growing fear of what would happen if they were seen together again.

He knew his unit had definitely been sent back to Midgar, but if Zack had refused to leave, then that meant that Turks would still be around too. He looked up and down the street anxiously before moving to enter the pub.

“Wait. What’s wrong? Why were you going on about some book?”

“It’s nothing. Let’s just go inside.”

He was so afraid that he could barely feel how hard his heart was pounding when they entered the pub together. He stopped and glanced around at all the people, making sure there were no men in black suits. There were groups of men in uniform, but they all looked like Junon residents, and the rest of the people were civilians. 

Zack wrapped an arm around his shoulders, as if tired of waiting for him to make up his mind on where they should sit and guided him to a table. Before he knew it Zack had pulled out a chair for him, then rounded the table to remove his massive sword, leaning it against the wall besides them before sitting down.

“This place looks great. I’m so hungry I could eat a whole tuna!”

Zack joked, smiling at him as the waiter quickly approached them. The man listed the pub’s specials and asked if they’d like anything to drink with their orders.

They both ordered the chef’s special and Zack asked for the waiter’s pick from their best wines. The 1st then noticed that there was a stage at the back of the pub, but no sign of any performers or instruments.

“What kinda shows do you think they put on in here?”

He asked Cloud, still looking back at the stage.

“No clue.”

Cloud responded, but when the waiter returned with their finest rice wine he noticed Zack’s obvious curiosity.

“We have live music every night here at Juniper’s, sir. Tonight’s performance will be by a new artist, Treasure Princess.”

“Huh?”

Zack seemed shocked for some reason. But the waiter hadn’t noticed. He simply filled their glasses, left the bottle, and moved on to other customers.

“Do you know her?”

Cloud asked, attempting to understand why he looked so surprised.

“Uh. If they’re the same person, yeah.”

Zack shrugged, raising his glass to him. Cloud raised his glass in turn, but still had no idea why Zack would know a royal traveling performer.

“Where did you meet?”

He asked plainly, taking his first sip of the wine.

“Wutai.”

He spat it out.

Zack laughed and he could only set the glass back down before covering his face in embarrassment.

“Wutai!”

Cloud started, but quickly lowered his voice. He hadn’t heard anyone talk about Wutai since the war ended and he wasn’t sure how to handle the subject,

“Yeah. She’s this weird kid who looted some of my stuff. She’s always treasure hunting and drops me tips constantly, although they’re always bunk... Guess she does this kind of thing too huh? Sort of like a jack of all trades.”

Zack continued to laugh lightly at the thought of seeing that troublemaker again. He wondered why Cloud looked so nervous and reached out to ruffle his hair for an instant.

“Hey, don’t get bummed out when foods on the way.”

Cloud couldn’t help but smile back at how tender his touch had been. He hadn’t had time to apologize for being so shocked that he’d managed to make a friend in Wutai. Of course he had. It was Zack. 

Their food had promptly been served only a moment later and they dug in. The food was great, the wine didn’t taste half bad, and Zack looked like he was enjoying himself.

“So, do you play anything?”

Zack spoke up after devouring his entire serving.

“Huh?”

Cloud had strayed too far to grasp his question.

“Like music.”

“Oh. No. Do you?”

“Nah. But I sing sometimes.”

Cloud seemed surprised by his admission. He tried to picture him singing but couldn't take the image seriously.

“Yeah, I kill it at Karaoke.”

Cloud couldn't contain himself and laughed in response, but Zack soon cracked up along with him before getting a hold of himself.

“Hey.. stop laughing! It’s true. I’m so good anyone who’s challenged me has been utterly defeated.”

“Utterly defeated.”

Cloud repeated, mockingly, still laughing, he reached for his drink to stop himself from saying anything more. Zack was probably in fact an amazing singer.

“I’m serious.”

Zack pouted and took a drink as well, as if finishing his glass had suddenly become a competition between the two. 

“We should go sometime.”

Cloud looked away uneasily at his offer. For once he wasn’t all too eager to embarrass himself in front of the man. He couldn’t sing at all.

“I don’t know.”

“Oh, you’ll love it, trust me!”

He couldn’t help but smile back at how excited the taller man was. He was actually glad Tseng had seen them talking earlier that day. If he hadn’t ordered him to stay in Junon he’d of been the one back in Midgar by now.

The door to the pub swung opened and a young woman with red hair walked in. She was wearing a suspicious black suit and tie and gave the room a quick glance before making her way towards the bar.

“Who is she?”

Cloud asked, worried as to why Zack looked so upset at the sight of her. It hadn’t looked like she’d noticed him at all.

“She’s a Turk. Give me a sec, will you?”

Zack made sure he gave him a nod before he got up and walked straight over to her at the bar. Cloud couldn’t see much of the redhead anymore. She’d looked so young, how could she be a Turk?

He moved so that he could watch as Zack gestured angrily. It appeared that she’d raised her hands defensively in response, but he couldn't hear what she was saying, only Zack’s voice resonated over the crowd.

“I don’t care what your orders are. This is getting ridiculous!”

People started to stare at them. Zack was poorly concealing his frustration, having to take a step back to calm down until the other clients’s concerned looks subsided. He'd lowered his voice and they talked briefly before he appeared to give up, turning his back to her and rolling his eyes as he returned to their table.

“Whatever..”

The 1st sighed when he sat back down and Cloud stared back at the Turk wearily for a moment longer before focusing his concern on Zack.

“What’s going on?”

Cloud questioned even though he could already guess the answer, trying to mask his own fear with severity in his voice.

“Says she’s just here for a drink.”

“…”

“Yeah, I know.”

Zack affirmed sarcastically when Cloud had no response to the blatant lie the redhead had offered. He sighed again and filled their glasses back up.

“Well, no harm in having a drink right?”

The dark haired man smiled, moving his chair over just enough so that Cloud would stop glaring at Cissnei over his shoulder, raising his glass back up to him.

Cloud was taken aback by how he stubbornly tried to resolve the problem. As if out of sight, our of mind, worked for cases like this. But if he didn’t care that they knew they were out together then he shouldn’t either, right?

He worried that Zack just didn’t know the half of it, and he expected that if they continued, that he was essentially putting him in danger. He looked down at his drink wearily, ready to cut their losses. 

“Zack, maybe we should go, if there’s a pro-”

“There’s no problem.”

Zack insisted immediately. It hadn’t come off as dismissive, just that he was overconfident he wouldn’t allow any more interruptions. They’d finished eating and when the waiter came to clear their plates Zack ordered another bottle.

Cloud had gotten used to the taste by the end of his second glass and felt his face getting flushed already. At least he didn’t care how tired he was anymore now that everything felt slightly out of focus.

For a moment he almost thought that the wine was enabling him to accept all of this, but he still couldn’t believe they were really just smiling at each other across the table again. By the time the second bottle arrived they were talking about what they liked about Junon.

"You've never been to the ocean before?"

Zack asked suddenly, as if alarmed it had been missing from the blond's life prior to today.

“Nibelheim is far from the sea, up in the mountains, so it’s the first time I’ve been able to really stop and take a gander.”

Zack couldn't help but smile while he reminisced about his own village in turn.

“Gongaga's pretty close to the coast, so I spent half my time playing on the beach growing up.”

“Lucky.”

Cloud smiled, picturing Zack chasing innocent creatures back in to the waves as a child. Although, thinking of the beach only reminded him of the rumors behind Zack's absence and he couldn't stop himself from bringing it up.

“How was your vacation, by the way?”

“Oh.”

Zack leaned back in response, and by the look on his face it must have been more than a little disappointing.

“It wasn’t much of a vacation really. More like forced time off. There’s all the time in the world for vacations, but why send me away when HQ needs us most? Just look at today.”

He complained openly and looked weary about the whole experience, like he hadn’t gotten any actual rest at all.

“I don’t know what’s going on with the company, but it was strange. You’re our only other 1st.”

“Right! I can handle anything. I don’t understand Tseng half the time. He's always worrying for nothing.”

“Huh?”

Cloud didn’t know what else to say and took another gulp from his wine to avoid blurting out just anything.

“Don’t get me wrong. He works hard, but sometimes I just can’t tell what he’s thinking..”

“Has he ever…”

Cloud trailed off, regretting his question already. But he needed to know, even if it was true and he was erasing everything. If it was true and there was a chance he was listening in on them, he wanted him to say it out loud.

“Ever what?”

Zack asked, lost from the question.

“Have you two ever..”

Cloud had miscalculated his resolve and couldn’t quite finish formulating his question. The sensation of his face burning up was too alarming to continue, although Zack had gotten the gist of it.

“N-no! Tseng and I?! What gave you that idea?”

Zack rubbed the back of his neck, as if disturbed that he had just considered it himself, or self-conscious that Cloud had.

“I don’t know.”

Cloud was poorly concealing his face with his glass and Zack raised an eyebrow at him before leaning in on an arm. With the utmost seriousness he posed his next question.

“Are you jealous or something?”

“Uh..”

Cloud tried to look away, but the way Zack was smiling slyly at his own question was too endearing not to appreciate. At this point, he didn’t care if he did sound jealous, maybe it was better than coming off as crazy.

“He seems controlling, that’s all. I don’t know why I asked. Besides, don’t you already have a girlfriend?”

“Huh? Who told you that?”

Zack looked puzzled rather than confrontational, and Cloud felt like it hadn’t been his place to ask. He tried looking away to avoid answering again. Zack gave up and clarified.

“I guess guys talk, huh? She’s just a friend, a girl, but a friend.”

“It’s not serious?”

Cloud asked, surprised he seemed so open about it.

“No, not really.”

Zack laughed at how relieved the younger man looked at his answer, leaning in closer over the table.

“What about you, Cloud? Got a girlfriend?… or a boyfriend?”

Cloud couldn’t hide his unease when he leaned forward. When he’d asked if he had a boyfriend he’d just about felt his soul depart from his body. He had been so ready to answer no and move on that when Zack added to the question, leaning in with so much curiosity, he was left speechless. 

The thought of even just wanting a boyfriend, let alone it possibly being someone like Zack embarrassed him to the point that he could only assume it was all some joke. He’d just about gathered the courage to ask him why he’d say that. If he looked gay, or if he was mocking him. Except his frustration vanished when he saw Zack had already turned away, as if shyly retreating from him, casting a hand to the side nervously to dismiss his own question.

“Who has time to date anyways? I mean, lots of guys I know are already engaged, sure, but what’s the rush?”

“I don’t know.”

Cloud answered with a shrug when Zack looked back at him and they both smiled at each other again. Still, he couldn’t help but worry how much of his time had been taken away from him so far. If Tseng was really this manipulative, maybe he wasn’t the first one he'd attempted to erase from Zack’s mind. 

He couldn’t help but try to glance past Zack to see if the other Turk was still watching them, but all he was doing was making Zack anxious too. He took another drink and started to feel the room sway as the 1st leaned further in on one arm to block his sight again.

“So what is there to do in Nibelheim?”

“uh..”

Cloud had moved back apprehensively, setting his glass down to rub the back of his neck awkwardly before crossing his arms on the table. He attempted to center himself and focus instead of always moving away. At least that question was easy.

“Nothing.”

Zack laughed at his earnest answer before raising his glass to him.

“Ditto Gongaga.”

Cloud couldn’t help but laugh with him. He’d never felt so free to laugh at such small things before. He'd already lost track of how much he'd drank and raised his glass to cheers him back. He could barely taste the bitterness anymore.

“Do you miss your folks?”

“I’ve only got my mom back home, but yeah, I miss her. What about you?” 

“Nah, not really.”

Cloud couldn’t help but be surprised at his answer, which pressured the other man to clarify.

“Uh, well, I mean if ever I get real vacation time, not some forced retreat, I’d go visit them in a heartbeat. But I know they’re fine, you know?”

The blond nodded back and took another drink to avoid commenting. He started to feel drunk from his numerous avoidances and tried to convince himself to slow down.

“I’m not ready to visit.”

“Why not?”

Cloud pushed his glass away on the table to avoid reaching for it again and tried to ground his hands in front of him, wondering why he’d admitted something like that so suddenly.

“I haven’t accomplished anything yet. But your parents, they must be proud of you.”

He’d praised him, but wasn't able to look at him. 

“Nahh, my parents hate Shinra.. but your mom must already be proud of you. You’re out here working hard every day already. That’s an accomplishment.”

Zack answered back with such certainty, despite his lax position, leaning against an arm on the table, smiling lazily at him.

“Thanks..”

Cloud didn’t know what else to say, he’d felt his throat start to burn, as if the proper reaction would have been to cry. He felt so relieved at his encouragement, but it was probably just the alcohol. 

“Why do they hate Shinra?”

He’d swallowed hard before asking the question. Partly in an attempt to change the topic, but also because he was worried about his relationship with his parents now.

“Nuh-uh. We agreed no company talk, right?”

Zack waved a finger at him, as if scolding a child, before picking up his own glass only to find it empty. He took the liberty to fill their glasses back up once more.

“Sorry.”

Cloud had barely whispered his apology, fidgeting with his hands nervously when he thought Zack wasn’t looking. He kept digging his nails in to the palms of his hands every time he broke eye-contact until he could face him again.

“Go on, ask me something else.”

“Uh..”

Zack leaned back in after taking another drink and held his gaze intently, offering him his undivided attention.

“Ask me anything you want to know.”

Zack insisted coyly, but when he saw Cloud look away he bit his own lip to hold back from saying anything else. He watched the blond's face turn red again and how his eyes kept darting back at him tentatively before reconsidering over and over.

He wasn’t sure why he’d put so much emphasis on his question in the first place and reached across the table to stroke his arm as if to apologize for it. When Cloud finally held his gaze again he slid his hand over his and kept leaning forward.

“What are YOU doing here, old man?!”

“UH?”

Zack pulled back, letting go of the younger man's hand immediately at the interruption. Cloud looked just as shocked at the sight of the young girl with short black hair dressed in an over-sized black poncho who stood before them.

“I'm, we, uh, we’re-”

Zack stuttered in a failure to answer and the girl sighed dramatically at the sight of them.

“Anyways! I don’t have the time to talk to you. It would take too long to educate you on everything you’re doing wrong right now. I have an engagement to blow all your minds. So sit up straight at least, or even that poor nerd will leave your sorry ass behind.”

She kicked one of Zack's overextended feet back in and tapped his forehead to force him to sit up before sticking her tongue out at him and heading towards the stage.

“Old man?”

Cloud asked while laughing, he hadn’t registered anything after those words and the sight of Zack left completely disarmed, it was too much to handle.

“I don’t think she’s even old enough to be in here..”

Zack whined, before he realized that Cloud was laughing at him and pouted again, taking another large drink before complaining loudly.

“What is she even going to play? What instruments fit under a poncho?”

The stage was empty and she’d just settled a single table on to it. Glaring back at them across the room Yuffie slid out a laptop and connected her phone to it.

“I made an app on my phone that I record loops and sequences with and then I add the beats!”

“Phone music?!”

Zack asked, scandalized, but when all he got in response was another crude gesture from the girl he turned back to Cloud who attempted to explain.

“I think she means electronic music.”

“Huh?”

Zack let his head drop to the side in defeat from his own confusion.

“Recorded parts can substitute for actual instruments or vocals, the sounds are just pieced together. I’m sure songs you already know have edited parts like that.”

“Oh.”

Zack tilted his head in the other direction, as if attempting to absorb the new information, but when the mysterious girl took the microphone she’d just hooked up to the pub’s sound system and to her laptop they both looked back.

“I’m Treasure Princess, and if you want to get a taste of this, someone's going to have to get this bitch out of my face.”

Cissnei was on stage trying to ask her to identify herself, but as soon as a couple people stood up near front stage she backed down and Yuffie only grinned, throwing the cable for the mic victoriously over her shoulder.

“Now that that’s taken care of. Let’s start it off slow.”

She hit some keys on her computer and a mellow beat started off before she took up the mic again

“All black.

From head to toe.

You cant see me inside the club.

All I wanna do is sip from the bird.

The goose from the bottle, ya heard?”

Zack had laughed when he saw Cissnei retreat back to the bar, visibly embarrassed that she’d almost started a brawl while trying to question the “princess”. He laughed even more, although he held himself back not to laugh over her performance, when he thought about how funny it would be if she was actually Wutai royalty.

“That isn’t music, it’s just weird sounds, and talking.”

Zack complained once he'd managed to stop laughing, turning back to Cloud who had been watching her.

“I don’t know. It’s kind of good.”

Zack looked disturbed at the blond’s response for an instant before sighing and leaning against the table again in defeat.

"What is she even singing about."

"Vodka. I think.."

Zack raised an eyebrow at his speculation, but tried to ignore the pounding beats as he raised his glass again.

"Whatever. To the princess."

"To the princess." 

Cloud repeated before toasting yet again. His judgement might appear impaired, but he was sure he could see the redhead calling someone from her cell and he worried he knew who.


	18. Mercenaries' dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date part 2

Cloud glanced around the pub nervously once again. Treasure Princess was laying down heavy beats and Zack continued talking happily about musicians he liked or didn’t like while drowning the rest of their second bottle. 

He could only think of how their night would end and if they’d ever see each other again. He took another drink even though he knew he’d probably already drank too much.

“Let’s go to magic mountain.”

Treasure Princess repeated over and over. He wondered if there was really such a thing in Wutai. Nibelheim’s mountains certainly weren’t magic. If anything they were probably cursed.

He wondered why Zack had invited him. He didn't get what he was contributing, besides being unable to hold back his own laughter every time Zack erupted from amusement. He couldn’t think of a time he’d been happier than watching Zack laugh.

He knew that even if this night went well, that there was no way they could be together. Even if Tseng wasn’t a part of the picture, he didn’t think that any interest Zack might have in him could last.

He hated that he’d considered even being with him seriously. He didn’t want him to like him like that. He knew that ultimately it would end like he never had wanted to get to know him at all.

He felt as if nothing he’d felt from the first moment he’d seen him mattered. And if it didn’t, then he may as well let him have tonight. He’d let him have anything, but he worried that love wasn’t supposed to feel like this.

At least they will have had this time together, and a morning only he remembers. He stared at his own hands, fidgeting with his drink, feeling guilty that he’d wanted to touch him again. 

“Hey, where’d you go?”

Zack ruffled his hair lightly to get his attention back.

“Huh?”

Cloud hadn’t realized he’d been lost in thought again, looking back up sharply when prompted by fingers running through his hair.

“You keep zoning out.”

Zack had kept shuffling his fingers through his hair lightly, as if to soften his observation, but when he received no response besides averted eyes, he slid his hand down to cup the side of his face.

Cloud wished he hadn’t hesitated at his question. The longer he did the further he crumbled from his own silence. He turned his face in to the warm hand, solemnly accepting the gratuitous comfort he didn't feel he deserved. 

He kissed the palm of his hand, letting their surroundings vanish for a moment when he shut his eyes. As soon as his lips brushed against his skin he pulled away. Regretting having lingered in his touch, worried he’d made a mistake.

When Zack stared back at him in surprise before pulling away in turn he was certain he had. He worried the other Turk had seen, but when he looked past him, he'd had already turned around to check himself. 

She was nowhere to be seen, but Zack didn’t turn back to him. He had to apologize, but just as he’d been unable to answer his question before, no words were formed. He could only look on in panic as Zack waved the waiter down.

“Check please!”

Cloud stood up the next instant to protest, except Zack had already gotten up and decisively holstered his sword back on. Walking hastily to the register without a word. 

While he paid their bill, Cloud downed the rest of his glass and tried to figure out what to say to salvage their night. The next thing he knew Zack rushed back to him with two more bottles in hand and he couldn’t hide his confusion.

“Let’s get out of here.”

Zack urged, looking back over his shoulder, but Cloud was too shocked to respond. He wasted no time in handing him one of the bottles before taking his other hand and pulling him out of the pub. Then after a quick glance either way down the main street Zack gave him a smile and squeezed his hand gently before they made a dash for it.

They ran as fast as they could. He had no idea where they were headed, but his grip was strong and he wouldn’t dare let go. He felt his adrenaline take over as they ran as fast as they could down the deserted street. When they neared the end of the road, Zack started laughing.

Zack turned back around to see if they’d been followed, letting go of Cloud’s hand when he did. Cloud laughed with him, despite sounding exhausted. He could barely catch his breath as they let go of each other, but not the bottles.

The guard at the freight elevator that lead out of town had saluted Zack but neither of them had noticed. The man waited silently to be acknowledged to stop saluting. Zack hit the button for the elevator decisively and the giant door swung open. He gave the guard a big grin and ordered.

“Stall anyone else who wants to come through here. That’s an order from a 1st! Ya hear?”

“Yes, sir!”

The confused guard jumped when Zack turned his attention on him finally. Almost dropping his rifle as he turned to face them as they entered on to the elevator's platform. 

The door locked shut and suddenly lights started flashing around them as the platform suddenly heaved in to a descent. Cloud stumbled and Zack moved to try to catch him even though he’d managed to steady himself, resulting in both of them laughing again.

“I hope you don’t mind. But, I thought it was time to ditch the company supervision and move our date somewhere else.”

“Our date?”

Cloud asked honestly, but Zack’s reaction made him realize he’d been just as unsure as him.

“Only if you want it to be? I mean.. Isn’t it?”

Cloud stepped forward to rest his head against his chest. He felt lucky for once. Zack wrapped his free arm around him, accepting the gesture as his way of agreeing.

“Do you trust me?”

Cloud asked suddenly, pulling back slightly from his hold. As much as he wanted this, he knew there was more to avoiding the Turks than just running away.

“With my life.”

Zack answered, smiling confidently. Cloud had only hoped for a simple yes, caught off guard by his admission and for a moment he forgot what he’d needed to do, wanting nothing more than to embrace him. He managed to focus and pulled back, bringing his free hand up expectantly between them. He looked at Zack in all seriousness.

“Give me your phone.”

“UHh..”

Zack blinked in confusion, hesitating despite his previous grandiose statement. It wasn’t like he had any particular attachment to his cellphone. Hell, he didn’t even know how emailing worked. He and technology didn't go together. This was partly why all Shinra's security codes remained simplistic over time, because of the improbable statistic that was Zack Fair. 

He handed the device to him and watched as the younger man tucked the wine bottle under his arm and popped the casing off the back of his phone, removed the battery, reattached the case and handed the separated parts back to him.

“They won’t be able to track you this way. I left mine with my gear in storage.”

“Oh. Cool.”

Zack’s excitement was dampened by the realization that it explained why Tseng always seemed to know where he was. He promptly returned the items to his pocket and with that the elevator came to a sudden halt. 

Cloud lurched forward again and Zack brought his arm back up to pull him close. The door opened and Zack didn’t let go. After a moment he just turned to lead him out with his arm around his shoulders.

They walked past another confused guard, to whom Zack raised his bottle to like a salute. Cloud couldn’t help but laugh at that, making Zack laugh in turn.

Cloud sighed as he leaned in to the warmth of his body as they walked through the small village. Most houses had already turned out their lights and it didn’t look like anything was open.

“Let’s go down to the beach. I want you to get the full seaside experience while we’re here”

Zack offered, smiling down at him insistently until he got an answer.

“Okay.”

Cloud smiled back at him after agreeing, receiving one of his dazzling grins in return before looking on ahead. He was swinging the bottle of wine at his side with glee by the time they reached the steps that lead down to the ocean. He stopped and peered down at the deserted beach. 

Zack slid his arm off his shoulders and took his arm instead to help him down the steps. He’d felt his apprehension as soon as they’d reached them. Cloud seemed much tipsier than he was and he wanted to make sure he wouldn’t fall. When they reached the sand he let go of his arm to open his bottle and took a drink while looking out over the ocean.

Cloud stepped forward carefully, he couldn't just fall face first in to the sand on his first date. His boots sank and he steadied himself to look over the coast. There were tons of slabs of concrete pilled up at the edge of the beach as well as loads of steel pillars half-erected in the water.

Shinra was building something outside the city wall but he couldn’t tell what. He walked further down the beach to one of the stray slabs of concrete and sat down, setting the bottle down besides him before looking out at how bright the stars looked above the ocean. 

Zack had followed before raising his sword off his back with his free hand, swinging it above his head as he always did, except while he took another drink this time, before planting it in to the sand. He then walked over to him and set his bottle down besides his on the concrete. Cloud was staring up at him and smiling, he couldn't believe he was on a date with a man so unimaginably gorgeous.

”Hey, let’s go swimming.”

”What?”

Cloud questioned indignantly. His smile vanished and he was consumed with apprehension. At this hour? At this temperature? Watching as Zack started to undo his suspenders.

”Wait. Isn’t it kind of cold?”

Cloud pressed and he stopped.

”It’s not cold.”

Zack practically pouted from his lack of enthusiasm before leaning down to him with a smile.

”You haven’t even touched it yet.”

Zack encouraged before standing back up straight. He towered over him and all he could do was watch how bright his eyes shined in the darkness.

"Maybe you've had too much to drink."

Cloud argued, leaning back on an arm in an attempt to distance himself. Glancing over at his own unopened bottle.

"Nonsense! I'm not drunk at all."

Zack huffed, grabbing the bottle he'd just set down to take another swig.

"Go ahead! Challenge me. I'll prove it."

Cloud laughed at how determined he was. It was obvious he was inebriated, but the way he insisted on absolving himself of his reproach was adorable.

"What's so funny? I'm not drunk, you're drunk!"

"I am."

Cloud admitted plainly and Zack was at a loss. After a moment longer he couldn't stay serious and laughed again. Zack couldn't help but laugh along with him before sitting down besides him.

"Fine. No swimming tonight. But we'll go someday right?"

"I don't know how to swim."

Cloud finally admitted and Zack looked alarmed. He turned fully to face him and set his bottle back down.

"Really?"

Cloud gave a nod, looking back out at the ocean, but Zack's tone quickly changed from shock to excitement once more.

"Don't worry! I'll teach you. It's easy!"

"Thank you."

Cloud was scared, it wasn't something he'd been made to do in training, even though some units did. Those that were trained to be dispatched to marine units had to. 

“You know, you never answered me earlier.”

“huh?”

Cloud looked up timidly, not knowing exactly which omission he was calling him out on.

“About if you’re seeing anyone or not.”

Cloud looked away if only to hide his reaction.

“No. I never have.”

Zack watched as Cloud grew distant from his question, but by now he’d moved past worrying if he liked him back or not. He felt it. He wanted to reassure him, even though something else was pulling at his heart.

“Neither have I. I mean, I’ve had crushes before, and I’ve been on dates and stuff. But uh.. This. I’ve never felt something like this before.”

Zack clarified, as best as his memory served. He'd nervously moved his hand over Cloud's as he spoke, tracing his fingers with his own gently before working up the resolve to take his hand in his.

“Know what’s strange?”

Cloud let him take his hand, trying not to panic at the sudden question. He’d been contemplating how to tell him everything they’d taken away from him, but his prior admission surprised him too much to answer. Everything was indeed strange.

Why would he of all people make him feel different? He still didn’t understand what Zack saw in him, and despite trying to find an impasse, when their gazes met and he pulled him closer by his hand all he wanted to do was admit just how special he was to him too. But before he could speak up Zack continued.

“You feel so familiar. Like I’ve been here before. Not here in Junon, I mean, but with you. It's like I've held you before. like we’ve already kissed before.”

Cloud couldn't believe some parts of his memory were still there as Zack leaned down and kissed his gently. He couldn't feel anything else but his lips over his and his hand being held tightly. 

When Zack pulled back, watching Cloud open his eyes again, dazed a moment after. He was glad that he’d accepted the kiss. Zack sighed partly from relief, but mostly because he was overwhelmed.

“Sorry.. I must sound crazy.”

“You’re not.”

Zack could feel Cloud’s hand start to shake in his. He met his eyes again only to see tears were welling up as he struggled to hold them back.

“Woah. Hey. What’s wrong? Sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you just like that. I uh..”

Zack let go of his hand to place both of his on his shoulders, rubbing them to try to get him to stop crying before wrapping his arms around him tightly instead.

"You must think I'm just trying to use some cheap line on you."

“That’s not it.”

Zack fell silent when Cloud corrected him again. He simply held him against his chest, waiting for him to clarify. It was too hard for Cloud to contain himself. He was drunk and tired and couldn't stop the tears from rolling down his face.

“We have kissed before.”

“Huh?”

Zack pulled away, holding him at arm’s length, if only to look back in to his eyes. He searched for a sign that he was joking, but his clear blue eyes left nothing to doubt.

“When?”

Zack finally articulated and Cloud tried to explain.

“You let me crash in your quarters once. A long time ago now. We.. Uh. We..”

Cloud felt crazier by the second. He couldn't believe how scared he was to talk about something that had already happened between them. 

“We kissed, a lot, the next morning.”

Zack smiled at Cloud's explanation, as if he was proud of the news in a strange way before growing impatient again

“Why don’t I remember then?”

“Tseng called you in for work.”

"So?"

Another long moment of silence elapsed as Cloud struggled to find the right way to continue his explanation. He still couldn't reason through why someone would do this to them, but at least he'd managed to stop crying.

“Tseng is using you. He's doing this to you.”

“What?!”

“I don’t know why.”

“What!?!”

Zack got up, stepping back in confusion. His outrage had probably woken up half the town above them.

“Another Turk told me. He said they could do anything they wanted, and could erase anything they wanted, including me, from your mind.” 

“This is crazy.”

Cloud looked at the ground, he was ashamed of their own reality but he tried to believe that telling him was the right thing to do. He deserved to know.

“I’m sorry.”

“H-hey.”

Zack calmed down, moving back to sit besides him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Don't apologize. It's not your fault.”

“They ordered me to stay away from you. If they do something else to you bec-”

“Don’t worry about me. Look. I’m fine. I don’t know what’s going on, but I won’t let it happen again. I promise.”

Cloud stared up at his mesmerizing eyes. He wanted to believe him, but he still couldn’t shake the dread that had accompanied the conversation. He reached up to take Zack’s hand from his shoulder and held it with both of his. He had no hope that whatever Shinra was doing would stop.

“Run away with me.”

Zack stared back in surprise at his solution. He smiled and laughed lightly to try and relieve the tension. He'd never once considered leaving Shinra before.

“Where would we go?”

Cloud had been ready to apologize again. He was sure he’d call him crazy. What he’d suggested was absurd, but he hadn’t pulled away. Zack humoring him took away all his fears. Or maybe it was just the alcohol. Either way he held his hand tightly and remained hopeful.

“Anywhere.”

“What would we do?”

“Anything.”

Zack laughed lightly again at his simple answers and ran his free hand through his own hair, looking up at the sky.

“Go anywhere. Do anything. Sort of like mercenaries? Sounds like good a plan as any to get out of Shinra.”

“Would you?”

“I don’t know.”

Cloud fell silent when he’d realized he must have sounded crazy after all. He didn’t remember, of course he couldn’t decide how he felt about him as easily as he could. He wasn’t even sure it would be the right choice himself. 

All he really wanted was to keep him from harm. Even though he was monstrously powerful, they’d gotten to him, and they might again.

“I’ll talk to Tseng and sort it out.”

“No!”

Zack flinched at the alarmed refusal. Cloud had looked down after his outburst, turning his hand over in his and caressing his palm gently as if to apologize before continuing.

“It’s too dangerous. If you don’t know how he’s erasing your mind, then you won’t be able to avoid it. It has to do with your DMW. Just.. Don’t let you guard down around him.”

Zack had furrowed his brow at his warning and moved his free hand to his, taking both his hands in his instead.

“I won’t. I promise.”

Zack smiled when Cloud looked back up at him. He wasn’t certain what value promises held anymore. He was worried to the point that his heart was racing again, but then he leaned down and kissed him again. Longer and firmer this time, before pulling away and smiling again. 

Cloud could feel his heart pounding even harder than it had when he’d essentially asked him to elope. If it hadn't shattered his rib cage by now he decided he may as well continue embracing his fears. He let go of his hands to bring them up and around his shoulders, moving them tentatively up his neck, fingers running up through his hair to pull him back down for another kiss.

Zack moved his hands to Cloud’s waist when he pulled him down to him, following his direction effortlessly. They kissed for a long time and with more tenderness than they had before. When Zack pulled back he sucked on his lower lip teasingly for only a moment before smiling proudly.

“So, tell me more about the time I invited you over.”

Zack insisted, but Cloud lingered after the kiss, lips parted and breathless. Looking away at the question to think it over. 

“We had a drink and talked at first. I told you about my insomnia, but you took it as some sort of personal challenge."

Zack laughed, knowing he would have.

“You read to me that night, and before I knew it I woke up next to you.”

Cloud ran a finger back down this neck, tracing the length of his spine. The more he spoke the more he could hear the embarrassment in his own voice.

“You were holding me, and when you woke up you did this..”

Cloud leaned in and brushed his lips against his neck, nuzzling in slightly before kissing his earlobe. He held on to his shoulders not to lose his balance as he trailed kisses down his neck, then pulled away shyly. He couldn’t believe what he was doing and quickly ran out of courage.

“Like this?”

Zack cross-examined, leaning in to mimic him, kissing his neck softly exactly as he had before. Cloud tilted his head away as soon as he’d felt his lips, holding on tightly. The sensation was stronger than he'd remembered when the alcohol made it seem as if nothing else but his lips existed. 

He sank down from shivers that ran down his spine at every kiss, even though Zack easily held him up. Once He was satisfied with his reenactment he moved to his lips instead. The kiss was rougher, but even so as soon as he'd let a moan escape he pulled away with a smirk and whispered.

“What else did I do that morning?”

“Ngh..”

Cloud swallowed hard, looking away to avoid his stare. He didn’t want to explain the rest. If anything he’d rather be thrown out in to the sea than elaborate further on how he'd ended up beneath him, or how he hated that they'd been under surveillance. He wondered how much of his fear of being with him that morning had been because he was scared of him, or just scared of being found out at all.

“Nothing you didn’t like I hope?”

Zack worried out loud, shifting to give him space. He tilted his head when no answer came. He was getting better at waiting for answers.

“No.”

Cloud finally managed, yet he still felt unsure. He turned around to pick up the unopened bottle he’d set down earlier and twisted the top off. Zack leaned back on one arm before reaching for his own. They both took large swigs before Zack leaned back over.

“Making new memories isn’t so bad, right?”

“Right.”

Cloud smiled back up at him before looking out over the ocean again. He hoped he’d remember this night for the rest of his life, no matter what happened next.

“When we get back to Midgar, will you let me take you on a second date?”

Zack asked tentatively and Cloud turned back, smiling brighter than before, then he remembered he wouldn’t be returning. Not unless he quit the company himself.

“I’ve been reassigned.”

“Huh?”

“To Junon.”

“What? Why?”

Zack looked appalled by the news, as if he’d just meticulously planned out their entire second date and it had been foiled already.

“Tseng’s orders.”

“You really weren’t kidding about the meddling part.”

Cloud shook his head and took another drink while Zack tried to understand what was going on. 

“Why’s he doing all this?”

Cloud didn’t answer and took another long drink, but Zack was getting frustrated at their increasingly complicated situation. He took the bottle from his hands and set it back down again.

“Why doesn’t he want us to be together?”

Cloud furrowed his brow when he’d snatched the wine away from him, but his stern look told him he wouldn’t let him avoid the topic any longer. The only problem was that he didn’t know anything about Tseng. How could he explain the actions of a man disturbed enough to do this to someone else.

“It doesn’t make sense.”

Zack complained, trying to insist on an explanation, but Cloud only looked away again. The younger man wished he could do more but nothing he could say would make it easier on them.

“It’s not like it’s anti-company policy to date co-workers. Why would it be any of his business anyways.”

“I don’t know.”

Zack looked back down at him when he'd finally gotten an answer, except Cloud looked more dispirited than ever about their situation and he regretted getting angry. It wasn’t his fault.

“I should really talk to Tseng. You can’t stay in Junon.”

When Zack received no response he leaned down and kissed his forehead.

“Don’t worry. I’ll get to the bottom of this.”

Zack reassured, yet he still wanted to protest. He had no idea what to do to to convince him to stay away from the Turk. He just didn’t believe Tseng was the type of person that could be reasoned with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date part 3 coming up next will wrap it up for Junon.
> 
> Then all that's left is the bit before Nibelheim!  
> No clue how long I'll drag that out for, but I'm open to suggestions.


	19. Unresponsive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings* non-con; alcohol; mako; poisoning

Cloud looked around them on the still beach, making sure they were alone before turning back towards the 1st. He’d forgotten what they were talking about again, lost in his own thoughts, or lost in his eyes.

Zack took another swig of wine and seemed surprised to find he’d emptied the bottle. As soon as he’d set it back down, Cloud brought his hands up to cup his face and pulled him in to another kiss.

His fingers slid in to his hair and held on firmly to the back of his head as he kissed him. The SOLDIER only smiled at first before wrapping his arms around him to kiss him back properly. When they opened their eyes again Zack was gazing fondly at him before attempting to flatter.

“You’re so cute.”

“Cute?”

Cloud chocked back, even though Zack only laughed before attempting to smile at an increasingly insistent rate in order to get him to concede. He’d looked away since smiling back at him when he looked at him like that was inevitable and he wasn’t certain why he’d been so offended.

“Poor lil’ pup.”

Zack had practically cooed when he’d looked down, but Cloud’s eyes shot right back up.

“You’re the puppy.”

Zack laughed, pulling him closer again, as if holding on to him would help him contain himself. Cloud had tried to elaborate but his lips met his once more and he forgot the root of his frustration when he felt his tongue slide in to his mouth to toy with his.

Cloud had kept his hands on his chest when he’d pulled him closer, but the longer they kissed the lower they slid until he was gripping on to his suspenders while fighting back soft moans. He had tried to kiss back just as seriously, but he could barely hold himself up.

Zack pulled away when he’d felt him slide further down. He’d wanted to make sure he was alright, but the sight of him catching his breath after their deepening kiss only made him want to do it again.

Cloud worried that he’d lost track. He was convinced things hadn’t gone the way he’d expected. Even though he knew there was nothing he could say that would convince him to leave Shinra, or even take his warnings about the Turks seriously.

He needed proof. He needed to know more to convince the would-be hero to leave it all behind. He wished he could do more. That everything would stop hurting. He couldn’t fix any of it yet and he struggled to think of what to say next.

Zack had been watching him with his lips parted, inches away from him before biting down on his own lower lip hesitantly and reaching for the other bottle Cloud had barely touched.

“More?”

Zack offered first, an eyebrow raised at the question. He shrugged and took the bottle, watching his glowing eyes linger on his lips as he drank before handing it back to him. Zack took a lazy swig in turn, but as soon as he’d set the bottle down he kissed him again.

Cloud held on, wanting to get on top of him, convinced kissing would be easier that way, except that he had no strength. He felt too intoxicated to pull himself up and everything seemed to be spinning even though his eyes were closed. 

He focused on breathing instead, moaning in to his mouth as they kissed. Every rush over or under his tongue turned him on, and the more Zack nibbled at his lower lip or sucked on his tongue the more he wanted to feel nothing else.

His grip weakened and he’d let go to steady himself, lowering a hand to his leg, But as soon as he’d touched him, squeezing his thigh, he was unable to resist knowing. He slid his hand further up to feel if he was as hard as him.

Cloud froze from just how hard he felt through his pants. He still couldn’t accept how big he was even with his hand on him. Zack had pulled back from their kiss as soon as he’d felt his touch, practically humming with approval as he leaned down to kiss his neck once again.

“That feels great.”

He whispered in to his ear before sucking at his earlobe and all he could do was grip him tightly in response. Zack licked the length of his neck next while stroking him tentatively. He kept kissing slowly as he reached over to place his hand over his.

He guided his hand over his cock firmly before letting go and unzipping his pants to pull it out for him. Cloud couldn’t help but stare before bringing both his hands up to stroke him. Zack had noticed his reaction and coyly leaned back to give him more room to admire.

“Like what you see?”

Cloud’s eyes flickered up to him before he leaned down, reaching out with his tongue in an attempt to take him in to his mouth. He’d always expected it to be straight forward, but he could barely fit him in.

He kept stroking the base of his shaft with his hands and ran his tongue down his length. Zack rolled his head back, letting out a soft moan at that. He tried to relax and open his jaw wider, but he could still only get the head in.

He squeezed his entire length tightly as he stroked his cock. Trying to keep up pace but having to stop to catch his breath often. He licked him slowly before he could go back to sucking, still trying to take him in further.

Zack moaned again when he sucked harder. Forcing his jaw open hurt but he didn’t care. He pulled back just enough to run his tongue over the tip of his cock before he felt fingers run through his hair, as if rewarding him for his efforts.

He moaned in to the touch, losing his concentration entirely. He tried to suck at the same rhythm he was stroking his hands up and down, but when Zack tried to guide him lower he struggled to focus on breathing.

He could feel him throb in his mouth every time he moaned. He let him slide in further and further and he tried not to gag as he pushed in harder to the back of his throat. He was sure he’d crack his jaw before it would end despite convincing himself the pain wouldn’t last much longer if he could manage to get him off.

Strong fingers gripping his hair, keeping him steady while he pumped in faster only made things more agonizing. Cloud felt like he’d pass out if he kept forcing himself in, unable to tell if he was still breathing anymore.

He moaned despite the tears rolling down his face. Zack hadn’t noticed at all, leaning back on one arm to angle himself in deeper. He moved his head down harder on his cock as he pushed in further, filling his throat.

Cloud held his breath not to choke, letting him force his way in. He had to let go of his cock to brace himself from the pain. One hand on his leg and the other ob the concrete as Zack pumped in harder and harder.

Cum suddenly started running down his throat and he moaned initially from surprise before having to swallow it all. Zack let out a long low moan, releasing his load deep inside and only pulled out until he’d finished cumming.

When he did, excess cum spilled out from his mouth on to the sand before choking for air. Once he’d managed to catch his breath he started to feel dizzy again, lurching forward.

“Are you alright?”

Zack asked once he’d come to from his orgasm and had zipped his pants back up. He worried he’d been too rough, or that he’d tasted awful, or something along those lines.

Cloud wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and was embarrassed to look back at him, but Zack hated not being answered and leaned in to try to get a better look at him.

“That was amazing.”

Zack tried encouraging instead, rubbing his back to make sure he’d been able to catch his breath. He leaned in further to smile at him, and as soon as Cloud had managed to smile back, even just a little, he kissed him again.

He slid his tongue in effortlessly and tasted himself. Cloud couldn’t believe how much pain radiated through his whole face, even though the taste of his cum against their tongues only reminded him of how hard he still was.

When a strong hand moved down to his own hard-on he was too self-conscious about what they’d just done and how little he had to offer in return. He couldn’t go on with it. He felt as if he would come from just his touch, so as soon as his hand slid up to undo his pants he tried to shift away.

Zack made a confused sound before pulling away from their kiss and tilted his head to the side. He was more than ready to return the favor, but Cloud shifted even further as soon as he’d broken the kiss.

“What is it?”

He worried softly, stroking Cloud’s leg instead while he waited patiently for him to catch his breath again.

“I’m just tired.”

Cloud offered hesitantly, unconvinced by his own excuse. He tried to stand up in an effort to gain any distance from him, only managing to stumble in the sand instead. Zack reached out and took his hand to steady him, chuckling softly at the sight.

“Careful.” 

Once he was sure he’d found his balance he let go momentarily to grab the bottles, finishing off the last one before tucking them under an arm and taking Cloud’s hand again.

”Alright. Well, let’s get out of here.”

Zack lead him back across the beach. He’d stumbled a few more times, but Zack easily held him up. He looked at the moon over the ocean and couldn’t believe how beautiful it was.

Zack was smiling down at him and squeezed his hand harder when he felt as if he was about to fall back. He almost stumbled himself to catch him, realizing he was drunker than he thought he was.

He laughed lightly at their missteps, his arm around Cloud again before pulling back when he’d managed to hold them up. They’d stopped and when he realized Cloud wasn’t laughing with him he got worried.

Cloud was staring at the ground, feeling strangely numb. Number than the alcohol had made him feel all night and he wondered if he had really over done it. He could barely feel Zack’s arm around him anymore, only a firm tug made him look up again.

“Come on, let’s go see if we can crash at the inn.”

Cloud tried to hold on to him despite his sudden lack of coordination, afraid he wouldn’t be able to make it. He reckoned he should warn him that he felt like he was going to black out. He was fainter by the second and hesitated when they got to the steps that lead back to the village.

Zack had let go of him momentarily to dump the empty bottles in to the nearest trashcan before returning to him. He stared up at him and couldn’t manage a sound. He felt a strong arm wrap around him again and help him up the first step, but his knees gave out and he almost hit the steps before Zack caught him.

“Careful.”

He said tenderly before opting to pick him up in to his arms. Cloud gasped at the sudden shift and stared at Zack who was just smiling down at him.

“You’re such a lightweight.”

The 1st joked, but when he opened his mouth to apologize, or try to explain, or even protest being carried, nothing came out. Zack simply gave him a kiss on the forehead and he closed his eyes, not knowing what had been so urgent anymore.

Cloud watched him as he climbed, eyes focused ahead. He was overwhelmingly tired, and when he’d closed his eyes for more than a second he lost all concept of his own body in his strong arms. Nothingness consumed him. His head rolled back against his shoulder and he lost consciousness.

Then the next thing he knew he’d been set down on to a bed. When his eyes opened again he forced himself to come to as he wearily glanced around an unknown room. He could only assumed they were already at the inn.

He couldn’t remember how they’d gotten there and could only manage to barely pull himself up to lean on an arm, searching for Zack. His head hurt and he laid back on to the pillow while the entire room spun out of control.

He felt awful. He’d never drank this much before and didn’t know what was supposed to happen. Even though he hadn’t drank nearly as much as Zack, and he seemed completely fine. Maybe he was just a lightweight.

His limbs felt numb and his throat and mouth burned in a way he definitely hadn’t noticed earlier. He tried to convince himself it was just the alcohol, or how tired he was, but he felt something else was wrong entirely.

“Zack?”

Cloud finally managed, after many, many attempts, searching desperately until he could see bright blue eyes making their way back to him in the dark.

“It’s okay. I’m here.”

He ran a hand through his hair and smiled softly at him, kneeling down to him. Cloud’s heart was racing, panicking that he couldn’t speak. It wasn’t that he didn’t know what to say, he could barely even manage articulating his name again.

“Zack..”

“Here, have some water.”

He’d slid his hand to the back of his head to help him up, tilting the glass to his mouth. He seemed worried at first but when Cloud managed to swallow a fair amount of water he let him lay back down and kissed him gently again.

The 1st set the glass down on the nightstand before stepping away to remove his gear. He took off his belt and armor, leaving everything including his shirt on a chair next to his sword before returning to Cloud.

He could only watch as he walked back to him, grabbing an extra blanket off of one of the other beds before climbing in with him, throwing the blanket over top. Cloud tried to turn to face him, barely reaching out to him.

“Am.. I.”

He attempted to force himself to voice his panic. The water had helped, but he was afraid he would be gone before he woke up again. Zack wrapped his arm around him to comfort him when he hadn’t finished his sentence and urged him on.

“Hm?”

“I..”

Cloud started again, in the same hesitant voice as before. He felt trapped and started to worry that Zack hadn’t noticed something was wrong with him because it was all in his head. The older man nuzzled his face up against his neck warmly when he hadn’t continued.

“Yes, Cloud?”

“Don’t go.”

Surprised by his own words, casting his eyes down as if to search for what he’d really needed to verbalize instead. But when he felt their noses brush against each other and Zack’s glowing eyes were gazing back at him he knew it’s what he’d wanted to say from the start.

“I won’t.”

It was surreal. Being held by him again. Feeling him climb on top of him again. The way the room went pitch-black every time he blinked. He smiled at how bright his eyes were and Zack leaned in to kiss him.

They kissed for a long time. He could barely remember how Zack had managed to pin his arms above his head but he felt himself more clearly under his weight if only for a moment.

His tongue ran against his neck while his other hand slid down his body. He felt his shirt get pulled off roughly, falling back as soon as it had been discarded. He tried to speak again but could only manage a whimper. He kept trying, but the cry that escaped his body instead betrayed him.

Zack had trailed kisses down his chest and had sucked down on one of his nipples. He’d looked back at him, pleased by the reaction he’d received and proceeded to twist and bite them between licks just to get him to moan louder.

“You turn me on so much.”

Zack breathed out as he kissed back down along his chest. He slid a hand down between them to stroke his cock. Kissing over his stomach while he started to undo his pants, sucking at his hipbone before pulling him out and stocking him gently.

Cloud wasn’t prepared for it, and even though he could barely move his own body, when he felt Zack slide him in to his mouth he tensed up and moaned again. He’d already let go to take his whole length in and sucked slowly.

He teased him by running his tongue around the head only when he almost pulled back entirely, before taking him down his throat again. He couldn’t hold on and when Zack moaned from having him deep inside him he came hard and long.

Zack pulled back when he was done and diligently swallowed everything. Licking up his stomach for good measure on his way back up to him. Cloud was breathing hard and flinched when he licked up his sore hip bone and across his stomach.

He felt his eyes roll back again, threatening to take him under after such an intense release, but he forced himself to focus on Zack. He’d moved up besides him again and pulled him in close, turning him to his side to spoon him.

He moved his arm down around his waist, nuzzling in to the back of his head. He was sure he’d passed out again until he felt Zack nibbling at his ear. He arched his back at the suddenly unbearable sensation.

Zack was kissing every inch of his neck down to his shoulder again and he moaned sharply when he sucked down too hard where he’d already marked him earlier. He felt him tug his pants down further while grinding in to him.

He placed a hand on his hip to keep him steady. Moving a little lower to get even closer. Cloud was paralyzed by the numbness that had spread through him and he couldn’t even react to Zack’s eager thrusts.

He accepted that this was probably all the man had wanted from him in the first place. He tried to push himself up on his arm again to move away, but only managed to roll off the pillow, moaning softly while he struggled even though his body barely responded.

His legs were tangled in his pants and he felt disgusted by all the sounds he still managed to emit despite being unable to form a single word. He let out a low whine in frustration while Zack continued grinding steadily in to his ass. The urgency creeping in on him once more of how numb he felt overwhelmed him. 

He felt exhausted as if he’d just come again when he felt another hand slide down between them and push a finger in to him. Cloud chocked a moan back and felt himself tense up again. Zack hovered over his shoulder for an moment before kissing his neck again. He shivered out another low moan and Zack started pumping his slick finger, then slowly inserting another. He felt himself arch in to his touch despite the pain.

“You’re so tight.”

Zack whispered in to his ear, nibbling at his earlobe when he slid in another. It hurt. He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t even yell. All he could do was whine through moans.

“I want to be inside you.”

He whispered again, moving a little lower before suddenly sliding his fingers out and angling his cock against his opening instead. The relief was brief and as soon as he felt the tip of his cock against him he held his breath.

Zack pushed in gently but every inch hurt more than the last. He winced in pain and whined out another moan. Zack stopped and kissed the back of his neck softly.

“Relax.”

He practically ordered, moving his hand up from his hip to tilt him towards him to kiss him. He felt him moan in to his mouth as he pushed further in and loved it. Zack only broke the kiss to let his head roll back, moaning softly as he worked his way deeper.

It was only when he’d kissed him over the same tender spots he’d sucked and nibbled at all night along his neck that he’d let out another whimper. Zack pushed in further, making sure he’d gotten himself almost all the way in before pulling back only an inch and pushing back in.

The sudden thrust made Cloud cry out and Zack groaned from pleasure. He moved both his hands back to his hips before thrusting in to him again. He could feel him twitch inside of him each time he slammed his whole length in.

He was torn open, crying through moans that he couldn’t control from something he was hitting inside him. He groaned from pleasure even though the only other thing he could feel was excruciating pain. He hated that all he could feel was being filled up by his cock.

Zack kept fucking him slowly. He hadn’t realized he’d already made Cloud cum again. But he sounded so good that he wanted to make it last and kept pulling out slowly before thrusting back in. Kissing his neck at every moan he forced from him.

Soon even he started to moan louder and fuck harder, thrusting in to him with more urgency. He was getting so close, but he wanted to get Cloud off again too. He slid his other hand back down to his dick, feeling cum all over the sheets already.

“You came so much.”

Zack breathed out, surprised. He used his cum-covered hand to stroke him while he thrust in roughly again. Feeling how hard his cock still was in his hand after cumming so much again so soon sent him over the edge.

He wasn’t able to focus on jerking him off. He held him tight and moaned in to his neck when his next thrust was so hard he came deep inside him. Cum filled his ass and Cloud felt himself cum again in to Zack’s hand, his face rolling back against his.

Zack slid his hand slowly from his spent throbbing cock, wiping his load off his hand on the sheets before sliding his arm back around him. He felt Zack nuzzle in to his neck again, but all he could do was feel like he was going to pass out from the pain.

When Zack tried to pull out of him he moaned pitifully from the torment of him just moving again. Even though he wasn’t as hard anymore, it hurt too much, and the feeling of cum leaking out as he softened felt too strange.

He felt his eyes roll back before they shut closed on him. He couldn’t move and Zack had stayed still long enough, holding him against him tightly, that he lost consciousness while he was still inside of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's almost it for junon  
> but im still open to suggestions for the part between junon and nibelheim  
> then it'll be back to the regular script in nibel


	20. Post-First Time

It felt like waking up to a heart attack. All that came through his numbed senses was pain and the overwhelming sense that he’d of been better off dead.

He groaned trying to focus on his surroundings with great difficulty. He could barely open his eyes. Everything was too bright and every sound was excruciating.

Wincing through a blinding headache at an unfamiliar room. Slowly everything came back to him. Every touch, every kiss, and every word of his night with Zack.

He regretted it all. He felt so stupid, wishing he’d known what to expect, or that he’d of just set boundaries sooner. Left wondering why he’d trusted him back so easily.

He didn’t know if he’d of listened either way if he’d asked him to stop. With how drunk they’d been, and how contradictory he’d acted himself.

He could still feel his body around his. Inside his. Just barely beneath the agony he was forced to bare.

He stared at the various machines he was hooked up to who’s incessant beeping was burning out his senses. He forced himself to take in his immediate surroundings.

It all looked like standard Shinra equipment and he groaned at the irony of thinking it was possible to end up anywhere else. He shut his eyes to give himself the courage to try to move.

Trying to lean one way or another made him realize how sore his entire body was. He managed to make out a girl sitting in a chair by the door, but it took a while to remember who she was.

It was that other red-headed Turk. And once she noticed he’d woken up she slammed the book she was reading shut, stood up, then walked over to him.

“The boss refuses to fill me in”

She announced firmly, even though she’d almost looked over her shoulder from her own words, playing it off as a shrug instead.

“I’ve blocked surveillance of this room while I’m here.”

It sounded as if she was reassuring herself more than she was reassuring him. Either that or she’d meant it as a threat. 

When she didn’t say anything else he looked back at her, wishing there was a point to this. She was staring down at his exposed arm. 

Her expression was cold and remained neutral. He wanted to tell her to get out, but he knew she wouldn’t listen.

His head was splitting, but he’d just as soon glanced down past the IV stuck in his arm to see that there was deep bruising around his wrist.

He couldn’t focus on where the pain was coming from. He felt debilitated and high from whatever they had him on.

All he could do was remain still to avoid feeling any more of himself than he needed to. For once he was grateful for the drugs.

By the time they’d been administered in the past he’d already suffered through enough not to feel it anymore in the first place. It usually felt as if the artificial numbness erased him instead of the pain.

He remembered how hard Zack had held his arms above his head before stripping him. He let his head roll to the other side, avoiding the Turk’s continued stare.

He wondered what the rest of his body looked like while he tried to remember what happened after that, wishing that he’d of just died in his arms.

“Can you speak?”

The girl asked and he glanced back at her to see if she was serious before looking away again.

The pent up anger of not having been able to speak or move his body while Zack just, didn’t notice, reminded him exactly what he’d been through.

“Can you?”

The Turk urged on as she clutched her book tightly over her chest. She didn’t really look like she wanted to be there, but she still waited for him to answer.

“Yes.”

Her staring was unbearable, so he’d managed an answer, but he hadn’t expected his face to hurt so much from the effort. His jaw was sore to the point that it felt swollen and his voice was strained.

She’d looked away when he’d answered, as if reconsidering why she was there again. He wanted to leave if she wouldn’t and tried to sit up despite knowing better.

Pain shot up through his back and he bit back a groan to avoid yelling out. He laid back down and stared at the ceiling in abject horror.

“They’re going to keep you a while longer.”

He’d already accepted that, but her words still left him feeling confined. Panicking, wishing the pain had been worth it, even though he could barely remember anything but shouting after the act.

“You should have stayed away from him.”

Cloud met her glare out of spite and they remained silent for a long time before she spoke again.

“You almost died. Do you realize that?”

He couldn’t hold her vindictive eyes and was forced to look away while she pressed on.

“I read your file. You’ve been comatose for about..”

She quickly glanced at the clock on the wall and looked back at him.

“15 hours.”

When she received no reaction she sighed and looked out of the nearest window instead.

“I read Zack’s file too. Even though I already knew there would be nothing. He doesn’t know I stayed behind. Not that I was going to stay much longer. You never know how long comas can last. And, well, the doctors weren’t very encouraging.”

She shifted her weight again, this time glancing further away before moving on.

“Tseng had to sedate Zack. He was hysterical. He said he’d never go back to work otherwise, if he was stuck here waiting for you to wake up.”

She clarified, dryly. Her voice wasn’t as steady as when she’d began and he desperately wished she’d just stop.

“Why are you here?”

He asked, implying heavily that he wished she wasn’t. He proceeded to regret his question when she turned back to him to answer and he’d finally recognized the bible she was holding.

“I needed to tell you something. What Zack did. What you tricked him in to. You deserved it.”

He stared back at the ceiling, struggling to ignore what she had to say. He was so mad, and in so much pain. All he could think of was why they would let a person so young join the Turks.

“You tempted him in to something unnatural. He would never treat someone like that if it wasn’t.”

She looked disturbed. She was pale, and her eyes had lost the steadiness she’s began her accusations with.

“You should understand. Only a woman’s body is pure and strong enough for a man.”

She stared down at him with so much contempt he wished he hadn’t said anything at all.

“I was praying you wouldn’t wake up. But the boss said you weren’t worth worrying about anymore either way.”

She stepped away from him at her admission. Taking another hesitant step towards the exit.

“Surely you’d never attempt something so foolish again. You should just quit the company. They’ve killed for less.”

The silence was deafening before he realized he hadn’t heard the door. He turned his head painfully. His neck felt bruised as he strained to see her just standing there.

“He’s sorry.”

Their eyes met again and Cloud tried to make out how it was possible for her words to lack so much empathy. She glared at him just as coldly as before.

“He kept apologizing, over, and over again.”

She practically spat out.

“But he won’t remember. The boss insists on it. He won’t be able to tell you, but he’s sorry.”

Cloud couldn’t look at her anymore. It wasn’t that Zack realizing what he’d done to him was too painful, it was that he couldn’t stomach that even after all that Tseng still had him.

“Zack regrets it. He’s better off starting over. He’s too important to agonize over something so trivial as a mistake like you.”

Her voice started to shake, and he couldn’t tell if it was from anger, or sadness, but she went on.

“He’s not that kind of person. He’s a good person.”

The Turk finally neared the door, but paused, looking back at him as if she’d wanted to say something else. Instead the door finally sealed shut behind her.

Cloud was left alone with her words. He tried to forget, but she’d made her point and it left him wondering if his mother would have felt the same way about what he’d done.

He’d never known anyone else to read that bible in Nibelheim besides her. It wasn’t something that people talked about openly.

It was referenced constantly, in their speech, and in their traditions, but he’d never questioned her about it. He’d never even once read it himself.

He wondered if that’s what his mother had meant about temptations in the city. But they couldn’t be right. He already knew this could happen anywhere.

He just hadn’t thought it would happen with Zack. His chest seized and he shut his eyes tightly, as if controlling the pain would allow him to think clearly.

Nevertheless he refused to work through it. His own uncertainties were destructive and he felt like he’d suffocate unless he could get his heart to stop racing.

He didn’t want to deal with any of it. It wasn’t up to her to apologize on his behalf. Yet he wondered what he’d of said if Zack had been the one waiting for him instead.

He was nowhere to be seen and he worried what Tseng had already done to him by now. It was his fault. If he’d of taken things more seriously he could have convinced him to stay away from him.

He must have drifted off, because by the time he came to again, he was surrounded by nurses. They were adjusting his IV, checking his vitals and various monitors.

A doctor stepped forward and started to explain that his condition was stable and that he should be discharged soon, but that they were still running more tests to determine what had cause his acute short-term coma.

They provided a meticulously calculated time-frame for his recovery and eventual re-transfer to Midgar. They then proceeded to complain about how his body was not being punctual about said schedule

Cloud looked at the doctor only when he’d mentioned Midgar and tried to speak again, even though his jaw only seemed to feel worse.

“Midgar?”

“Yes. Midgar.”

The doctor repeated, lowering his data pad.

“You do remember Midgar, don’t you? Name and rank.”

“Cloud Strife. Infantry. Security Unit 36. Why am I being sent back?”

His voice was just as strained as before, but he needed to understand how he was going to be able to go back so soon.

“Oh.”

The doctor looked back at his data pad and shuffled through it for a moment before instructing everyone else to leave the room.

“Well actually, you aren’t really being re-transferred, because the original transfer paperwork was declined by HQ. By the president himself actually. Because director Lazard deserted, he decided to tighten up security. So technically it’s just a transfer.”

“What.”

Cloud was lost. He had no idea how long he’d been in Junon’s medical bay by now and started to worry that he was really being sent back. That he was really going to see Zack again. 

The doctor explained that he was already in the protected database of personnel that were linked to a SOLDIER operative’s DMW. In the absence of Lazard the president decided restructuring was in order to prioritize SOLDIER.

He was told that a covert unit was created within the infantry and that they would primarily be assigned to assist said SOLDIER operatives on missions.

That the covert unit was to prevent people from asking questions. When they were pulled from independent units to assist them before it had raised too many concerns. 

“What.”

He repeated, confused.

“You’re being transferred to a new unit as soon as you’re discharged. If you accept, of course.”

When he didn’t answer the doctor waited for a long time before speaking up again.

“Listen, your condition when you were brought in was dismal and I’m obligated to ask you if you remember what happened to you.”

“Yes.”

“Was is consensual?”

After a long silence the doctor shifted, debating waiting any longer.

“Will you press charges?”

When he still received no answers he started tapping his foot.

“Not that it would matter either way. He’s a 1st.”

He corrected himself, before looking back over his shoulder.

“Well, it still matters. You can say it. But Shinra would just erase it even if it was declared. What I meant to ask was, will you stay with Shinra?”

“Yes.”

“Are you certain? Do you understand the risk involved in working with SOLDIER again?”

“I don’t care.”

Cloud wished he hadn’t spoken, but he’d answered and the doctor was at a loss of what else to say. He simply proceeded to walk away.

“There are services if you need to talk. Just make an appointment through one of the nurses. If you don’t change your mind, you’ll be dispatched along with the next set of recruits to Midgar by the end of the week.“

He left and he couldn’t believe what he’d done. Everything was so muddled in his mind that he had trouble recalling anything besides how painful it had all been, and how close they were while he was inside him.

He wished he didn’t want to be in his arms again. How could he, when he’d been the one to tear him open and use him like that.

It wasn’t long before he’d discovered the extent of his injuries. The deep bruising on his hips, neck, and around his wrists, as well as the 29 stitches he bore explained why any movement was agony.

He hated that they must have all assumed he’d done it on purpose. He didn’t care about his body, but he worried that they were right. That he had done it without caring if it had felt good at all for him.

He didn’t speak to anyone else about what had happened during his stay. Then once his belongings that he’d stashed away were returned to him, he was discharged and instructed on where to rendez-vous for the next departure.

When he made it outside for the first time in days he was struck by the smell of the salt water and how soothing the sound of the waves were. He’d banally followed the orders he’d been given but couldn’t help stare out at the sea the entire way.

When he’d arrived at the truck no one was around and he hesitated. He felt he should keep walking, down out of Junon, and straight in to the sea.

He dropped his bag by the reinforced barrier onlooking the ocean and had to convince himself not to simply scale the wall to jump instead.

He sat down next to his bag and held his head. He didn’t know what he was doing and every thought back to their night together made him feel sick.

It took a long time for him just to steady himself not to throw up, but once he had he fished his phone out of his bag. It had become a habit to avoid thinking of anything by reading anything he could online when he didn't have anything with him.

Luckily there was still battery, since he'd turned the thing off before stashing it. He had no missed calls, and only one missed email.

\------------------------------------  
Subject: Personnel Announcement 0207  
\------------------------------------

From: Shinra News  
Contents: 

This is an official notification of the change  
in status for the following personnel. 

Lazard Deusericus - Director of SOLDIER: Killed in action

Hollander - Science Department: Killed in action

\--

He knew they were lying. Zack had told him he’d screwed up and let Hollander go. Lazard must have deserted as well. That must have been why SOLDIER was a mess.

But he didn’t care about any of that, he was angry Zack hadn’t bothered checking up on him. Then again, he knew Tseng had taken care of making sure he wouldn’t remember any of what he’d done to him.

He held himself back from throwing the useless device against the nearest wall and pocketed it instead. He couldn’t afford a replacement anyways.

With all the medical debt he’d racked up by now, he didn’t expect he’d ever be able to pay it all off. So what was the point?

He tried to calm himself down, telling himself it wasn’t Zack’s fault, that what had happened was equally his responsibility, and that he’d never intentionally hurt him.

Except that he had, and he hadn’t bothered asking if it was okay, or if he was alright while he did it. But maybe he had. Maybe he wasn’t remembering right.

He couldn’t piece together anything he’d said to him except begging him not to leave. And as far as what Zack had said, all that he could recall now were his overwhelmingly loud moans, and how much he had screamed for him to wake up afterwards

He felt like he was going to be sick again. His gut threatening to spill out whatever he’d been holding back. Leaning weakly against the barrier he wondered if he'd be able to go through with it.

He couldn’t believe he was going back to Midgar and wished he’d just kept walking instead. He probably wouldn’t of made it a day on his own outside the city in the state he was in, but he’d rather die than go back now.

He wondered who any of the other men in Unit 44 would be, and why any of them were working for Shinra. He hated to think that it was all because of SOLDIER.

He waited for everyone to embark before he was ordered to do so. He kept his helmet on and his scarf high and pretended to sleep.

Not that he didn't want to, he just preferred not being involved in their conversations. Being forced to listen to all the other men heading to the city’s optimistic plans for how they would make a life in Midgar was bad enough.

The road from Junon to Midgar was rough and he knew he’d made a mistake. But they were too far out for him to walk back either way. All he could do was grit his teeth a bare it.

He wished it would be possible to pretend none of it happened. After all, to Zack, none of it had, so why should he be the only one to suffer.


	21. Always in repair

Back in Midgar Cloud's eyes were downcast and he wore his scarf up high to hide the still fading bruises on his neck. He wasn’t interested in letting anyone know what happened, but he couldn't shake the paranoia that anyone could tell just by looking at him.

When he’d reached his new unit, dubiously named 44 while located on floor 44, he glanced around the otherwise deserted area before entering their quarters after a long moment of hesitation. When he'd patrolled this floor in the past it had only been used for storage.

He'd been given a special keycard and told that only they or authorized personnel could access the floor. The men in the room went silent when he entered and they all stared at each other for answers before one of the men sitting around the table near the entrance stood up and walked towards him.

“Cloud Strife. Good to have you finally join us.”

“Greene?”

“That’s Captain Greene now.”

“Sir.”

Cloud saluted but Greene simply put a hand on his shoulder and turned to face the rest of their unit once he'd reached him.

“We’ve served together before. You can all count on Strife.”

Greene reassured, but Cloud was surprised. Their last conversation hadn't ended on the best terms after the first attack on HQ. And even though the gesture had been well intentioned, his shoulder stung at his touch and he was glad when he removed his hand to point out introductions next.

He'd looked the others over at least once but hadn't recognized anyone else. He felt nauseous from the trip and the pain and being stared at wasn't helping. Several more introductions were made before some men lost their patience and started pressing for information.

“Why were you transferred so late? Who’s your link?”

“He doesn’t have to answer that.”

Greene reprimanded and proceeded with the introductions. Making sure to name everyone, even those few who hadn’t bothered to get up. When he finished he sighed before looking back at Cloud.

“Our floor is programmed just like all of the others with the curfew protocol, but know that it’s now considered optional under your rank.”

Greene then pointed out which bunk he could use and Cloud dropped his bag down by it before turning back to Greene who handed him a new phone.

“Here. Your old one will be deactivated.”

Cloud swapped his old phone with it and Greene turned back to the rest of the unit for a moment.

“Remember everyone. You might be a mess of a mismatched group, but this is a covert unit. An experimental, covert, unit. Those that leak information will be dealt with criminally. No exceptions.”

He then turned back to Cloud and looked him in the eye.

“You did join voluntarily, didn't you?”

“I did.”

Greene gave him a nod before returning to the pile of paperwork he'd had stacked on the table.

"The unit was formed a week ago though, where were you?"

One squad-mate insisted while Cloud put his things away in storage.

"Junon."

Cloud answered plainly, hoping to be left alone.

"Since the attacks? I thought everyone came back."

"I was injured. They just discharged me."

"Oh, sorry."

Cloud stood back up awkwardly, trying to figure out what kind of mess he'd signed up for. What was prioritizing SOLDIER supposed to mean?

"So, who's your link?"

The same man asked again.

"Huh?"

He received some rolled eyes, or frustrated sighs, but someone else clarified.

“You know, your connection in SOLDIER. Is it new?”

“Yea, did you just meet your link?”

“No.”

Cloud looked away, unwilling to say, and the men around him just looked between themselves in confusion or frustration. They'd crowded around his bunk and he didn't know what to do with himself.

“Sephiroth was in Junon that day, wasn’t he?”

One piped up almost with as much excitement as there was accusation in his tone.

“Yeah, you’re right!”

Another confirmed.

“What!? You’re linked with Sephiroth!?”

Others seemed to panic at the notion. Cloud couldn’t believe how aggravated half the men had gotten at the mention of the 1st and backed away but there wasn't anywhere to go between the rows of bunks.

“No one’s ever linked with Sephiroth! What are you idiots talking about!?”

Greene shouted from across the room, but when he didn't hear Cloud correct them he got up to intervene.

“He’s right isn’t he? Who else from SOLDIER was there? But who knew his type was small and frail.”

The one who'd been insisting from the start, named Williams, had taunted further, stepping up to him. Cloud was too tired to hold his anger back so that when the other man moved forward he lost his nerve and took a step forward as well.

Except, instead of responding something to deny the accusation or insult, he threw his fist up and struck Williams in the face hard enough for him to stumble back in to the opposite bunk. Cloud could feel his heart racing and yet the immensity of his regret still failed to restrain his urge to hit him again.

Another squad-mate had already grabbed his arm to prevent him from continuing and others were trying to hold back Williams from retaliating when Greene pushed through to them and everyone froze.

“That’s enough!”

Greene looked like he was about to lose his nerve entirely as well, even if it had only been a week that he'd been captain.

“I won't tolerate this kind of crap in my unit. It doesn’t matter who he’s linked to. Half of you are only linked to 3rd class SOLDIER, so check yourselves unless you want to get fired. I have explicit permission to dismiss any of you who do not cooperate on this unit.”

“Yes, sir.”

Most of the men echoed back and Greene scanned the room for those who hadn’t. He clearly wasn't joking about wanting to fire them, but Cloud wondered if he really had the authority to or if it was just an empty threat.

“So, why won't you tell us?”

One squad-mate insisted, even though the others had retreated to their own bunks.

“It doesn’t matter.”

Cloud answered weakly, sitting down on his bunk and opening his new phone, wondering what the difference was with the old one.

“’Course it matters. We all already know each other's.”

“It won’t last.”

Cloud clarified without looking at him. He'd signed in to his mail service and everything was transferred, not that he'd needed any of his old emails anyways.

“Links are stronger than that.”

Cloud just shut his phone and laid down, ignoring what he'd said. They went on with their business and he just tried to forget what had just happened despite the ache in his right hand.

Williams looked like he wanted to kill him the next day, so he stayed away. He tried to familiarize himself with their floor instead, since these old levels were used exclusively for storage before he wondered if they’d only cleared out the one space for their quarters.

He couldn’t quite grasp that he was back in HQ, especially under such bizarre circumstances. He felt like half his unit already hated him because of what he'd done and he couldn't contain his frustration at himself for resorting to fighting again.

He looked in each room and most were indeed still used for storage, but a few were emptied out entirely and left that way, another had been converted in to a washroom, and one more in to a room with just tables, chairs, and lamps, like a study room.

He fell back in to spending all his time avoiding people. Wishing he could figure out how to take Shinra down from the inside without being found out first. He struggled to take orders seriously and Greene had already reprimanded him for it during morning training.

As for work duties, they had changed entirely and none of them were on the front lines. Greene explained that if they were to be put at risk it would only be to benefit SOLDIER. He felt like even more of a pawn in the company. Being treated like he was suddenly important only made him angry about the way they treated everyone else.

After a few days several of his squad-mates approached him after training one morning. He’d failed to brush them off and he could already feel his heart racing from the anxiety as his mind hurried through different outcomes.

“We asked around, and only one guy in SOLDIER said he knew you, but that you definitely weren’t HIS link.”

They pressed on, surrounding him, but Cloud only glared past them, desperately trying to calm down as he hurried to put this equipment away.

“He didn’t tell us who it was, but we know he knows.”

Cloud tried to walk past them after locking up, but one of them grabbed his shoulder to hold him back.

“If you don’t tell us, we’ll just get him to tell us eventually.”

Cloud shoved him off brusquely and they all took a step back. Somehow it had been enough to let him walk away that morning. He knew it would all come out if they ever assigned him another mission, but he dreaded it happening sooner than later.

The next SOLDIER exam was in just a few days, and even though half his unit was talking about taking it, he’d already decided not to. They talked about being closer to their links and by the looks of it some must have been working on it for a while. The rest seemed uninterested in remaining in the infantry in general.

He hadn’t been sleeping well, despite his new prescriptions and the boring to death clerical work they had him doing every day. He was kept awake by the silence he was forcing himself through and the stress of not knowing what to do next.

He hated the quagmire of a machine that Shinra was. He hated having to take so much care of himself to even survive it. He held on to the irony that they were helping him heal without knowing that they were harboring a traitor.

He hadn’t been thinking about missing the exam at all that morning, even though half his unit had been missing. After their regular training session he walked out of the facilities only to see Zack again, far sooner than expected.

He stopped when he’d seen him leaning against a wall in the hallway chatting it up. Several men from his unit who’d finished up sooner were talking to him, but as soon as their eyes met Zack excused himself and moved past them to him with a serious air.

“Cloud.”

“That’s my name.”

Cloud meant to use the phrase as Zack had in the past, but his tone was all wrong. He was angrier than he could understand, and seeing him again so soon had him looking past him to see who was watching them.

“You weren’t at the exam.”

“So?”

“What do you mean, so?”

“What’s it to you?”

Zack took a step back, shocked by his cold responses. This wasn't how he pictured their conversation going. He placed his hands on his hips and frowned back at him.

“Wadya mean, what’s it to me? You’re the one who said you wanted to join SOLDIER.”

More men from his unit had gathered to watch and Cloud just walked away. Zack kept frowning and spun around immediately when he walked past him.

“Uh, helllooo? I’m talking to you!”

Zack shouted, visibly irritated at being ignored and followed him. Cloud knew he would never hear the end of this from his unit and was already agonizing over his attempt to leave. Full well knowing it was futile, yet unable to stop walking faster.

“Wait a minute!”

Zack shouted again. He was getting upset, but expected they’d be able to talk when they’d reach the elevator. Instead he watched as he deviated down a different hallway towards the emergency exit.

“Cloud!”

He flinched when Zack called his name. He’d already swung the door open and started heading down the steps. As soon as he heard the door open behind him the guilty for not just talking to him in the first place washed over him and he almost stopped.

He couldn’t outrun him. Even so, he couldn’t stop himself from descending. It was only when Zack grabbed one of his arms that he'd been forced to stop, almost stumbling when he tried to pull away still.

“Cloud, what’s going on?”

It wasn’t that he’d gripped him too roughly. He could feel his grip loosening already when they froze in place once he'd caught his footing again, but the way that he had pulled him to face him unnerved him and he couldn't look him in the eye.

“Nothing.”

“Listen. I asked about the last exam too, and they said you didn’t attend either.”

“I changed my mind.”

“About SOLDIER? Why?”

Zack’s grip loosened further and Cloud pulled back, not daring taking another step up or down, but leaned against the railing instead.

“Was it something I said?”

Zack pulled away hesitantly and rubbed the back of his neck at his own question.

“No.”

Cloud answered bluntly and Zack searched for a sign that he was lying. Zack was clearly unsure about what had happened. His memories between Modeoheim and now were fuzzy at best.

“Was it something I did?”

Zack insisted.

“No.”

With the same response Zack still looked worried. Cloud felt himself lean back against the railing further, trying to avoid his eyes but the pain in his chest was telling him he wouldn't be able to say much else at this rate

“I don’t usually drink that much, but I can barely even remember the drinking part this time. I’m sorry if I was rude to you or the other guys or anything.”

Zack apologized, even though he didn't seem to know for what, it sounded terribly sincere.

“Me and the guys?”

Cloud managed to question despite not wanting to hear his answer.

“Yeah, after the Junon mission. I promised to take you all out. I made a fool of myself didn’t it? Is that’s why you're trying to avoid me?”

Cloud lost his balance and almost slid down a step but Zack quickly took his arm again. He was thankful for being held up this time at how suddenly his vertigo came on.

"Are you okay?"

Zack questioned softly, but once he’d steadied himself he brushed his hand off, holding on to the guardrail firmly instead. He avoided acknowledging his question, staring over the railing at the endless shaft of darkness bellow. He tried to answer the previous question instead.

“You didn't do anything. Everyone’s fine.”

Cloud lied about the other men, he knew there were no other men. It horrified him that it was possible for them not only to erase, but to actually modify memories. He didn’t know what to think anymore. He was tired of having to start over and didn’t even know if he really wanted to.

“Just ask that Turk. She was there.”

Cloud tried to dismiss the conversation further, but he couldn’t hide the spite in voice. He felt faint again and held on to the railing harder. He felt like such an idiot for bringing up the Turks so carelessly just because he was still angry at that girl.

“Cissnei?”

Zack questioned and moved closer, placing a hand on his arm again, trying to get him to look up at him.

“I don’t know. You didn’t say.”

He answered back bitterly. He wouldn't meet his eyes and tried to pull his arm away but Zack barely registered it, pressing on his questioning.

“What did she do?”

“Nothing. She just watched.”

He tugged again and when Zack didn’t respond he pulled harder.

“Let go of me!”

Cloud shouted, taking a step down in desperation to gain leverage, but when he'd pulled he'd only managed to slip and Zack had to step down as well to make sure he didn't lose his footing.

“Wait.”

Zack insisted only letting go when he was sure Cloud was steady again.

“Please tell me.”

He begged and Cloud was horrified. There was no use remembering. He didn't want to fear something that shouldn't of happened in the first place. He turned back to face him, trying to look at him in the eyes and failing.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does.”

Zack argued plainly, but calmly, stepping forward, and then awkwardly receding the next instant.

“We got drunk. The guys probably don't remember either. Just forget about it.”

Cloud dismissed again coldly. He hated the tone of his own voice. He just wanted to get off the subject but he couldn't help his heart from pounding against his chest. He couldn't tell if it was from anger, or fear, or sadness. All he knew was that it was painful.

“I’m sorry.”

Zack practically whispered.

“For what?”

Cloud asked immediately. It wasn’t that he’d expected an apology, but being the only one who knew why he was apologizing overwhelmed him.

“I don’t know.”

Zack admitted and Cloud bit his lip not to respond anything else. He forced himself to meet his eyes after some time.

“Just don’t overdo it next time.”

Cloud offered, finally seeing the pain in his bright eyes and his reluctance to leave it at that. He’d given him a nod but Cloud reached up and gripped his shirt to pull him down to face him suddenly. Zack leaned forward in surprise, staring back with wide-eyed as Cloud brushed past the side of his face to whisper in to his ear.

“Oh, and, don’t trust the Turks.”

“Huh??”

Zack could only stare back with his mouth agape as Cloud stepped down away from him, glaring back at him as if he should take his words as life or death. Cloud paused before exiting at the next floor.

Cloud avoided his unit for the rest of the day and worked late. He returned to his quarters past curfew that night, yet was greeted with whistling and cheering. More than half were missing and those left were wide awake.

“So it was a 1st after all!”

Cloud’s vexed reaction left little amusement among the men as they approached him.

“No one really knows about that new 1st. He was Angeal’s prodigy or something, right?”

“Yeah.”

Cloud offered back, making his way past them to dump the files he hadn’t finished compiling that day in his storage unit.

“When did you meet?”

He didn’t want to be having this conversation, but he hoped that if he simplified he’d avoid most of it.

“The mission was classified.”

“Because of the deserters?”

There were gasps and the others started arguing before another spoke up.

“Have you seen the real Genesis since the desertion?”

Cloud looked away and the others assumed it meant he just couldn’t say and they couldn’t believe it.

“You did! Did he seem okay?”

“Why are you worried about Genesis?”

Cloud shot back and the one who'd asked looked guilty, stepping back while others laughed.

“I heard that Zack guy has the most links out of anyone in SOLDIER. That doesn’t bother you?”

Another asked and Cloud glared at the ground, evidently irritated.

"How does it feel to be one of seven?"

One more taunted, but he preferred not knowing how they knew it was seven people. He could only guess maybe 2, or 3, so even with him, who were the 3 others?

"Guess he's not feeling Lucky. Is that why you're breaking up with him? You'll get transferred if that happens."

“We’re just friends.”

Cloud argued, rolling his eyes up to the ceiling in frustration for a moment before looking away again back to the exit.

“Just friends?”

They questioned back almost in unison. Some seemed angry he was avoiding the subject, but most just laughed.

"It didn't look that way this morning."

“We just assumed that you were-”

The discussion started to get muddled and Cloud wanted to walk away, except that he was too tired to convince himself to, trying to end it instead.

“I don’t care if you guys are.”

Cloud clarified, crossing his arms.

“Whatever.”

One dismissed and there was a long silence. Cloud was hoping they would drop it when he noticed how many of them were really missing and he doubted that so many had suddenly made it in to SOLDIER that morning.

"Where's Greene and the others?"

"They were dispatched. Big mission just came up in Corel."

"Corel?"

Cloud didn't know where that was, but he knew a mission in the middle of nowhere couldn't mean anything good. At least he was thankful he knew that meant Zack wasn't sent.


	22. Compromise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another day in Midgar.
> 
> /thank you for sticking around on this fic! I want to apologize for all the mistakes in the last few chapters. To be honest english isn't my first language, it's french, but then again my french sucks too so I guess I just don't make sense sometimes. So thank you for reading anyways!

Cloud had been waking up abruptly from nightmares without fail if he managed to get any sleep. He couldn't grasp the intensity of them, attempting to force them out of his mind by any means necessary.

He kept telling himself they would stop. He didn't want to accept they were even happening. Frozen in place, breathing hard, he'd dreamed he'd been dragged in and held under water that night.

He could still feel how cold the water had been and the hands that had held him down. He'd looked down at his arms, paranoid he'd missed something, but it was only a dream.

Feeling stupid for even looking. What bruises there were had long faded and according to the medical staff he should have been completely healed by now.

He couldn't bring himself to accept how much pain he was still in. He didn't care about his body. He didn't care about himself. It was easy to be reckless when all you did was keep pushing forward.

He'd barely gotten any sleep since returning, fearing more nightmares, and possessed by the idea that he needed to get information to end all of this. He forced himself to get up and check the time without making a sound.

He knew anything he did would look suspicious, but he was long past caring. Curfew would be lifted soon and he decided that since half his unit was missing, that meant training was optional.

Mornings were worse than ever. He felt sick. He’d felt sick ever since he was told he was being sent to Junon. He wondered if it had lasted this long already, and despite his healed injuries, then he’d never get rid of the feeling.

He ducked out before the others woke up and he spent that morning in the archives. He continued digging through files and was left wondering what had obsessed Sephiroth when he'd done the same.

If he'd spent over a week in here looking for something the company had done too, then could he be part of the desertion as well after all this time?

He worried about why Zack said that he'd returned to Modeoheim. He was unable to put it all together. He only felt guilty for even thinking of the other 1st and tried to focus on what he was there for instead.

He turned to look over his shoulder sharply even though no one had entered. He’d been doing it so often over the last week he started to get a cramp in his neck.

He knew he was being irrational, but every time someone spoke he felt they were accusing him of something and he couldn’t handle the realization that he was already losing it.

He didn't know why he was so stressed by the rest of his unit being in Corel, having just met them. He blamed it on being anxious about digging in to the company.

He always had the impression someone was sneaking up on him, and so everything alerted him. Every door opening, each footstep approaching had him looking back in fear.

He was still unnerved about seeing Zack again so soon and hadn’t been able to stop second guessing what little he’d said to him. He felt like he’d never speak to him again now that he knew he’d lost interest in SOLDIER.

He felt his stomach twist any time he tried to reason through whether or not things where better like this between them, since he needed time, especially to focus on figuring out how to bring the company down.

He’d come to accept that it couldn’t only be Zack who was being exploited in SOLDIER. Horrified at the thought of how many were routinely sent out to make way for new reactors.

He held his head in his hands, thinking about all the men that had been sent to Corel again. He hoped to god they would accept the proposal for their own sake.

The only reason they would send SOLDIER in is if the land negotiations weren't going well. He had to stop reading. It wasn't possible he hadn't made the connection before.

He’d only ever been on the defensive. And even when he was sent to Modeoheim, deserters weren’t exactly civilians. He couldn’t fathom that SOLDIER was really developed just to fight over more mako.

He couldn't understand how many could willingly kill over more energy extraction when everyone already lived so comfortably. They all trusted Shinra's expertise and standards without ever questioning their motive.

He realized that if there was one slogan Shinra had pushed over the years, it was that mako was the only choice, the only method of operation, of military efficiency, of control.

It felt as if everything he'd done since joining Shinra was necessary, necessary to get hired, necessary not to get fired. All necessary to get in to SOLDIER, and that he'd never questioned why he’d wanted it until everything started to go wrong.

He hated Shinra too much now to only be doing this for Zack’s sake anymore. He wanted to save him still, but after everything they’d been through, he couldn’t risk letting himself become delusional again. This was greater than either of them.

He'd left his phone in storage and had used an old emergency exit to go up a floor to the archives while carrying a handful of his own paperwork. Measures like those usually appeased his anxiety, but that morning was still weighing on him.

He got back in to the habit of working out when he was stressed. Taking breaks to do squats, push-ups, sit-ups, anything he could do without equipment. It allowed him a moment to decompress and start over.

He spent the morning reading through old files and reports and was disturbed at how many times town names were redacted. Some pages had so much information crossed out that they should have just been shredded.

He didn't know what to look for, but by back tracking through related files, it was all there. All classified under administrative research, or natural resource development.

He found that Corel was a mining town that had been listed among prospective Mako production sites years ago. Even with all the reactors they had, they still wanted to build more.

He was cautious to put every binder or folder back from where he'd taken it before going over another. If confronted, he would just claim he'd found the wrong one for his paperwork.

He rummaged through for hours, but the constant disruption of revisiting his conversation with Zack was plaguing him. He kept thinking about how to confront Tseng, but didn’t see any way the man would ever listen to someone like him.

He hated letting his mind stray. Even while reading rudimentary project proposals, or maintenance reports, while trying to line up Shinra’s implication in any known disaster over the last 20 years, he’d still think of Zack instead.

It made him feel severely nauseous. He couldn’t control his thoughts, let alone steady his own breathing. Accepting that there couldn’t be anything between them because he already had 6 other links was wearing thin.

He’d told him all he could for now. He had to take advantage of any time he had left until a mission came up again. By all odds he hoped he’d figure out what to do before then.

He lost track of how many push-ups he’d done while agonizing over the realization that he’d clearly brushed the older man off only to realize that if he lost interest in him, and if he got demoted because of it, he’d surely be fired.

He laughed until his arms gave out. Only managing to stop laughing hysterically when he rolled on to his back. The thought of how pitiful he must look on the ground if anyone was monitoring brought him full-circle back to anger.

His arms were sore, but he begrudgingly got up and held on to a shelf to catch his breath. He wiped tears from his eyes and returned to the binder filled with documentation on the Nibelheim reactor he'd been unable to finish reading earlier.

He tried to convince himself that reading something familiar might dim the fear of getting fired. Except that all it had done was remind himself of everything he’d run away from expecting to return on different terms someday.

He kept telling himself to accept that no matter how Zack ended up feeling about him, that he needed to at least try to keep his job in order to shut the company down.

The next thing he knew the sound of the door opening behind him woke him up from yet another nightmare. Cloud was so disoriented at the sight of the short redheaded walking towards him that he took a few moments to even realize he was still in the archives.

He closed the binder he'd fallen asleep on and stood up drowsily, backing away as Cissnei continued to approach, forgetting all about his contingency plan.

"What are you doing down here?"

She interrogated dryly, but he still took another step back, looking away

"Nothing."

"Lying won't get you out of this."

She stood over the pile of paperwork he'd brought with him and the binder labeled Nibelheim Research and Development.

"Nibelheim? There's a reactor there, right?"

"Yes."

"I finally had time to return to Midgar to catch up on internal affairs. You've been here everyday it seems."

She advanced again and he took another step back.

"You'll have to excuse my tardiness, there are many pressing matters and I thought I'd been quite clear in my warnings. So spare me the excuses and fill me in, why Nibelheim?"

"Why not?"

"Don't make me repeat myself."

Cissnei warned, moving closer again, but when he didn't respond she lost her patience. She grabbed one of his arms, moving behind him and shoving him down on the nearest desk, twisting his arm behind his back.

He hadn't seen it coming and hit the surface with a sharp grunt of pain before he realized she'd pinned him so easily. He tried to push back from the desk with his free hand but couldn’t .

He was too weak, but even if he’d been able to match her strength, he had no will to fight her. It wasn’t just because she was a Turk, or younger than him, but because she was a woman. He'd never been assaulted by a woman before.

"Let go."

He attempted, but only felt her push down harder in response.

"Why Nibelheim?"

"I'm from there."

He offered desperately through the pain, holding back cries while she continued to twist his arm.

"That doesn't give you permission to rummage through company property."

Tears started to fall as he struggled to hold back another scream, trying to muffle his agony, but the disgust in her voice was evident.

"What were you looking for? "

She asked with just as much impatience. She'd taken out her cellphone and was scrolling through it, keeping him pinned with only one hand.

"Nothing."

Cloud answered evenly despite the pain, Trying to keep his arm from dislocating from the amount of pressure she was placing took what little strength he had.

"I will write you up for this. I don't care that you're really from Nibelheim. Just spit it out."

She threatened, putting her phone away after having checked his personnel file, then leaned down over him.

"Why are you making trouble for the company? Is it for him? Did he ask you to do this?"

She sounded angrier by the second and he couldn't stop himself from answering through the pain.

"He didn't."

"I know you talked to him yesterday. What did he say to you?"

“Nothing!”

“What did he say? Did you tell him about Junon?”

“No!”

Cloud shut his eyes hard at the reminder but it only allowed him to picture that night so he forced his eyes back open instead, tears still streaming from them, increasingly desperate against the pain.

"He.."

Cloud started but was forced to hold back another scream, cringing in pain, he was too exhausted to hold his arm back anymore.

"Are you really this weak?"

She put more pressure on his arm to make her point but he couldn't contain himself from screaming out in pain.

"You're a waste of time and resources."

She glared down at him, but Cloud could only stare across to the other side of the room, trying to focus on anything but the pain despite the tears blurring his vision.

She started pulling his arm further back and he felt like he would pass out before she'd manage to break it. Groaning through grit teeth he regretted not taking her seriously sooner.

"Do you let everyone treat you this way?"

She asked, pushing him down harder at first before hesitating at her own words.

"Is this how he.."

She pulled back and let go of him, raising her voice as she backed away.

"Give up! If he confronts you again, say you couldn't find whatever it was. You’re better off not knowing okay."

She ordered, turning to leave before looking back when he hadn’t responded.

"Okay?!"

"..."

Cloud was rubbing his strained arm, barely able to look back at her, let alone respond.

"I’m serious. Give up on him too! You'll never be useful. You're clearly a mistake."

She’d added before leaving, but he didn't have time to dwell on her orders when he saw that he was late for his shift.

He returned the binder to it's place before gathering all his files and hurrying back to his quarters to at least change his shirt. He was drenched in sweat from all the push-ups he had done earlier.

He was scolded upon arrival but otherwise his shift went on as they all had. They'd given him extra work for not respecting his schedule, but he'd already taken up the habit of staying late after work anyways.

It was yet another opportunity to stay anywhere quiet and deserted before it was necessary for him to be elsewhere. He needed the time to think, especially that night.

If he could piece anything together, he looked up what he could through the company's intranet. Things he couldn't easily access otherwise since computers weren't set up anywhere but in administrative offices.

They’d been having him go over piles and piles of reports on Security personnel in the infantry to transcribe the information in summary for the new database. Shinra was finally going paperless it seemed and he hated every moment of it.

He especially hated having to decide what was pertinent information about perfect strangers, and even less about the ones that he knew. He started to doze off again, wondering what that Turk thought Zack was using him for information on.

Maybe Cissnei was right when she said he was a mistake. Seeing Zack again so suddenly had left him shaken, hoping he could forget about it all.

He could only dread how their next mission would go. He wasn’t sure if he should convince him to quit, or convince him to take the company down with him instead.

Cloud worried he’d lost his conscience long ago when it came to him. He managed to doze off once again before the sound of the door to the office opening woke him up and he lifted his head from off his arm suddenly.

He stared at his monitor for a second, forgetting what his nightmare was about when he saw articles on Shinra's arrival in Nibelheim left open. He closed his browser as quickly as possible before looking back at who had entered.

Zack was already standing just a short distance away from him, smiling at him with his hands held behind his back almost shyly.

"Working late?"

Zack asked casually, but Cloud stood up stiffly in return, staring at him as if he doubted he was really there.

"Yeah.."

"I knew you were a hard worker, but they don’t really make people work past curfew do they?”

“No.”

Cloud answered, glancing at the nearest clock instinctively, noting that it was indeed almost curfew. He tried to work up the resolve to leave and avoid whatever this was.

His heart was racing, and Zack was definitely really there. The pain in his arm from that morning reminded him it was all real. He turned his back to him to save his files and turn off the computer.

“What do they have you doing down here anyways?”

Zack stood tall before him, smiling while looking around the plain office with curiosity all the same.

“Nothing important.”

Cloud answered bluntly as he then gathered up the portion of paperwork he'd set aside for for next day. Fumbling with the stacks of folders for an instant, he had to lean on the desk to steady himself.

He hated always having the same reaction to him. His chest hurt, the pressure was suffocating and he couldn't think, holding the stack tightly in his arms while literally trying to get a grip.

“It has to be something?”

Zack insisted, clearly about to go off on some speech about how all work was important again when Cloud snapped.

“What do you want?”

“What?”

As soon as he'd heard the confusion in his voice he'd turned back to him to apologize.

“Sorry.”

He apologized, wishing he hadn't said anything at all in the first place. He dreaded making things worse between them and looked past him, frustrated that he was blocking his only path to leave.

“No, I’m sorry. Whatever happened, I didn’t mean it.”

Zack was staring at the ceiling , hurt and perplexed, providing yet another makeshift apology.

“That’s the problem.”

Cloud pointed out, resenting the spite in his voice, but unable to contain himself.

“What?”

Zack was just as confused, but Cloud clarified.

“You didn’t mean it.”

Silence crept in between them and Cloud checked the time again before attempting to step around him.

“I’m sorry if I didn't mean it?”

Zack offered, or questioned, while stepping in his way, but Cloud was too anxious to tell the difference in his tone anymore, raising his instead.

“Stop apologizing!”

Zack took a step back from shock before furrowing his brow and stepping back firmly in place not to let him pass.

“Fine. But I have this feeling that I-”

“Shut up. You don’t even know what you’re apologizing for!”

Cloud cut him off, glaring at the ground, frustrated he couldn’t get past him.

“Woah, hold on. I said fine. I'll stop. Just tell me what didn’t I mean?”

Cloud looked up, frozen by his plea. It made no sense to him to share pain that the other man was better off not knowing.

“It doesn’t matter.”

Cloud answered, visibly aggravated as he tightened his grip on his paperwork. He tried to move past him again, but Zack didn’t hesitate to move in front of him.

“It does.”

“Not to you.”

"That's not true."

Zack was getting frustrated as well, taking a step closer, but Cloud was almost past him and he panicked.

“Wait!”

Zack's hands flew up from behind his back to block him, except all Cloud could see were the flowers that suddenly sprung before him. Zack even seemed surprised himself, pulling back shyly for an instant before offering them to him.

Cloud was stunned. He didn't understand the offer. He wanted to refuse them, but Zack’s pleading gaze disarmed him, causing him to almost drop his files.

“I wanted you to have these.”

Zack stepped closer, still holding out the bouquet of mismatched flowers. Cloud had almost reached out for them, tightening his grip on the files he attempted to balance in one arm.

He wanted to be upset that they were just another apology. Or that it wasn’t customary to receive flowers. Except all he saw was how much he’d wanted to make him smile.

Zack's face was reddening at an impressive rate while he hesitated and he couldn't believe how embarrassed he looked, shyly glancing at anything but him while he waited for a response.

Zack couldn’t stand feeling flustered. His hand still outstretched with his gift. He scratched the back of his head with the other for a moment before caving in and speaking up again.

“I, uh. I mean, I can get you something else if you don’t like them.”

“No. I do.”

Cloud finally took them, staring down at them, wondering why he felt guilty for accepting them.

“Really?”

Zack's relief was apparent, his hand remaining outstretched for a moment in disbelief.

“They’re beautiful.”

Zack smiled wider and shifted his hands to his hips, as if victorious, and Cloud couldn't help but smile back at how happy he looked.

“So, you're done with work, right? Can I take you out to make up for last time?”

Cloud looked back down at the flowers. It had all been his fault last time. He wouldn’t let it happen again. But doubt crept in and he wasn’t sure it was worth the risk.

He kept staring at the flowers he'd tucked between the files and his chest and tried to think of an excuse to say no. Except all he felt instead was excitement and he resented himself.

“Well?”

Zack insisted keenly, but just as he did his phone went off and he looked angry at the interruption, putting his hands together to apologize first.

“Sorry. Hold on.”

Zack answered the call dryly, looking around the office again.

“Hello? ...Oh, whatever. Don't even. I already told you, I'm still annoyed with you. Get a 2nd for something that simple.”

Zack shut his phone off abruptly and returned it to his pocket, acting like nothing had happened, but when he saw Cloud's shocked expression he chuckled.

“Sorry about that. Tseng’s been.. annoying, lately.”

“I see.”

Cloud answered evenly, but his heart was racing from the fear of what Tseng would do next, staring down at the flowers anxiously again before Zack repeated.

“So, are you free?”

Cloud didn’t know what to say, uneasy, captivated by his shinning eyes once more, he quickly looked away, nervously balancing all the items in his arms before speaking up.

“I should go.”

“It’s not that late. Let’s go out, just for a bit.”

Zack insisted, but when he still got no response he took another step forward and Cloud inched away, backing up in to his desk awkwardly.

Zack dropped his arms along with his shoulders and looked dejected by his reaction before tilting his head in suspicion.

“What’s up? It’ll be fine. Half your unit is missing anyways.”

Zack tried a different strategy when he still received no response.

“We can do anything you want. My treat again.”

Zack was smiling his best smile.

“Just the two of us?”

Cloud asked hesitantly, but Zack didn’t seem pleased by the question.

“What’s wrong with that?”

Zack retorted and Cloud shrugged, avoiding his persistent gaze by setting his things back down on his desk. He then stuck the flowers in a half-empty glass of water on his desk before locking up his files.

“C’mon, it’ll be fun!”

Zack encouraged, gesturing excitedly as he always did, raising his fists decisively. Cloud leaned against his desk, still wondering how to get out of it, yet succumbing to his smile.

“Okay.”

“All right! Let’s go!”

Cloud moved to leave the room, relieved when he let him pass. Zack followed, but only after whispering his thanks to Aerith for the luck first.

As soon as they were out in the hallway Zack easily matched his step, smiling down at him fondly until they got to the elevator. He then turned to him after hitting the button.

“So, where do you want to go?”

He got closer and raised his arm as if he was going to bring it around him, so Cloud raised his own arm to meet his instead, turning away from his reach.

Zack stopped and they stared at each other for a moment before he recognized the gesture and tapped their forearm together with a smile.

“Anywhere.”

Cloud answered, relieved when Zack returned his awkward gesture again.

“Karaoke?”

The excitement in his proposition was excessive, but Cloud didn’t falter.

“Anywhere but Karaoke.”

Cloud’s tone was decisive and Zack instantly dropped his arms, dejected for an instant before bouncing right back.

“Okay, okay, anywhere else it is.”

Zack followed Cloud in to the elevator when it arrived and hit down for the lobby.


	23. 2nd First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this trope is complicated  
> OTL

They stood in the elevator in silence for a moment. Cloud stared at the descending numbers on the display while Zack stared at him.

He wanted to say something, anything to break the tension. He was feeling more and more self-conscious by the second, shifting uncomfortably, afraid to meet his wandering eyes.

“How’d you get that?”

Zack gestured to his left wrist and Cloud looked down at the red marks that were already showing signs of bruising. He wanted more than nothing to be out of sight, but he knew hiding it would only encourage him to get a better look.

“In training.”

Cloud shrugged and Zack looked concerned, confused even, until the elevator stopped and they exited without sparing an instant.

“So, how’s the new unit?”

Zack hummed his question, following him through the lobby. Cloud tried not to react, but all he could think of was if Williams would still hate him if he even made it back from Corel.

“Average.”

“Huh?”

By attempting to sound neutral, he just came off as detached and Zack didn’t quite understand, almost missing a step before debating.

“Your squadmates I’ve met so far seemed really nice. What do you mean average?”

“Nothing.”

“What? It can’t be nothing. If you don’t think they-”

“It’s nothing. I just had a disagreement with one of ‘em. The rest are fine.”

Zack softened his frown despite being cut off, giving him a sympathetic look. They’d reached the central square of sector 8 and headed towards sector 7.

“What kinda disagreement?”

Zack pressed but Cloud shrugged again, pushing the details to the back of his mind.

“Was it about Links?”

“Huh?”

Cloud almost froze from surprise, wishing they didn’t have to have this conversation.

“That’s all your squad-mates were going on about when I dropped by looking for you earlier.”

“Oh.”

Cloud couldn’t affirm or deny, the anger at what any of them might of kindly said to him had already seized him until he realized he was overreacting.

Zack waited for a response, matching his heavy pace easily, albeit practically hovering with impatience. He smiled nervously before looking off to the side to ask.

“So, what’s a Link?”

Cloud’s eyes widened at the question, avoiding Zack’s when he looked back at him. He was still terrified of not knowing how any of it worked, but he had to accept that it was better to talk about it now and get it out of the way, rather than pretend they had something special.

“The people you’re linked with. With your DMW.”

“Oh!”

Zack smiled at finally being clued in, his surprise changing to a laughter.

“That’s what they meant.“ He laughed again. "Sorry, I’m so used to it, I forget I have that thing sometimes.”

Zack attempted to lighten the mood, but Cloud wasn’t smiling back, he only watched as he rubbed the back of his head where the chip was installed anxiously. Even if he couldn’t feel it, he still remembered where they’d implanted it.

“How many do you have?”

Cloud asked, turning his eyes to the ground, but when Zack stopped he turned to face him hesitantly, regretting the question.

“Uhhh..”

Zack was the one looking away for once, still rubbing the back of his head. Nervously looking down to meet Cloud’s eyes for just a moment before answering.

“A few. Why?”

Cloud shrugged, wishing he could just apologize or admit it wasn’t any of his business, but he couldn’t and before he could turn to go in defeat Zack spoke up again.

“I guess you already know? You’re one.”

Cloud stared up at him in fear at his admission before realizing how affected he was, looking away in another vain attempt to compose himself. Unwilling to let himself suffer openly, albeit the uncontrollable pain in his chest told him otherwise.

Knowing he was one, and hearing him say it, were two very different emotions he’d discovered. It was only when he’d glanced at him again to see how flustered he was waiting for a response that he wished he could say something, but it was too hard to acknowledge.

“So was Angeal.”

Zack admitted next, eyes cast low, and Cloud couldn’t believe he’d confirmed anyone else, let alone another man.

“I think he’s still alive.”

His tone had been even lower, and Cloud took a step forward. He’d wanted to say something, or do something, anything. All he could manage was to keep his voice from shaking in response.

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“I hope so.”

Zack looked up again, giving Cloud a small smile before looking confused at the sudden horror that crossed the younger man’s face.

“Isn’t Sephiroth in Modeoheim right now? What if he finds him first?”

Zack shook his head violently and crossed his arms.

“He would never. He still cares about him too.”

Cloud felt guilty for worrying. He’d just never heard of Sephiroth ever showing mercy to traitors in the past. The realization that he really didn’t know anything about the desertion made him feel worse for implying anything.

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.”

Zack reassured before continuing awkwardly, shifting his hands to his hips.

“Actually, Sephiroth’s a Link too. And as for the others, they’re just friends.”

“Oh.”

Cloud answered faintly before looking back down the street. He wondered why he didn’t feel surprised. He’d already had his doubts about Angeal, but Sephiroth too? If he liked men like them, then why had he ever been interested in him?

“What do you mean, Oh?”

Zack asked defensively.

“Nothing.”

Cloud turned away, trying to sign for them to just drop it and continue on, but they had no actual destination yet and Zack only moved closer, rounding him to block his path.

“That was a really personal topic, you know. You shouldn’t just answer Oh.”

Cloud wanted to apologize again but the way he’d moved to confront him had him inching back, staring at the ground instead. The tone of their argument had his heart pounding, but he wasn’t even certain what they were arguing over.

“Fine, then. I’ll just have to ask you something personal in return. It’s only Fair.”

Zack cracked a victory smile and Cloud didn’t know if he was more surprised by his malleable sense of justice, or his terrible word play.

“So, Cloud, who was the last person you kissed?”

“What.”

He wasn’t sure he’d heard the question right, but the indignation of his response made him realized he knew exactly what he’d asked. Wishing he could avoid his curious gaze, he took another step back and Zack bit his lower lip, waiting for an answer but letting his patience fail him.

“Won't you tell me?”

Zack insisted, still smiling, but all Cloud could do was stare at the ground, unable to bring himself to lie to him.

“Look, I’m only asking because, I have a feeling it was me.”

His tone had changed entirely and Cloud felt guilty for it. Somehow he was piecing things together and he was reminded of how ill-prepared he was to face any of it yet.

“Did I, kiss you? Is that why you’ve been avoiding me since Junon?”

“I’m not.”

He lied, and Zack’s expression sombered further. It was evident that all he was doing was hurting him. He felt faint, glancing around them to make sure no one was listening in.

“If you’re angry you can say so. It won’t happen again.”

Zack tried to coax the truth out of him, but it only made him feel like a fool for not facing it. Remembering how he’d asked him to run away with him made his chest tighten again and his throat start burning, fighting back tears. He hated how pitiful he must look.

“It doesn’t matter.”

He’d practically whispered but Zack shook his head instantly in protest.

“Of course it does.”

“I thought you didn’t remember.”

Cloud gave in, rubbing his forehead in frustration before glancing up at him again, as astonished as ever by his serious gaze.

“I don’t, exactly, but if I did, then I meant it.”

He swallowed hard, averting his eyes again. Zack stared at him with such intensity that he couldn’t accept this could be happening in the middle of sector 7.

“Why me?”

“Huh?”

Cloud felt foolish for asking, instantly regretting it at how much the man smiled next, leaning in to emphasize his response.

“Why? Because you’re smart, and hardworking, and the nicest guy I’ve met. You’re a country boy too, and you’re really cute.”

“That’s. Ridiculous.”

Cloud sounded deeply offended somehow, dismissing the deep blush creeping over his face by moving past him to head back down the street. Zack laughed softly, following after him.

“Which part?”

Zack laughed to himself some more but when Cloud didn’t respond he pouted.

“Hey, c'mon, you asked!”

When he still didn’t get a response Zack peered over him to try to get a better look.

“Does this mean you won’t tell me what you like about me next?”

Cloud finally glanced up at him, but frowned when he saw his cheeky smile at his own question. He had to bite his lip not to smile back, looking back at the buildings and shop fronts as they walked by.

“You’re unbelievable.”

He’d sighed out his remark but Zack only thanked him jokingly and laughed again before looking around them as well and questioning.

“Hm, weren’t we supposed to find something fun to do?”

“Right.”

“Any ideas yet?”

Cloud shrugged and Zack started looking for places that were still open, reading off shop names to him as they made their way in to sector 6, hoping something would spark his interest.

They’d walked past block after block and hadn’t passed anyone besides a few patrolmen. He wondered if it was a result of the recent string of attacks, barely paying attention to the places they passed by.

“Oh this place is pretty good too, if you’re hungry.”

Zack just kept suggesting things, receiving no definitive responses besides shrugs from the blond.

“Looks like Bowling 2000 is still open too, whatever that is.”

Zack had stopped to look inside the building out of curiosity but Cloud shook his head and he followed him without protest. Crossing in to sector 5 they’d slowed their pace and Cloud started to worry they wouldn’t find anything.

“Wow.”

Zack let out as they walked by a large shop with a window display. Stopping to make out what had caught his eye, it appeared to be a gaudy purple gown.

Cloud glanced at him in confusion then frowned back at the rest of the display again. The store was closed, and filled entirely of extravagant dresses.

“That one would look really good on you.”

“Wh-”

Cloud stopped himself, swallowing his anger, and frowned deeper before turning it back on him.

“Only if you wore this one.”

Cloud pointed abruptly at the most revealing dress in his proximity, a low-cut shimmering yellow gown and Zack laughed before leaning towards him to whisper.

“Whatever you want, Cloud.”

“Not interested.”

Cloud huffed, turning away without meeting his eyes, ashamed of how hard his heart was racing from such a stupid joke. Zack matched his pace after a moment, still laughing lightly to himself, but stopping as soon as he saw how upset he was.

“I was just kidding.”

Zack denied, but Cloud was still attempting to process the embarrassment. He was angry he'd suggest he dress up like that for him, and even more at why he’d suggested he should do the same. He started to doubt he wanted to understand how he really saw him.

First the flowers, and now this. Even if Zack did like men, it didn’t feel like he was being treated as one. Then again, he was nothing like Angeal or Sephiroth, so why would he? He could only conclude that he’d rather be seen as nothing than “cute.”

"Oh this place. They have great items, and they’re still open.”

Zack suggested and Cloud stopped to look at the shop. It didn’t look like much from outside but he didn’t want to waste another second on their prior conversation, entering the store without a word.

They were greeted by the owner who seemed surprised to have any customers that night, chatting Zack up on how quiet the city was as of late and how SOLDIER needed to do a better job.

Cloud browsed the store silently. He recognized a lot of different weapons that were used in the infantry being sold, but the others were far odder.

He looked over all the ones on the main wall display before moving through rows of various items grouped in no particular order. He couldn’t afford half of the things in the store himself and wasn’t going to let Zack waste more money on him.

“See anything you like?”

Zack came to hover over his shoulder and he moved on as soon as he’d asked.

“Not really.”

He noticed a baseball bad ridden with nails leaning in a corner between two displays. Lifting it up Cloud tried to figure out why they’d have something like that when they were already selling so many sophisticated weapons up front.

“That’s not for sale!”

The owner called out as soon as he saw Cloud holding the item. He nodded at them before looking back at the bat. Despite it’s crass design it felt like it could do a lot of damage.

When he looked back over his shoulder, Zack looked almost afraid, staring at the bat in his hands. Cloud smiled and put it back down before moving on to Zack’s relief.

“Looks easy enough to make.”

Zack commented uneasily, but Cloud chuckled.

“Don’t worry about it. I don’t think it would pass weapon’s check.”

“Right.”

Zack was stunned by the sound of his quiet laugh, relieved that the mood had finally changed somewhat. Smiling lazily at him before returning to the task at hand, pointing out sets of accessories as they approached the next display.

“These have pretty good stats.”

Cloud had been reading over them and nodded, ready to move on before Zack picked up a set of earrings.

“+15 Magic each. Nice.”

Zack held up one of the small opals to his ear to see if it’d suit him and smiled, but as soon as Cloud saw what he was doing, he moved away. He’d never questioned the pearl earrings they all received when they became cadets. He’d never thought of changing it either, but Zack was already headed over to the owner.

“I’ll take these.”

Just the thought of sharing a set with him had his heart racing again. He felt entirely useless in that moment. Concluding that he needed air, he simply exited the store in a daze. He’d only made it a few steps away before leaning against the brick wall of the next building to wait for Zack, feeling foolish for getting flustered so easily.

He felt dizzy and realized he hadn’t had anything to eat besides the supplement drink he’d had that morning. Trying to return to a normal diet after being discharged from Junon had proved difficult and he hadn't been eating much in general. He was rubbing his forehead, trying to calm down before he heard the sound of the shop’s door opened and close suddenly.

“Cloud?”

Cloud looked up to see Zack exiting the shop while fiddling with his ear, evidently swapping his own earring for the newly purchased one. They almost looked identical, but if you looked closely, you could see a colorful shimmer.

“Are you alright?”

Zack asked as he approached him, receiving only a nod in return at first, but Cloud managed to speak up.

"I just needed air."

Zack smiled, pointing at the opal next.

“What do you think?”

“It looks good on you.”

Cloud answered softly and Zack smiled back at the compliment, holding the other opal up between them and brushing his hair back behind his ear with his free hand.

“May I?”

Zack asked, but when Cloud only shivered at his touch and looked away, presenting his ear to him, he went ahead. With surprising dexterity he removed and replaced his earring easily, dropping the pearl in his hand when he was done.

“Yeah, looks good.”

Zack nodded and smiled as Cloud pocketing his old earring. Leaning heavily against the wall he felt infinitesimal in his presence. Zack wasn’t staring at the earring anymore but at his avoidant eyes.

The next instant he was leaning in and Cloud immediately raised a hand to his chest to push him away. Except as soon as his fingers pressed against his chest he leaned in as well, meeting his lips with his eyes closed.

Zack smiled in to their kiss, just as he always did at first, but he couldn’t blame him. It was euphoric. Even such a delicate embrace had him wishing he'd take him against that very wall, making him turn away in disgust at himself, breaking their kiss.

“That was just a thank you.”

Cloud had pushed him back hesitantly at his own awkward excuse. He saw Zack grin cheekily in return despite his own deep blush, moving past him down the street again only to have Zack follow instantly.

“I’m glad you like it that much. It's a gift to commemorate our link.”

Zack sounded so assured, joining his side once more. Cloud couldn’t look at him, wishing he could stop acting like everything wasn’t alright, but the guilt of still wanting him despite everything was overbearing.

He started to think that Cissnei had been right. If he felt this sick over just a kiss, it had to be wrong. He must be the one misleading him after all.

“So, where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know.”

Cloud answered absentmindedly.

“Wanna go back to my place?”

Zack had sounded so overly casual that it had almost sounded anxious, but the look in his eyes when he didn’t answer right away made his embarrassment clear.

“No.”

Cloud didn’t look at him when he answered, living the other man’s emotions at every decision they made was agonizing. He was far too easy to read.

“We’re almost in sector 4 now, we’re bound to find something else.”

Zack added quickly, albeit cheerily, making conversation as always as they continued through the streets.

“If you could live anywhere, where would it be?”

Zack asked cheerily, doing his best to break the tension that had settled between them.

“I’ve never really thought about it before.”

Cloud was struck by the question. He’d gotten as far as wanting them to run away together the last time he’d thought about living at all, but he still hadn't considered where they’d go. Or where he'd go, if none of this worked out.

“Maybe a comfortable house on the outskirts, near Kalm?”

Zack suggested, hoping he'd manage to reignite some sort of conversation.

“Really? you don’t want a Shinra-mortgaged condo for your future wife and child?”

Zack’s tone had been earnest, but Cloud was unable to retain his bitter commentary on Midgar’s token lifestyle.

“Children!”

Despite his sarcasm, he was immediately corrected and he could only stare as Zack went on about his future plans.

“I love traveling, but if I had to settle down there’d have to be plenty of space. I’d rather be somewhere I can commute in from, instead of stuck in a place like this.”

Zack smiled as he elaborated, as if he could see it all so clearly already ahead of him. He was too stunned to say anything before Zack looked to him expectantly.

“What about you?”

“I don’t really like the city either. It doesn’t feel like a place for people, let alone children.”

“How many do you want?”

Cloud couldn’t manage an answer, but Zack seemed thoroughly lost in his own thoughts.

“At least two, but more would be nice.”

Zack continued before Cissnei suddenly spoke up from behind them.

“Kids? Already? Aren’t you skipping a few steps Mr. Fair?”

“Cissnei!?”

Zack jumped around from surprise, but Cloud could barely bring himself to face her again.

“Zack. What are you doing out this late, with a cadet?”

She turned her stare on to him and he knew he’d be no help. He couldn’t handle whatever she had to say in front of Zack, turning to head off down the next street without a word.

“What does that have to do with anything! Why are you here?”

Zack attempted to counter her question, but he’d already lost his nerve. And when he glanced back over his shoulder, said cadet was nowhere to be seen.

“Cloud?!”

He felt guilty for leaving. He should have been the one to tell her to fuck off, but he hadn’t wanted to lash out in front of him.

Fear of his own anger, and of what might happen, had made him leave him alone to sort it out. Fear slowed his pace, but he couldn’t turn back.

“Looks like he left. Smart kid, but what was all that talk about children?”

Cissnei had turned to the side, acting disinterested in her own question.

“Damnit. Didn’t I tell you to stop following me around!“

Zack raised his voice again and Cissnei crossed her arms.

“I was just passing by and happ-”

“No you weren’t! I’m sick of these games with you and Tseng. Stop following me. And stop texting me when you know I’m busy too!”

“Zack. Would you k-”

“I’m serious!”

Zack yelled back over her as he turned to leave. He turned the same corner and started running to catch up, looking back to make sure she wasn’t following.

“Hey Spikey! Wait a minute!”

Cloud didn’t react, walking on stubbornly, but he’d soon reached him and fell in to his pace.

“Sorry about that.”

Zack sounded exasperated, bringing an arm up around his shoulders when he noticed him looking back over his to make sure they weren't followed either.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. It’s none of her business anyways.”

Zack tried to squeeze his shoulder gently but Cloud only moved out of his reach. Reminded of how much his arm still hurt from that morning he stared on ahead.

“So uh, what were we talking about?”

Zack was trying to pretend everything was under control but Cloud couldn’t shake the anger he’d felt towards her. He hated how complicated everything was.

“Oh, right, moving to the country.”

Zack laughed and Cloud started walking faster, still on edge from their sudden encounter.

“You can’t be serious.”

“Huh?”

“About us.”

“In the country?”

Zack tried to understand where the conversation had gone wrong again when he realized they were no longer heading towards the next sector. They were reaching the edge of sector 4 instead. Repairs were still under way in the furthest parts of most sectors and Zack wondered why Cloud didn't notice.

Some buildings still hadn't been repaired, and where holes had been blown through to the support beams, makeshift steel grating patched roads. He spent most of his time in and out of HQ that he hadn't noticed Midgar was still in bad shape, losing his nerve at his own question when Cloud hadn't responded.

“Uh, I’m kidding. I’m just kidding. It could be nice? It was just a thought. I didn’t mean me and, you, exactly. I don’t know why I brought up kids earlier either. Sorry.”

“How would we, anyways.”

Cloud added dryly and Zack just smiled back.

“There’s always adoption.”

Cloud had been so lost in his thoughts of really starting to hate the word Sorry that his suggestion shocked him to the point he had to stop walking. He hadn’t been kidding at all. Yet Cloud's lack of a response only created another unbearable silence between them and Zack rubbed the back of his head when he'd stopped.

“Um, anyways. So why do they have you doing office work nowadays anyhow?”

“Because of you.”

“Huh?”

Cloud regretted sounding accusatory once again and elaborated.

“New unit, new orders.”

“Wait, what happened?”

“Everyone in my unit is on stand by, for SOLDIER.”

“Because you’re Links?”

Cloud only nodded in return, to which he had no choice but to look away for a change. The blush creeping on to his face was impossible to hide as he ran a hand through his long hair.

“Are you pissed at me?”

“Huh?”

Cloud stared in confusion when Zack took a step forward next.

“Is that why you quit on joining SOLDIER?”

“No.”

“Then, why?”

Zack reached out to touch his arm to encourage an answer and Cloud simply took a step back.

“I don’t trust them anymore”

“You don’t trust me?”

“I don’t trust Shinra.”


	24. The wrong side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How difficult is it, to have a difficult conversation twice

“You don’t trust me?”

Zack had asked instantly, nothing but self-conscious.

“I don’t trust Shinra.”

Cloud responded dryly. He felt as if he’d finally gained some ground until he looked out over the edge of the city. There was nothing but darkness surrounding them bellow and he was reminded of all the nights he’d wanted to jump.

Zack stood with his arms folded, staring him down for an explanation before sighing when Cloud didn’t elaborate. He turned away to look up at the reactor beyond the bridge where they were standing.

“Not a lot of people do these days.”

Cloud didn’t know how to respond, realizing then that Zack had certainly already been through all this when Angeal deserted. Little did he know, half his links hated Shinra.

“We were on the wrong side of the war.”

Cloud wished he’d sounded more remorseful, coming off just as dry as earlier. When Zack didn’t turn back he worried he wouldn't understand. He’d fought Genesis and Angeal over Shinra, but this was different.

“It wouldn’t have ended if-”

Zack turned back around to argue, but stopped abruptly when Cloud advanced on him. He watched with bewilderment when he took one of his hands in his.

“There shouldn’t have been a war.”

Cloud averted his gaze despite his decisive statement and Zack could only stare in disbelief.

“Mako doesn’t justify what was done.”

Cloud elaborated, but it took everything not to let his anger show through his voice. Instead he held his hand tightly between his, as if praying for his understanding even though he’d never prayed before, troubled by the thought of how many had perished for nothing.

“I warned them to stand down.”

Zack recounted, but his tone was pleading for innocence.

“They were protecting their homeland.”

Cloud argued back, loosening his grip inadvertently. As soon as Zack felt it, he took both his hands in his in turn, sagging down with grief.

“It was necessary, they all said it was necessary.”

Zack tried to remember Angeal’s orders, but he could only see how eager he’d been to please him. Cloud watched his desperation as he’d gone silent, frozen in place himself.

“I was only following orders.”

Zack justified again, but his voice was small and Cloud hated how much pain there was despite his choice of words.

“I know.”

Cloud accepted, not expecting more.

“I’m sorry.”

The remorse in Zack’s voice was clear, but he couldn’t bring himself to embrace him. He only felt regret vividly when the weight of the conversation set in and it was too painful to continue. He hesitantly pulled his hands away.

“That’s why I gave up on SOLDIER.”

He hadn’t known how else to divert the conversation from the war, even though he hadn’t been on the front lines, the guilt was enough as it was. He dreaded knowing more.

“Are you going to leave Midgar?”

Zack questioned worriedly, watching him retreat slowly.

“Not yet.”

Cloud held his hands to his own chest, apprehensively taking another step back.

“But you will?”

Zack tried to hide the panic in his voice but failed.

“Yes.”

Cloud’s was blunt, thinking of what to say next instead of thinking through his answer, but Zack looked devastated at the thought. He hated that look.

“Shinra isn’t doing anything except building an army to get more mako. More mako for what?”

Cloud practically spat his question, but he hadn’t intended to sound so angry. Almost tripping over a stray slab of steel while backing away he crossed his arms to stand his ground.

“For people?”

Zack attempted to counter, clearly uncertain of his stance as he barely gestured.

“People aren’t any happier with more appliances.”

Cloud stared at the ground as they argued, if only to divert his glare.

“I guess not.”

Zack ceded and scratched the back of his head.

“They’re not using you to defend Midgar, they’re using you to get more mako. There’s no glory in that.”

Cloud’s tone was just as bitter and Zack’s head dropped lower when his shoulders sagged again. Wishing he could stop himself from the harm speaking his mind brought with it, he anxiously moved on.

“Half my unit is doing that right now. I can’t.”

Cloud held his arms tightly across his chest,

“Where?”

Zack had thought people were missing again, but with all the new recruits it was hard to keep track.

“Corel.”

Cloud confirmed, hoping they’d return soon without further tragedy. Everything about this was difficult, and he didn’t believe it was possible to feel so much in such a short amount of time, yet he couldn’t help but go on despite his shaking voice.

“When we first met, I asked you what it was like to be in SOLDIER. I wanted to know how you felt about it, because I didn’t know what I was after anymore.”

Cloud admitted and looked up at Zack to make sure he remembered. The look on Zack’s face when he did made him realize that he knew what he wanted to admit next, but he bit his cheek to stop himself.

“I didn’t know how to answer then. And I guess I still don’t.”

Zack spoke up earnestly.

“I wanted to do good for others, and I thought that being a hero was the best I could do.”

Zack smiled sadly with a shrug before continuing.

“I wanted to be someone.”

“You’re someone to me.”

Cloud was surprised by how quickly he’d responded and Zack's smile in response was warm. He held his gaze for so long he'd stopped breathing until Zack looked off again, running a hand through his hair.

“I didn’t feel like a hero after Wutai, and it wasn’t because they gave all the credit to Sephiroth.”

Zack rolled his eyes before looking back up at the reactor.

“I didn’t question anything. I just wanted to impress Angeal.”

He sounded sad, despite his self-deprecating tone.

“Everything was different after the desertion. When I finally made 1st I thought I’d be happy. But everything had already changed.”

Zack’s gaze had darkened again and he couldn’t stop himself from moving closer to him. Cloud hated that look of regret on his face and wanted to tell him everything had been wrong from the start. He tried to chose his words but all he could focus on from the desertion were those terrible wings.

“What they’ve done to Angeal, and Genesis, will it happen to you too?”

He couldn’t contain his worry, he wanted to reach out to him once more, but felt guilty for letting go in the first place.

“I don’t think so.”

Zack had looked down at his hands, as if doubting his own statement. He didn’t quite understand either, but those were Hollander’s experiments, project G. He doubted he had any part in all of that.

“Hey don’t worry, I feel fine.”

Zack tried to reassure when he saw he'd been agonizing, but Cloud was at a loss. The horror of his body possibly mutating and decaying had shaken him to the point that he'd reached out and wrapped his arms around his waist, leaning in to him. He could feel both their hearts racing and he felt terrified.

Zack didn't say anything, he simply wrapped his arms around him in return and let him rest his head against his chest. They stood together immobile for some time while he tried to calm down, except all he could think about was how last time they'd been this close, he'd asked the man to run away with him.

“I don’t know what to do.”

Cloud whispered, holding on tighter.

“It’ll be all right.”

Zack assured, bringing a hand up to stroke the back of his head softly.

“How?”

Cloud questioned, only a little louder, pulling back from his chest.

“We’ll figure it out.”

“We’ll.”

Cloud repeated, gazing up at him as if it'd been all the courage he'd needed. Zack gazed back down at him, sliding his hand to his neck before leaning in. He thought to move away, but pulled him closer instead when his lips pressed against his.

He closed his eyes, consumed by the warmth of his strong arms and his body leaning in to his. He slid his tongue in to his mouth as soon as he could think to. Zack’s body sank down against his in response, smiling in to their kiss while Cloud sucked on his lower lip next.

When he slid his tongue back in to his mouth and around his he heard Zack moan softly. It was different than all the moans he’d heard from him before. He couldn’t help but kiss deeper in response, almost losing his balance trying to support too much of his weight.

Zack tasted good. He wanted to push him to the ground and climb on top of him to kiss him harder. It was obscene to him how difficult it was to break their kiss just then. Turning away he brought a hand up to cover his mouth while he caught his breath.

He was ashamed. It didn’t feel real. He was so happy even though he felt like he was making a horrible mistake again. He hadn’t been clear about what was really going on, but it was too painful to explain.

Zack had taken a moment to catch his breath himself. Trailing fingers absently over his own lower lip, lost in thought for a moment from the sensation before leaning down to attempt to meet his eyes again. 

Cloud refused to look up, panicking when he felt an arm wrap around him to pull him closer again. He roughly stepping out of his embrace, keeping his eyes on the ground.

“We shouldn't see each other for a while.”

Cloud said through pained breaths.

“What?”

Zack was blindsided, staring back in shock. When Cloud didn't respond he stepped forward again, causing Cloud to step back in turn, both freezing in place once more.

"Then what was that?"

Zack's voice rose with panic, but Cloud wasn't thinking of a justification, he just needed to warn him, again.

“I just, could you just, avoid me for a while? You should keep avoiding the Turks too. All of them.”

Cloud changed his mind, wanting to drop the topic all together. He wished he could focus, but the guilt of wanting to leave him ignorant tore at him.

“What's /for a while/ ?”

Zack asked, still bewildered by their kiss and unable to grasp the blond's change of heart.

“You know I’m not saying that because I’m jealous, right?”

Cloud wondered why he hadn’t noticed how fast his heart was racing again until that moment. The look of dejection on Zack's face silenced all else and he felt as if he'd lied. He was jealous of his other links.

“Right.”

Zack’s voice was as distant as his delayed response. He scratched the back of his head from abject confusion.

“I’m only worried.”

Cloud justified anxiously, trying to figure out what to say to make things right, but anything he could say would only make things worse.

“You don’t have to worry about me.”

Zack reached for his hands to reassure him, taking them in his to pull him back closer to him gently. Cloud was left staring down at their hands, abandoning his resolve to keep his distance once more.

“That’s what you said last time.”

Cloud sounded bitter and Zack could only tilt his head in confusion.

“About last time…”

Zack hesitated, squeezing his hands uneasily.

“We drank too much.”

Cloud repeated dryly. 

“Yeah, but, we.”

Zack started and Cloud cut him off.

“We kissed, that’s all.”

“Like we did just now?”

Zack pressed and Cloud looked back up at him. His curious look and faded blush only made him feel worse for avoiding it.

"I knew I hadn't just dreamed of it."

Zack whispered to himself and Cloud flinched, but he didn't let go of his hands. Terrified of what Zack might remember, he desperately tried to reorient the conversation.

“That’s not the problem.”

Cloud snapped.

“I’m just trying to understand."

Zack protested softly. 

"One second you’re smiling, the next you're running. You say you're leaving, but then you kiss me. And what do the Turks have to do with us anyways?"

Zack complained openly, caressing his hands gently as if compensating for it, but he was right.

“I’m sorry.”

Cloud’s voice was barely a whisper. The knot in his stomach was nauseating. He wasn’t making any sense. He squeezed his hands in return, but could only glare at the ground to try to steady his train of thought.

“Tell me. What's the problem?”

Zack encouraged, waiting patiently. Cloud felt immobilized, swallowing hard before realizing he’d frozen up again, rushing back through what he’d meant.

“The Turks. I don't think any of them know much more than we do. They’re ordered to put the company first like the rest of us. But that’s not why I said don’t trust them. I said it because they’ve taken it too far. They're always watching you. They won’t take any risks with you. They treat you like the company's property.”

“I know.”

Zack answered coldly and Cloud regretted his choice of words. He needed to make it clear they couldn’t be reasoned with but Zack spoke up first.

“I told Cissnei, and Tseng, to back off. I’m sick of it.”

Zack sounded serious, but Cloud wasn’t convinced.

“They won’t listen.”

Cloud argued.

“They’ll have to.”

Zack insisted and Cloud finally looked up at him. His bright eyes gave away more pain than determination and he looked away from them again.

“She confronted me this morning.”

Cloud admitted weakly, unsure of why he’d told him at all.

“Cissnei?”

Zack questioned, squeezing his hands again to try to get confirmation but Cloud kept staring at the ground. He had managed to convince himself that Tseng watching Aerith was because she was the last of her kind, and that they followed him in case more work came up, but they certainly had no reason to haunt Cloud too.

“Why would she?”

Zack pressed again when he got no response, trying to lean down to get him to look him in the eye, but Cloud couldn’t.

“Are you linked with her too?”

Cloud’s question was neutral, but Zack immediately pulled back, hesitating to answer.

“I mean, yeah. I thought we were friends. What did she say?”

Zack didn’t sound certain anymore.

“She said she was following Tseng's orders.”

“What?”

Zack couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“What orders?“

Zack continued to protest, attempting to pull Cloud back to him when he pulled away but hesitated to restrain him further when he refused to meet his eyes once more.

"I don’t want to make things worse.”

Cloud whispered again, staring down at their hands when Zack refused to let go, feeling stupid for trying to outmatch his strength again. It was only then that he noticed how awful the bruising around his wrist had gotten and how sore it felt being pulled by him.

“You aren’t. They can’t just.. Cloud. Did She do that to you?”

He pulled away again despite the pain and he let go this time. Zack had already had plenty of time to inspect his arm again and quickly boiled over when he didn't deny it. 

“That skinny little-!”

Zack stopped himself from going off further, turning his attention back to Cloud, trying to get a better look at him overall, worried he'd missed so much more.

“What happened? Wait. You weren’t going to tell me!?”

Zack looked back at their surroundings, as if to check if they were being watched.

“Spikey?”

Zack prompted again when he still hadn’t received a response. Cloud could only smile at the nickname he’d employed again. He’d never had a nickname that wasn’t an insult before.

“It wasn’t my first warning.”

Cloud's smile had just as soon faded

“For what?”

“To stay away from you.”

“What! Why? It’s not like it’s anti-company policy to date within the ranks. Why would it be any of their business anyways.”

He’d repeated the same argument as in Junon and Cloud laughed to Zack’s great surprise.

"What’s funny?”

Zack was clearly upset, but the blush dominating his face had Cloud's attention wavering again.

“Sorry.”

Cloud had to take a moment to center himself before explaining, rubbing his forehead in frustration.

“You're a 1st. Everything is always Shinra’s business.”

He explained, but Zack still felt uncomfortable, crossing his arms.

“Right."

Cloud wanted to brush off the debate, too tired to get in to all of it again. He wearily looked off to the side instead, trying to sound calm.

“Do you remember, when you said you’d felt like you remembered something, between us?”

“I remember. You still haven’t answered me.”

Zack had sounded frustrated, and he pause that came next was long. He swallowed hard. Their kiss had confirmed to him that he wasn’t having some sort of false deja-vu, or twisted fantasy, but that they had definitely already kissed before, and so he waited patiently for an explanation.

Cloud was staring down the grating of the unfinished road beneath them in to the darkness. It was hard to believe so many people lived beneath Midgar. It took a long time before he was able to articulate his next question.

“Have you had that feeling with Tseng before?”

For once Zack didn’t react, no confusion, or embarrassment, simply frozen in shock. He just as soon looked back down, wishing he hadn’t asked. He knew he didn’t have to ask if they were linked. Or if he had feelings for the other man. The way he’d rushed to his side in Modeoheim was proof enough he cared for him, telling him any more would only be painful for both of them.

“What do you mean?”

Zack finally responded, but there was no emotion to his question, only the doubt and tension that he’d repeatedly ignored resurfaced in his mind. Thinking over their latest argument over Aerith, he tried to figure out if he’d missed anything. He hadn’t been angry he might lose her to him, he was scared he might lose him to her? Or both?

“Tseng’s never..”

Zack tried to justify that nothing had happened between them, but between his sudden realization that he may have wanted there to be something, and how Cloud even knew, he was overwhelmed.

“We’ve never..”

Zack looked like he was about to cry from frustration despite the blush taking over his complexion. He shook his uncertainty off and looked irritated the next instant.

“Are you trying to change the subject off us? What kind of guy do you think I am?”

Cloud was taken aback by how quickly he’d turned to denial, but it seemed he wouldn't be able to remember after all.

“I don’t just kiss everyone I have a thing for just like that. That was my FIRST kiss you know? Well, our second."

Zack quickly corrected himself on the night's events, but couldn't help focusing on everything that might have already happened. 

"Or third kiss? Cloud, what’s going on?”

He was shaking, but so was Zack, and he looked like he was still holding back tears. Cloud couldn’t stop himself from reaching out for him, bridging the distance to hold him once more.

“I’m sorry.”

Cloud whimpered in to his chest. He’d only wanted to warn him about Tseng, the Turks, Shinra. Warn him again, about anything he could, but he didn’t know what else to say. He felt guilty for it all despite knowing better.

“Stop apologizing.”

Zack was relieved to turn that one back on him for an instant, loosely wrapping his arms around him in return.

“Just tell me.”

Zack pulled back to get a better look at him when he received no response, raising a hand to brush his bangs out of his face, but Cloud only looked further away

“Tseng is erasing your memory. He’s the reason you can’t remember some things.”

Cloud couldn’t bring himself to be more specific. It was too painful to recall, but the anger that was building in the other man began to worry him.

“He's what? What things?”

Zack was outraged and Cloud felt faint at the question. He shouldn’t have gotten in to all that again so quickly. He tried to move away but Zack still had a hand on his waist and the other on his arm, keeping him close.

“Like Junon.”

Cloud answered dryly, wishing his head would stop spinning while he brought his hands up to hold on to him.

“But, why?”

Zack pressed.

“I don’t know.”

Cloud slumped, he had to take a step closer to lean against him. He shut his eyes hard to try to fight off his sudden loss of orientation, but everything just kept spinning. 

“If he thinks this is all just some game. I swear,”

Zack hadn't noticed, easily supporting his weight, he tried to control his mounting anger at the situation.

“Zack.”

Cloud interjected.

“Yes?”

His concern was immediate. 

“Don’t.”

Cloud ordered.

“Huh?”

HIs confusion was apparent once more.

“Please don’t. I can’t go through this again.”

Cloud begged in to his shirt, holding on firmly.

“Cloud.”

Zack's voice was heavy, holding him back tightly he couldn't believe what was going on. It all felt too familiar, too strange even to grasp. He knew it must be real, but he couldn't accept Tseng would treat him that way.

“I’ve been ignoring all of them since I got back. No DMW maintenance, no examinations. I won’t let anything happen, I promise. But I can’t just do nothing either, not after how they’ve treated you.”

Zack tried to assure him but he received no reaction.

“No.”

Cloud finally protested. It had taken everything from him to manage not to pass out. He hadn't been eating or sleeping properly since Junon and it was catching up to him. 

“No?”

Zack questioned, attempting to lean back to get a better look at him.

“You can’t settle that in my place.”

Cloud argued, managing to hold himself up when everything finally stopped spinning, distancing himself avoiding his concerned stare.

"Together then?"

Zack offered but Cloud couldn't see that going well either, glaring at the ground again.

"Let's just go."

Cloud tried to turn away again.

"Leave?!"

Zack couldn't hide his surprise, still holding him at arms length.

"No. Just, go back, for tonight."

Cloud sounded exasperated.

"But, what about us?"

Zack pleaded, wishing he knew why things got so complicated so fast.

"I just,"

Cloud started hesitantly and Zack let go of him weakly.

"I need time to think."

Cloud explained, his gaze still fixed on the ground.

"Right. That's all right."

Zack tried to be supportive but the hurt in his voice was transparent. Cloud turned to lead the way and hesitated when he saw the illuminated tower in the distance. He didn't want to go back, but he couldn't leave him behind either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter took so long, life has been something, but lots is going to happen before Nibelheim  
> thank you for still reading!  
> Please comment


	25. Empty promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> plz thank Dua Lipa personally for this chapter's inspiration  
> turns out the squad-mates are overprotective

Cloud started back towards HQ, concentrating on avoiding all the construction materials that awaited assembly scattered about, making sure there was actual ground to walk on as they made their way back.

Zack remained silent for once and it chilled his bones. He felt like he'd done everything wrong again, but he'd given him as much warning as he could for now, what happened next was out of his control.

By the time they'd reached sector six, Zack sighed, like he'd been holding his breath the entire way. He stretched and held his hands behind his head as they walked, looking ahead steadily.

"This is crazy."

Zack sounded exhausted

"Welcome to the trip."

Cloud encouraged bitterly and Zack laughed, but it soon turned sour.

"How many times, has it been?"

There was a long silence between them once more before Cloud was able to answer.

"Only twice."

Zack sighed deeply again.

"Only?"

Cloud didn't respond and so Zack changed his tone again.

"When was the first time?"

Despite the simple question, he couldn't help but distance himself before answering.

"Here. In Midgar."

Zack didn't seem surprised, moving on to the next question.

"What happened?"

"Nothing."

He answered bitterly and regretted his own transparency.

"Cloud.."

He hated everything he said to him. None of it felt right. The tone of Zack's voice pleading for him to stop lying only hurt more.

"We."

He started, but couldn't bring himself to recant, nor could he bring himself to tell him the truth. 

"We."

He tried again but still couldn't continue. He kept his attention fixed on the way back to HQ.

"We..?"

Zack insisted, following him closely, but dropped the smile when Cloud shot him a hesitant glance.

"I hate being the only one who remembers."

Cloud agonized instead and Zack had to walk faster to keep up.

"Then tell me, maybe I'll remember."

He couldn't answer and Zack was growing weary.

"Why haven't they done the same to you? If they're so committed to getting between us?"

There was another unbearable silence between them before Cloud finally clarified.

"I don't have a DMW."

"Right."

Zack replied as he lifted a hand to the back of his own head again, dread covering his face as he touched the spot where the chip had been implanted.

Cloud couldn't tell if he was relieved or not that he'd dropped the conversation after that. He hated how dryly he'd responded, but it was the only conclusion he could come to. 

The guilt he felt every time he tried to avoid what had happened almost felt familiar now, but all he could focus on was the tension rising and how much he wished Zack would say something else.

Soon they'd made it back to HQ without another word. They'd crossed half the city together and he felt like he'd wasted all of it. 

They rode the elevator in silence. Cloud had been expecting a confrontation as soon as they'd arrived, but no one besides patrol greeted them, or more precisely, greeted Zack. 

Once the elevator started moving he'd selected his floor and Zack shifted anxiously before crossing his arms. He eyed the numbers as they rose and him in turn. When the elevator stopped he looked up at him to say goodbye but he spoke first.

"You'll let me know when I can see you again, right?"

"Yeah."

Cloud answered with a nod before stepping out of the elevator. Barely able to look him in the eye, he just couldn't bare the consequences of any other answer right now.

"Promise?"

Zack's plea forced him to stop and look back at him.

"I promise."

Cloud placated just as easily, yet Zack still looked overwhelmed. His smile at their promise quickly faded and he placed his hand over the frame to prevent the elevator from shutting suddenly.

"Listen. Even if it isn't about us, if something else happens because of any of this, you'll tell me right?"

He stared back in surprise, worried Zack might step out from worry if he didn't manage to say anything.

"I promise."

He repeated. He hadn't expected him to insist, but it was easier telling him what he wanted to hear. 

Zack offered another brief smile before letting go, allowing the doors to finally shut between them. 

He hated to watch him go. Zack's last worried look only reminded him how much he was in fact worried about him in return.

For all he knew Tseng was waiting for him and he'd only managed to confuse him more. He wanted to do more, but he didn't know what.

It was only when he turned back to stare down the empty hallway that he was reminded of how awful he'd felt all night. While walking towards his unit's quarters he tried to reassure himself he'd done the right thing. 

Hoping Zack would have better luck this time around, he worried that his own ended here. He'd crossed too many lines, surely they'd get rid of him now. He worried what Cissnei had reported back and what Tseng would do next.

It was too much to worry about. Cloud tried to think back over what he'd even said to Zack, but he became fixated on one admission the man had offered him instead. 

When they'd been talking about children, he'd told him how he really felt about him.

/It was just a thought. I didn’t mean me and, you, exactly./

He repeated Zack's words in his mind and stopped walking. His face was so easy to read that he hadn't been paying enough attention to what he'd actually been saying.

He knew he'd be happier raising kids with someone else. He was just wasting his time with him. And now that he'd warned him about the Turks again, he could stay out of his way.

Of course he was just a thought to him. None of what they'd done meant anything long-term to the other man, it was just a thrill to him, so it didn't matter with who.

Cloud brought his hands up to his face, shutting his eyes tightly to force himself to stop spiraling. He refused to let himself break down over the thought of losing him again when he knew it had been absurd from the start.

He took a deep breath and steadied himself. He had no idea what time it was, but he expected everyone should be asleep. 

Prepared to be silent he stepped through the door, only to freeze at the sight of his squadmates staring back at him with surprise that turned to excitement.

"He's back!"

"Look who it is."

"Hey Cloud!"

"Welcome back, slacker."

They greeted enthusiastically. Whistling and shouting only indicated that they must be intoxicated. A quick glance confirmed that they were sitting around an emergency lamp on the table near their gear drinking.

"How'd it go?"

Cloud stared back at one of the men who'd gotten up suddenly to question him, wondering what he meant, until he remembered that Zack had come here before finding him at work. He couldn't believe he'd forgotten that they all knew.

The next second he turned around and went to step back out the door. But, the one who'd approached him, something Colton, grabbed hold of his shoulders and pulled him over to sit him down at the table.

"Woah, not so fast there. Where do you think you're going?"

Colton chuckled at his own question and gave him a pat on the back before returning to his own seat.

"Come on! He found you, right? That's why you're back so late?"

Someone else asked, and others encouraged him to speak up. Some then complained about him skipping training, others complained about Zack not even being that interesting to even be a 1st, while the rest told them to shut up so they could hear about the date.

"Nothing happened."

Cloud intended to get them to drop it by being as blunt as possible. He was to exhausted to engage in whatever this was. Staring at the empty cans and bottles cluttering the table, he wondered how long they'd been at it.

"What do you mean nothing?"

Colton insisted first, but the rest were quick to complain as well.

"Where did you guys go?"

Another interogated.

"Out."

Cloud shifted in his seat, thinking of how best to end the conversation.

"Out where?"

One more pushed.

"Just, out, for a walk."

He tried to sound as disinterested as possible.

"And nothing happened?"

"Nothing."

Again he remained neutral, but they all started sighing and complaining again.

"You're such a liar."

One, named Wolfgang, finally accused.

"Ok."

Cloud tried to brush off, but his tone made it clear that he was about to lose his nerve.

"Don't be like that. We're not idiots. We saw how he looks at you."

Colton tried to argue, reminding him that he'd been one of the men there the morning he'd shown up after training. He and Wolfgang.

"So?"

Cloud was sick of their prying, but his sarcastic response had some laughing. He wanted to leave. Glancing back he noticed Colton had gone to fish a few more drinks out of a cooler while continuing the argument.

"So? So you were out with one of the hottest guys in Shinra. Spill."

The last thing he could see himself doing was describing how he'd kissed a man, who happens to be a 1st, and for what? For all this pain. 

"We just talked."

Cloud wanted to tell him to fuck off, but he knew that if he started that it wouldn't end well. He figeted with his new earring, angry they even expected details from him.

Some of the guys laughed at his answer again, and a few leaned in curiously. As if analyzing his face further would give them any clues. 

He tried to stand up to leave but Colton had finished distributing the drinks and placed a hand on his shoulder again to stop him. Handing him a can instead.

"Here, have one."

Colton gave him a slap on the back again in an attempt to motivate him before returning to his own seat.

"Yeah, chill out man."

Another encouraged, but he was already sick of what any of them had to say.

"C'mon, you're not fooling anyone with the straight act. What's going on with you two?"

Cloud was angry that they were right, yet he knew he was too exhausted to think clearly and didn't want to make things any worse than they already were. He opened his drink and took a long swig to buy time.

"Just tell us already"

Colton agonized childishly.

"It doesn't matter."

Cloud said.

"That again?" "Come on!"

They continued to complain.

"I'm not seeing him again."

He finally admitted after another swig.

"What?" 

Colton almost spat his drink out, followed by a barrage of questions.

"You're quitting?"

Wolfgang spoke up above them, but Cloud couldn't grasp their sudden concern for him. He'd preferred it when they were clearly uninterested in his life or success. 

"I might."

He conceded.

"You broke up with him?"

Colton asked urgently and he realized that their interest wasn't in him at all, it was all just about Zack.

"You're gonna get demoted. Or worse, fired."

He warned, but Cloud only shrugged.

"I know."

He took another drink, hoping that would be the end of the conversation, but Wolfgang stared at his arm for longer than necessary.

"What's that?"

"Nothing."

Cloud answered after downing the last of his drink. Lowering his arm anxiously, pretending he hadn't noticed him notice.

"Who gave you that?"

When Wolfgang questioned again, others peered down at him to figure out what. Cloud sighed sharply, moving to get up instead.

"No one."

With that he turned to leave the table and was relieved no one tried to stop him. Colton leaned over the table to get a better look, but he'd already walked to his bunk.

"Did he do that?"

Wolfgang pressed and Cloud stared back at the table. He was having deja vu of all the times he'd been asked the same questions, but the others took his silence as an admission.

"Shit! Is that why you fucking dumped him? Christ, Cloud."

Colton jumped right in and Cloud ignored them, unlocking his storage and dumping his phone and items in to it instead. 

"What did he do?"

Wolfgang asked again and he was unerved by the fact they hadn't moved on to other things by now. He didn't care if they kept drinking he just wanted to sleep.

"Cloud?"

Another called when he still didn't respond and he hesitated to lay down. What else could he do but ignore them at this point. He dumped his boots off and noticed for the first time that night how much his feet hurt.

"That shit's not right."

Colton complained bitterly, getting up and making his way towards him.

"It wasn't him."

Cloud finally spoke up, turning to face his squadmate who appeared not to be able to drop it. He hated having to defend someone they apparently knew nothing about in the first place. 

"Then who?"

Colton snapped back immediately. The atmosphere had changed entirely and he felt worse by the second, wishing he'd covered it up like he'd meant to.

"It doesn't matter."

Cloud tried, too tired to argue. He couldn't let them think he'd hurt him, but he didn't have the patience for this.

"What? Really, man?"

Colton only stopped advancing when he'd reached the bunks, leaning against the frame drunkenly.

"You know you can tell us, right?"

Cloud felt it had been sincere, but he didn't see what difference it would make.

"Of course it matters. We'll pay him back for you."

Someone shouted.

"You're just protecting him aren't you?"

Wolfgang accused but Colton looked back at him and they exchanged confusing gestures while the others just kept asking more questions.

"I'm not."

He hated how pitiful his voice sounded defending him now.

"He is."

Wolfgang accused him of lying again and he wanted nothing but to fight him, but he was right. Cloud sat down on his bunk. He couldn't be bothered with continuing this. 

"My boyfriend can take care of him, he isn't afraid of some freshass 1st."

Another offered but Cloud only ignored them.

"What did he do?"

Colton asked, sitting on the bunk opposit his. The question hung between them while he struggled to convince himself his anger was misplaced.

"Nothing."

He finally answered, but the rest of his unit looking on with so much confusion, concern, and hostility had him about to loose his mind.

"Was it an accident?"

"What did he do to you?"

"Did you say no?"

He didn't want to keep arguing. They weren't listening to him. He'd only wished to be done with everything. He couldn't accept how things always got twisted around him.

"Shit. Cloud.."

Colton sounded like he'd guessed the worst of it.

"A guy like that isn't worth it." 

Someone else called from the table.

"I'll teach you how to get over him."

Colton offered next, getting ahold of himself.

"Over him?"

Cloud stared back, too tired to figure out how they'd gotten to this.

"Yeah. You were right to dump him. But now you just gotta forget him."

Colton stood back up to make his point.

"How?"

Cloud asked, looking on to the others who were all nodding along for a reason he hadn't grasped yet.

"Don't give in. Ask yourself if he loves you. If the answer is no, then you need new rules."

"One, don't pick up the phone."

"You know he's only calling cause he's drunk and alone."

"Two, don't let him in." 

"You'll have to kick him out again."

"Three, don't be his friend." 

"You know you gonna wake up in his bed in the morning."

"And if you're under him, you ain't getting over him."

"You've got new rules. Count em."

"Three?

"Got it?"

"Yeah."

"You're getting over him."

Cloud had no idea what he'd just witnessed. 

"Just remember the rules."

"Practice makes perfect."

"And if all that doesn't work. Just call us, and we'll take care of him for you."

"yeeeeeahh we will asjhaskhaksgsjkaghsa"

Someone shouted and laughed drunkenly but Colton snapped back at them, getting up to rejoin the other men.

"Hey! Some respect, Paul!"

Cloud finally laid down, closing his eyes eagerly in momentary relief while he tried to process whatever that excessively animated speech had just been. 

They simply went on to talk about someone who supposedly kept failing said moving on challenge.

He thought their rules were exagerated. He doubted they were possible for him. Even if they never spoke again, he'd still consider Zack a friend.

Knowing he'd have no say wether or not Zack decided to drop by again, he could only hope that he'd take his request for space seriously. 

Which left only the first rule. He could only pray his phone wouldn't ring anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> any and all comments welcome!  
> thanks for reading


	26. Useless anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just more bad vibes  
> \+ I can't write OCs so enjoy the random sense8 characters

The morning alarm went off, propelling him from his incessant nightmare. This time Genesis had been there, impaling Zack's foot to the gas pedal so that they couldn't stop.

All he remembered was his screaming even before they crashed. Sephiroth's silhouette laid motionless across the hood despite their inevitable demise while Genesis stepped over him in the back seat.

"Do you wish for the power of eternity?"

He asked with urgency, eyes fixed on his, leaving him nowhere to go. The next thing he knew the alarm was blaring, except that he could still feel the glass from the windshied shattering over them upon impact. 

He sat up and held his head to feel that it hadn't really happened. He was so sick of the dream. Sick of waking up feeling numb from pain and unhinged from adrenaline. Unwilling to get up, but even less willing to speak to any of his squad-mates after all their free advice last night. 

He got up and changed quickly. He had his boots on by the time any of the other men noticed him.

"Where are you going?"

Wolfgang called.

"We're giving training a pass too until Greene gets back."

Colton encouraged after noticing him as well.

"Okay."

Cloud answered, but he'd already gotten his things out of storage and was leaving anyways.

"Aw c'mon. Stay. We're going for brunch later."

The persistent man complained and sat up, but everyone else seemed interested in sleeping in. He on the other hand, was not interested in brunch. 

He walked straight towards the door. He could practically feel what Colton would say next. He braced himself not to stop no matter what only to come face to face with a SOLDIER and Cissnei entering their quarters instead.

"You."

Cissnei accused immediately, freezing in her tracks as soon as she'd stepped inside.

"Where were you going without the rest of your unit? Finally deserting?"

She accused, staring him down, but he didn't know what to say. He didn't know why she was here. 

"He's not a deserter."

Wolfgang called in his defense while he finished getting dressed and moved in to formation besides Cloud.

"You're all late on protocol, Unit 44. This is unacceptable. Especially from you, Bogdanow."

Cissnei stated coldly, staring Wolfgang down with the same contempt she had for him. 

"I see that you are all painfully under-performing in the absence of Captain Greene."

She rolled her eyes at the men still scrambling to get dressed while the rest lined up as fast as they could.

"After several complaints, Shinra had no choice but to ask me to intervene. My name is Cissnei of the Turks, and Todd here is to remind you all that you aren't a part of SOLDIER. You're just useful to SOLDIER. I don't have much time to get you sorry lot back up to speed. I have another SOLDIER candidate I need to secure, so stop wasting my precious time and get moving!"

Cloud grabbed his helmet and held back a sigh before following them out. He was so angry at her he wished he didn't know what anger felt like anymore. It's all he knew he could feel for so long and he was sick of wanting to hurt people.

He tried to read her expression, but all he could see was condescension. She only droned on about how she was an expert candidate profiler and how she'd never pick any of them for SOLDIER while they made their way to the training facilities.

"Fuck SOLDIER."

Wolfgang was quick to interrupt.

"What?"

Cissnei stopped and looked back at the man who'd derailed her train of thought.

"I said, fuck SOLDIER. I'm not here to be one of them."

Wolfgang spoke up again. There was no question that he meant it, but the calm in his tone unnerved him.

"Watch your mouth. You wouldn't be here if you weren't fucking the goddamned Vice President."

Cissnei yelled back, evidently unnerved as well.

"I thought you meant I wouldn't be here if I wasn't also fucking Will Gorski, 2nd class SOLDIER."

Cissnei didn't know what to say and Wolfgang only pressed.

"I'm here to work. Same as anyone else. Which is exactly what we were all doing before this unit was even thought up. So who do you think you are showing up out of nowhere and bossing us around, suit?"

"You-"

Cissnei started but hesitated with great discomfort until Todd intervened.

"We don't have all morning!"

The man shouted and Cissnei steadied herself. She turned back to lead on, cussing under her breath.

"Shut up and hurry up, slackers!"

Todd shouted again and they followed. Cloud wanted to thank Wolfgang for speaking up but the smile he gave him told him he already knew.

"You guys are a mess."

The SOLDIER complained when they'd all lined up again in the training facilities, clearly noticing that most of them were hungover. 

The training would have been worse if the others had been able to keep up pace. Thankfully for once he wasn't the worst one. It was painful nonetheless, but at least they all failed to impress together.

The SOLDIER seemed to be having a grand time debasing them and pushing them to their limits. Two of the men had already passed out and by then Cissnei simply left.

"This isn't worth my time!"

Her words were bitter, but when the ordeal was over he was just confused. He had expected worse. He was always singled out during these crackdowns but nothing happened this time. 

He felt like he'd been imagining things suddenly, as if what he thought was normal was actually just paranoia. He showered quickly and went to change but hadn't realized he'd sat in front of his storage unit for so long.

"Hey, Cloud."

He flinched before looking back.

"Hey. You alright?"

Wolfgang asked, walking up to him after showering.

"Yeah."

Cloud answered, not bothering to look back at him again. The man was consistently adverse to towels and it made him uncomfortable.

"You know anything about that surprise training?"

Wolfgang asked, staring down the back of his head, but Cloud just shrugged before answering.

"No."

He got dressed and Wolfgang did the same. He was relieved he didn't press him for more information. Even so, before leaving he felt the need to warn him.

"Stay away from the Turks."

Wolfgang nodded and he left. He had to get back to his work while there was still time. Not his job, but to his digging. He had to find something big enough that would bring the company down.

Cloud headed up the emergency staircase, uncertain of what to do with himself once he'd find whatever it was he was looking for.

He was convinced he should have developed a plan by now. Someway to disrupt their operations, or at least resolve to leave on his own, but he couldn’t come to terms with either.

Flight after flight he tried to think, but every thought he tried to focus on soon became muddled with fear and uncertainty.

He was so exhausted he'd almost missed the floor. Once he got to his work department, 3 hours ahead of his shift, he didn't think anyone would notice, except he forgot one detail.

Beautiful flowers were staring him in the face when he got to his desk. Anxiously he pretended not to notice them and unlocked his desk to take his computer and files out.

"Are those yours?"

Someone asked, obviously about the flowers.

"No."

He answered, hesitating to leave once he'd gotten his things.

"Who are they for?"

Another asked.

"I don't know."

Cloud denied, but judging by the look on their faces, must have come off unconvincing, so he made up a plain excuse as he picked up the glass stuffed with the bouquet.

“There’s no note. It must be a mistake.”

He was about to take them away from sight when his boss suddenly stepped out of his office.

"Strife. My office, now!"

Cloud set them back down and complied immediately. He could only assume orders had come down from above, but was soon skeptical when he man started shouting about the flowers.

"Why are those on your desk?"

His tone was heavy with stress.

"I don't-"

Cloud started but was quickly cut off.

"Don't lie to me!" 

He practically jumped when his boss slammed his hand down on the desk separating them suddenly. Hesitating to respond, he glanced back over his shoulder and saw everyone was watching through the glass walls of the small office.

"I'll get rid of them."

Cloud offered finally, hating how dejected his tone was.

"That's not what I asked."

The older man snapped back, leaning over his desk as he continued to yell.

"You know personal effects aren't allowed on your desks! Why are you willingly disrupting my department?"

When Cloud didn't answer he raised his tone again.

"I'll ask one last time."

Cloud wanted to walk out. He was sick of fighting over every little thing, even though he continued to stand stiffly listening.

"Why are those here?"

His boss insisted

"They're just flowers."

Cloud attempted bitterly but was met with more anger.

"Just flowers!?"

The man fumed.

"I forgot them."

Cloud attempted again with no success.

"I knew you were full of shit! I already know why they're here. I wanted you to come clean but you can't even do that."

The man looked disgusted as he continued yelling. By now Cloud wondered how soundproof the man thought his glass office was, because he'd heard him chewing out other employees before and it wasn't.

"I'll have you know I already requested to fire you and was denied. No surprise why after watching the security files."

His boss rounded his desk, if only to shout at him closer.

"Connections don't mean shit down here, but a 1st? Really?! Do you know what kind of shit that brings with it? Well not in my department."

The man moved closer again and watched as Cloud only averted his gaze.

"Don't you realize how unproductive everyone who's even seen the flowers will be? You have no fucking idea do you? If you even think about opening your stupid mouth to any of them."

Cloud's heart raced while the man kept yelling. He wanted nothing but to hit him. Except he knew he couldn't and all the adrenaline mixing with his anxiety wasn't helping.

"Of course you have no idea. God damn sheltered faggot. I saw who it was on the tapes. Stomping out chatter is costly. I can't handle your shit and meet deadlines!"

The man continued shouting in his face.

"A fucking 1st! Really? You? Why are they all gay? What the fuck is wrong with SOLDIER?"

Cloud didn't see any value in defending himself at this point. He wished he'd of just fired him by now. He wanted to walk away but he worried he'd lose control if he tried restraining him.

"Didn't you even read the fucking handbook?"

His boss scrutinized on. He had not, and when no answer came his boss erupted again.

"You fucking ignorant prick. Just because they're covering for you doesn't mean you don't deserve to be put in your place!"

He was so close now he was forced to step back. He realized this was why he hated being close to anyone. From all the men who'd tried to make it clear that they knew better than him. The urge to throw him over his own desk was becoming unbearable.

"Like I said. I'd fire you just for being so stupid, but guess what princess? All I could do was suspend you. I hate this fucking company. They'll have to accept transfer papers eventually and then you'll be someone else's problem. Now get out of my sight you fucking shitpacker."

Cloud steadied his breathing to contain his anger. All he could do was walk out without a word. He glanced at the others, frozen at their desks, staring at him as he made his way back to his. 

He left the department keycard on his desk, took the laptop in one hand, then the flowers from the glass with the other and left immediately.

He didn't want to hear what any of them had to say. All he could feel was the water trailing down the stems and over his hand, dripping to the ground as he walked away.

He hated walking away even though there was nothing he could do. It wasn't like hitting anyone had ever solved anything either, but god did it feel good. He went down several floors to one of his storage units and sat down in front of it. 

It wasn't until he'd gotten there that he felt the tears in his eyes. He didn't know why he was so shaken. His boss had been high-strung since the first day and he couldn't care less about the job or what he'd said. 

He was already in enough debt to the company, what was a little more? It didn't really matter. He cried until he could feel his face again. 

Staring down at the flowers he had no idea what to think anymore. If he didn't remember anything then why bring him something like this? The petals were so delicate and he had no idea what to do with the bouquet

He opened the storage unit and stared at his supplies for a long time trying to figure out how to keep them safe. Finally opting for making space at the back and taping them upside down to let them dry out. He'd seen it before and he thought it was the least he could do.

He wanted desperately to talk to Zack again, but he couldn't bring himself to think of what to say. Besides, he'd break that rule if he called him. He laughed at the advice he'd been given, but he knew he was just scared to make things worse.

He couldn't help but worry about the others again. His heart started racing every time he thought of Zack with someone else. It didn’t matter how minor the interaction. It made him feel crazy for not questioning thinking about anyone that way himself.

If Zack liked him too, then why did it matter? Why couldn’t he stand the thought of him touching anyone else? He worried he was only using it as some sort of an excuse to be angry. 

He felt like all he did was cause conflict. Did it even matter if he loved more than one person? All he felt was guilt when he realized he still didn’t believe Zack really loved him in the first place. 

It had all felt so rushed, so circumstantial. Yet he couldn’t believe he had actually wanted Zack to forget about him and move on when it had hurt him so much to be erased the first time.

His vision blurred and he was alarmed for an instant before wiping the stray tears from his eyes. He felt so messed up, but he couldn't worry only about Zack anymore. He needed to do more. 

He felt so stupid for panicking. He didn’t want to die, but he had no idea what Shinra would do next and he’d forgotten until then how much pleasure they’d taken in executing deserters.

He needed to do something soon or just get out once and for all. He wanted desperately to run away, anywhere where he wouldn’t feel like every decision he made was wrong.

He'd stared at the flowers, deliberating until someone else came in to the storage area. He stood up and concluded that it was useless to keep thinking about Zack until he figured out what to do next. 

He stuffed the computer in an equipment bag to avoid questions, locked the storage unit, and left. He was so anxious he felt like he was losing his grip again. 

He couldn't decide where to go, so he went to eat instead. Except, once that was done he still didn't have a direction. He took the stairs up to give himself time to think again.

It wasn't that he enjoyed the exercise. He even hated it, especially after being yelled at all morning, but it was still the only way he could think clearly about what was at stake.


End file.
